November 13, 2009

Dear Friends,

            As the holiday season is getting closer I am finding myself completely overwhelmed with gratitude for the great things that God has done in my life during this past year, it has not been without hardships but the goodness is God is so much bigger than those temporary things.  I don’t have a steady job but, I am thankful because I am busier than I’ve ever been because of His timing in my life!  I don’t have health insurance but, I am thankful for generous friends and an eye specialist who discounts her prices by 50% for me because of His favor on my life!  My mom and younger brothers are not yet following the Lord but, I am thankful for each day He gives them new life and a new opportunity to trust Him because of His love for them! I’d love to hear about some of the ways you and your families have seen His goodness this year!

            One of the biggest things I’m thankful for right now is that I have officially become a missionary!  I will be leaving in May for Phnom Penh, Cambodia!  The first month of my time there will be spent leading a team of high school seniors on their first overseas trip.  Then I will spend 6 months to a year in Cambodia after they leave.  I will be working alongside an organization called the Hard Places Community who has been in Cambodia for almost a year now.  I will be working with women and children who are involved in the human trafficking crisis there as well as helping to lead summer interns and begin  new ministry to boys who live and work on the city streets.

            I NEED your prayers so desperately!  Please pray for wisdom as I lead and train this team even now.  Pray that I am able to make as smooth a transition as possible from Kansas City to Phnom Penh!  Please pray for financial provision for myself and the team.

            I have decided to use International Outreach Ministries, inc. (I.O.M.) as my financial organization.  They will receive any financial gifts that people make (and provide tax-deductible receipts) and they will put those funds into my account on a monthly basis.  As many of you are aware, having stable income is a gift and blessing from the Lord and I’ve been given an estimated monthly living expense to make things simple as I ask for support.

            If you are able to give financially you may want to consider helping out with one of the following options:

·       10 people who can give $50/month

·       20 people who can give $35/month

·       30 people who can give $20/month

·       Of course, one time gifts are also greatly appreciated!!

Every little bit is helpful.  If you are only able to give $5.00 on a monthly basis right now that is such a gift to me and I will be so encouraged by your willingness, please don’t feel like you have to give big in order to give!  If you would like to help out with any of these needs please follow the enclosed instructions. 

            I’m so grateful for all of your continued prayers, support and encouragement!  This has been an amazing journey with the Lord thus far and I’m confident that He’s only just begun! Please let me know how you are doing and how I can pray for you!

Lots of Love & Happy Holidays!

September 22, 2009

Dear Friends,

As I write this letter I am sitting in the church office, a place where I have found myself spending lots of time these days.  It is a cool 63 degrees outside making me long for northeastern autumn!  As the season changes outside I am sure that many of you are also going through transitional phases as well.  Some are getting back into the routine of schoolwork while some of you are sending children back to school (or, even bigger, to school for the first time!).  Still others are starting new jobs, welcoming new additions to the family or becoming acquainted with new living environments. And, a few are probably enjoying the blessing of stability as you continue on the path that is familiar!  I'd love to know where this season finds you!

I am writing to tell you about some new things concerning my future.

Many of you knew about my plan to go to Swaziland and I'm so grateful for all of your encouragement as I moved forward with that!  However, the Lord has closed that door and opened a new one.....

This coming May I will be leading a team of high school seniors to Cambodia to work with 2 of my friends who live there and are missionaries from our church.  The teens will stay in the country for one month.  We will be working with children and women who are victims of the human trafficking crisis in Cambodia.

At the end of the month the teens will go home and I will stay as a missionary with a group called the Hard Places Community.

I value your prayers more than you could ever know!  Please join me in prayer for wisdom as I lead this team and courage as I step out into what His plan is for me.  Pray for me as I begin to settle into the reality of moving to Cambodia in a few months! Please pray for His provision of all financial need as well. 

Thank you all so much for your support, encouragement and prayers throughout this journey! Please feel free to ask any questions or pass along anything He may tell you as you pray. I'd love to hear from you!

Lots of love,

Yvonne

Orphan2apostle@gmail.com

www.orphan2apostle.blogspot.com

One Step at a Time

The view on the way up the mountain

My journey with the Lord is one filled with what educators call "teachable moments". These are moments when the environment is just right for a truth to be imparted to a student so that it makes complete sense for the student. These are different than any other times of teaching because they have the uniqueness of being absolutely relevant in the moment that they are taught. For example, I can teach the truth that when you mix red and blue they will make purple and that is truth. But, it happens as a "teachable moment" when a student is using paint and happens to mix red and blue and it turns into purple, then I can come alongside and say something like, "Wow, did you see what just happened? You mixed red and blue and they made purple!". This will stick with that person because of the self discovery of that truth.

So, this is how I learn best and Jesus knows that about me so He often teaches me this way, by letting me experience things for myself as He comes alongside to make sure I am getting the truth.

This past May I had the opportunity to hike up a mountain for the first time ever (maybe the last time!).

Before we began hiking we were instructed to pick up a rock to carry with us to the top. The rock was to represent something that we wanted to let go of in our lives. My rock, which happened to fit perfectly into the palm of my hand as if it had always belonged there, symbolized fear. As we began hiking I thought it meant fear of saying things that God was telling me to say....as we hiked I quickly realized that, although that was a fear of mine, it was not what God had intended for this journey.

The higher we climbed, the more narrow the path, the more shifty the ground became....the more aware I became that God was asking me to surrender fear about my own physical safety. Would I trust Him with the life He'd given me? Would I trust that He was going to get me safely to the top of that mountain?For those who have done lots of hiking this may seem like no big deal.

For me however....

It was the first time I'd ever hiked up a mountain....

I was with a group of people that I was just getting to know....

I had to constantly be holding onto someone because of my visual impairment....

I had to trust that the person guiding me was going to be able to help me anticipate what was coming next....

I had only met the person guiding me 3 days earlier!!....

I could not see the top and had no concept of how much farther we had to go before we got to our destination....

For over 2 hours I was in a situation where I felt physically unsafe and had a very limited sense of control (on occasion I'd yell, "STOP!! I can't do it!" then I'd look behind me and realize how far we'd come and after some convincing keep going. That was all I could control, the pace we went at.). And all I could do was go one step at a time and trust my guide.

I made it to the top of the mountain, safely, without falling even once. And, I even made it back down (a whole other adventure!!).

God took care of me.

He knew the plan He had for me for that day. He provided the people He knew would be right for the job (because, well, if I had MY way I would've chosen different people...and really would've missed out on what HE had for me...), He came alongside me and pointed out the truth of how He protects, how He guides, how He can see the top and knows exactly how He's going to get me there.

Three months later, here I am....staring at a trail that He has chosen for me. I can't see ten feet in front of me, let alone where it ends up. And, I trust Him. I trust His means of guiding me. I will choose to wait for Him to move and will only go where He goes. Not because I'm afraid of falling plummeting to destruction....because I know that He can see where He's taking me and where He wants to go is truly where I want to be.

Children Learn What They Live

I am re-reading this book called Too Small To Ignore written by Wes Stafford who is currently the president of Compassion International. The book tells his story of growing up in a small village in West Africa with his missionary parents. He writes about the differences between his own simple, modest yet so enjoyable childhood experience and the fast paced, technology filled childhood experiences of many of today's children in the Western world.

In his book he includes this poem which I have heard many times before, not for a while though.  As I read it my heart grew hopeful, excited and filled with a sense of urgency to ensure that children are being taught the good things of this life. They truly are our future and it is the responsibility of this generation to help the next learn to dream, hope, care, respect, value each other....

I think that one of the reasons I am quite passionate about this right now is that very recently I was reminded of just how harsh life can become for children who do not learn the good things and live in the bad.

During the past 4 weeks I have had the opportunity to compare and contrast the differences in the lives of 7 young men who are between the ages of 15-18.

I watched 5 of them choose to make choices to better their lives and the lives of those around them. These young men have been taught tolerance, praise and acceptance (to name a few) and it is evident in the way they live out their lives. They chose over and over again to; let go of harmful habits, surrender ideas and ways of living that are based on lies, repent and ask forgiveness from God and others and, ultimately, they chose to give their lives wholeheartedly to Jesus, seeking His guidance, His affirmation, His plan for their lives day by day.

I also watched as the lives of 2 others have only continued to spiral in an out of control downward pattern. These young men have not been taught the good things in life. They have been taught criticism, shame and hostility. As a result, they live lives of violence and hatred. They believe every lie the enemy has ever thrown their way. They are hopeless. They seek the wisdom of money and they find safety and affirmation in gangs and guns. I believe that it could've been different for them if they had been taught the good things as children.
I also believe that this is not the end, they can learn new things. it won't be as easy as it would've been when they were 5, but it can be done. It will take great strength and courage and that is exactly what I pray for them.

So, that's what's on my heart right now....

"If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live."
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

A Tale of Two Cities (Written Nov. 19, 2007)

I ask that if you are going to read this post that you would also please read the one preceeding it, "Love in Ukraine" because I would hate for anyone to have only half of the full picture of how these children have entered my heart and it will never be the same again.

During the months of June 2006 and June 2007 I lived in orphanages in Ukraine. This had been something I had dreamed about diong for five years before it finally happened. The first year was the most wonderful experience of my life. Jesus revealed Himself to me in so many ways through Misha, Tonya, Dima, Bogdon....

Deep, everlasting heart connections were made during that first trip. At any time I can close my eyes and see so vividly the faces of those young lives that have ultimately changed my own life. I can hear their laughter, feel their arms squeeze me in hugs and see the earnest desire for the truth in their eyes as they asked questions about Jesus. I will never forget their stories even though they are not written down on paper because they are etched in my heart...they mingle with my own story...

Throughout the month my teamates and I were privelliged to watch the seeds of life, joy, redemption...be planted in the hearts of 120 precious lives. I saw that Bogdon has hope for life as he drew pictures of houses surrounded by blue skies, picket fences and great big trees. Olieg has hope for redemption because the transforming power of the word of God in Ps. 27:10 took root in his heart. Misha was able to experience a few moments of pure childlikeness as we sat together for over an hour and I simply held him. The Lord showed Dima that even though he has been rejected many times during his ten years of life, that is not the end because He is loved so much by a God who sends people from his own country and far away to receive him simply because of who he is....I could write like this for days about those kids in an orphanage in Berdychiv...

I went to an orphanage in Neeperderzhinschk (I'd almost guarantee that's not how it's spelled and don't even ask about pronunciation!) this past June. I began the process of this trip knowing that there was a possibility that I would not return to the orphanage in Berdychiv...and I thought I was okay with that. I thought that I understood what that would mean for me, for my heart. I thought that I could build up enough excitement about being able to go again, excitement about being able to bring the love of Jesus to more orphans, I thought that I could use the excitement to drown out the pain of finding out that I would not be seeing those same kids again. It didn't work.

The kids I encountered this past June were very different kids. Their lives were very different. In some ways I would even venture to believe that their lives were more difficult. My kids from 2006 were completely abandoned. My kids this year...they went home for weekend visits, relatives would show up when they felt like and then come drop the kids back off when they felt like it...nothing was stable, nothing was secure ...their lives were chaotic. On day one they wanted to know how much money I had been paid to come spend time with them, they wanted to know when we were leaving and as the days went on many of them became increasingly aggressive as I ran out of tangible things to give them.

That month I saw small glimpses of the Lord, enough to give me the hope I needed to be able to pray. One of the older boys chose to stay at the orphanage instead of go home for his weekend visits because he wanted to be around us as much as possible. One day my little Vova would threaten to use sticks and rocks to hurt my friend Amanda and I and the next he sat on a tree stump and colored with me for 30 minutes. During our birthday party I watched Roma come back inside to sit alone in a corner and look at each of the gifts he had been given with astonishment in his eyes.

I held out hope during that entire month that maybe, just maybe, we could take a trip across the county of Ukraine (the size of Texas) and I could see my kids from last year...That didn't happen. And now, here I am, nearly six months later, still so vividly seeing the faces of my 2006 kids and struggling to remember the names of my 2007 kids.....

Berdychiv was wonderful. I was changed. I will never be the same. Neeperderzhinschk was rough. I was changed. I will never be the same.

Jesus, please teach me to love as You do. Teach me to love even when I am hurt. Teach me to love even when my love is not reciprocated. Teach me to love even when I don't feel like it, when I don't want to. Most of all, please teach me to love simply because I am loved by You.

Love in Ukraine (Written May 29, 2007)

Next Monday, at 7:30am I will get on a plane and travel for 21 hours until I reach Kiev, Ukraine. I will then travel by bus to an orphanage where I will spend a month living with orphans, showing them the love of Christ Who lives in me. I did this last June as well. Here are some of the ways my teamate Amanda Kane and I were able to see love during that month....this is why I'm going back...

Love was hand games until your hands turned red.
Love was holding those red hands.
Love was playing with a little girl's hair, and letting her play with mine.
Love was bedtime prayers, and mornings full of "rise-and-shine" singing.
Love was running laps while holding a little boy's hand.
Love was picking up that little guy when he fell and giving him a band-aid.
Love was helping kids with morning chores of gardening, shoveling rocks, white-washing, and wallpapering.
Love was filling our pockets with sunflower seeds that the kids would not let us refuse.
Love was learning "kavitochka" (flower), and "ya tibia lublu" (I love you).
Love was hugs so tight we thought our lungs might pop.
Love was receiving a gift of wild strawberries strung on a long wheat blade.
Love was letting a child feed you a sweet red cherry.
Love was wiping tears away from chubby cheeks.
Love was finding a smile that tried to remain hidden.
Love was skipping and jumping rope.
Love was drinking thick sour milk and eating stale wafer cookies at snacktime.
Love was rolling up pant-legs to wade through massive puddles after the rain.
Love was swimming in the "river" that turned out to be a mucky pond.
Love was repainting the play ground, and letting the girls clean the paint from our skin with paint thinner.
Love was holding a little one and playing peek-a-boo.
Love was lying on a blanket under a shade tree with the girls while the boys learned "Americansi Futbol."
Love was kisses on the cheek and kisses on the nose.
Love was sitting on a bench with an 8-year old boy who was showing off his reading skills while I didn’t understand a word of it.
Love was letting them use my shampoo to make more bubbles when we ran out.
Love was a little girl standing in a hug for over an hour while everyone around us played.
Love was finding Ps. 27:10 in a Russian Bible and watching a little boy's face light up........

FUN!! (Written May 14, 2007)

I have had a few conversations over the past two weeks about fun. I am one of those people who does not aspire for life to be full of monotony. I enjoy spontaneity and adventure! I teach one and two year olds and while the job certainly has its setbacks (I readily admit that!) it is at the same time one of the greatest jobs for me. I get to go to work and once there, PLAY! Where else can I go and be able to finger paint, play ring-around-the-rosie, shout with my outdoor voice, color with sidewalk chalk and blow bubbles...all in one day?? These kids are so good at just being kids and I know that I need to learn from them.

There are varying definitions of the word fun. I have spent time with people doing something and one of us will walk away saying, "that was fun" while the other is thinking, "fun? yeah, I guess you could call it that." For example, I really like word games-scrabble, boggle, apples to apples-but, my best friend absolutely hates them, one of us has fun, the other doesn't :-)

I have been so very grateful at realizing that I have some of the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. Just when I think I'm about to completely lose my mind due to all the seriousness that is happening in my life Jesus provides opportunities for simple fun.

Last week, a friend and I went to a diner at 11:30pm just because we wanted to spend time together and I think that was one of the best plates of cheese fries I've shared with someone in a long time!

Another friend and I went to a coffee shop a while ago and played a game of scrabble-she won, I wasn't much competition!

I went to see a movie with some friends two weeks ago and after realizing how horrible the movie was we went and had amazing frozen custard to make up for it, because we were determined to have fun!

Last week a friend and I went tree climbing and in the process tore holes in our pockets and got our feet insanely dirty (so dirty that we washed them off in the park bathroom sink)...that was so much fun!

Sunday night I found myself in a friend's backyard having conversations about adventure that stirred up all kinds of dreams within my heart....especially dreams of traveling, traveling to Guatemala, California, Nepal, Columbia....it was a heck of a lot of fun to be amongst friends and dream :-)


On Monday at work, I found myself leaping like a frog and then slithering like a snake under tables!

Tonight some friends wanted to have fun so we went to watch the sunset and ended up rolling down grassy hills and attempting to make blades of grass whistle...lots of laughs :-)

Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:3, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven." If we are to have childlike faith it might help if we take time to see the world as children do...full of FUN!

Praise You in This Storm (Written Feb. 10, 2007)

The song, "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns is the perfect song to describe where I am at right now with life. The lyrics seem to speak so perfectly of where I am. You might want to listen to it, may help this blog make sense.

I've done a lot of praying during the past nine years that I have known Jesus. Probably not as much recently as I could be, but I have done a lot of praying is the point. One of the biggest issues that has been at the top of the list since the beginning of my relationship with Jesus has been my family. As a new Christian I would pray with such faith. I can remember prayer times on the wooden floor in that small church sandwiched between the government housing projects and a gas station, when I would be on my face, tears and snot running all over the place as my church family and I would plea, completely brokenhearted before the Lord for the salvation of my mom and two younger brothers. Here I am today, "I've said amen again just to find, it's still raining". My family has not changed for the good in nine years.

Here's what confuses me, I know that God is alive and active. I cannot deny that because while the lives of my mom and brothers have only gone downhill mine has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Jesus has truly given me more than I could ask or imagine in my own personal life. But what about the ones I love the most, does He really love them more than I do? That's what I've been told anyway. Well, I can't find Him there, but "as the thunder rolls, I can barely hear Him whisper 'I am with you'"

So, I find myself saying "I will praise You in this storm. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm".

I've also done lots of crying lately. One night as I was crying I was reminded of an experience during my junior year at Nyack. I was on a mission trip training retreat and the Lord was asking me to trust Him with my family. As I cried, so ashamed that I didin't trust Him, so hurt for my family, one of the professor's sons who was 12 at the time cupped his hands and caught my tears as he told me that was exactly what God does as well. In order for truths to stick in my mind I need tangibles to go along with them and the Lord knows that so this was a wonderful reminder for me that He does know what I go through, He sees the hurt and the brokeness. This just leaves me wondering, so....then what? He sees and knows and, yes, He loves me through it all.........but...then what? I am longing to see Jesus be ACTIVE in my family.  I am longing to see them choose Him for their lives!

I know that if everyting in my family were to change for the good that would certainly not mean that I would never experience pain again. But, I really do believe that my heart could find some stillness, some calm and I'd like that.

So, here I am, right in the middle of one of the most intense storms of my life, confused, scared, hurt...but, I know He's HERE and although I hate to admit it because I want Him to do both- be the Sovereign God He is and just fix it already, in my timing (kind of like I'm one of the Jews who never expected Jesus to come as a baby and so they wouldn't accept it, yeah that's me), just knowing that He's HERE in the storm with me does give me some comfort.

Proverbs 13:12 (Written Jan. 9, 2007)

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." ~Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

I have certainly experienced life from both of these perspectives. This week in particular both have been very real in my heart. I have been walking out the realities of both.

About two weeks ago the man who had become my grandfather, by my own choosing (long story) when I was four died. Each day since then has brought with it new and fresh pain-pain that comes with loss (some might call this 'grief'), pain from realizing how different life will be for my family and I and pain that has been hidden in my heart for possibly years if I let myself really face my life. And that's just the beginning...

Last Sunday my Pastor challenged a group of us to look back on the past year of our lives and see the places where Jesus has shown Himself victorious. This is one of my favorite things to do because I KNOW that the Lord is so completely for me and more powerful than I can ever imagine. So, I've been blown away by His faithfulness to me last year. By far the biggest display of my hopes being fulfilled can be seen in my trip to Ukraine. The Lord proved that sometimes He chooses to use the most broken people in the most vulnerable circumstances as a means for Himself to be lifted up when He brought me to Boystown, Mexico to love people whose life situations were so similar to my own family that it literally broke my heart. He showed me that His timing is always perfect if I'll just be patient and wait when He waited until a week before I needed to know where I would live to let me in on His plans. And that's just the beginning....

God's word is true. It is true today. Currently my heart feels oh so sick even though I can see His hope, dreams and fulfillment for my life. This is new, I don't know how to let my heart be sick. I want to treat it like I would a cold-stuff it full of medicine that will hide the symptoms just enough for me to get through the day (saying what I think people want to hear, forcing myself to smile and laugh and pretending that life is just as it was before, ya know the equivalent of cough suppressants, pain relievers and throat soothers).

Jesus, please show Yourself stronger than my own rationalities, teach me how to face pain because I KNOW that on the other side there's joy-

"Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of joy."~Psalm 126:5.

Wrapping Presents (Written Dec. 15, 2006)

****Written December 19, 2017, 11 years later: Tonight, I was wrapping some gifts and had the very same experience of lots of laughter and shaking my head at the ridiculousness of the excess paper and gobs of tape used on each one.  I've learned that the joy in giving a gift outweighs any fear of what people might think about the outside package.  Thanks, Lord, for the constant joy I receive in giving! 

December 19, 2017

Tonight as I sat on my living room floor and began the task of wrapping a few Christmas presents I almost had to stop a few times because I was laughing so hard. This is a normal occurrence  in my life since my wonderful roommate has such a great sense of humor...but she wasn't even home!!

It was just me and Jesus. Let me tell you why wrapping presents is so much fun for me...

As a kid I was never taught the 'right' way to wrap presents. We rarely even had the 'right' material for wrapping presents. I loved to give gifts anyway and so I would go about wrapping them in any old way as long as the entire gift was covered so the recipient couldn't guess what was inside I was happy. I can remember lots of gifts being wrapped (are you ready?) with aluminum foil and masking tape! At least they were totally covered and nobody was gonna guess what was inside!

I was never self-conscious about my unique gift-wrapping skills. My mom has some great qualities and one was that she always encouraged me to do what makes me happy even if others didn't like it. Because I'm legally blind I've had to make lots of adaptations to the way things are done in life and as I grew up doing things just a bit differently than everyone else, she never pointed out those differences. So, she always enjoyed my uniquely wrapped presents :)

Now I'm 23 and it's almost Christmas. I began my gift wrapping tonight. My first task was a large, round pot-type thing and as I wrapped it I just burst out laughing, I do have actual Christmas wrapping paper this time, but alas my skills have not improved since I was 4. This gift is sitting on the floor with its gobs of tape and surely a massive amount of excess wrapping.

And, you know what? I'm still not self-conscious about it, I kind of enjoy the way I wrap presents, no other 'adult' wraps like I do (not on purpose anyway). I get lots of joy from the fact that, if you ask me, there is no such thing as the 'right' way to wrap a gift. I don't want to know how to 'fix' my gift wrapping technique either, I like it just the way it is and actually I pray that I don't ever become self conscious about it.

Thank You Lord for tonight, for good memories of when I was a little girl, for the joy of being able to see certain aspects of the world with the eyes of a child and for the wonderful people You've placed in my present life who will be blessed enough to experience the gobs of tape on their gifts this year :)

Travel Plans (Written Dec. 13, 2006)

I'm so glad to be able to tell you that since this was written, about two and a half years ago, I have chosen to accept Jesus' invitation to go on some of the more perilous looking journeys with Him. I've discovered that He really does join us on each journey He invites us to go on, never does He leave us there on our own. Sometimes, He is very quiet, only observing as we step out in trust that He is there and that He is watching over us. In those moments I've found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure He's still there and although I've been tempted to turn back the way I came, I've been able, through the strength I have from knowing He's with me, to continue moving forward.....and still, today, I choose to move forward.....

"Let your heart be filled with a deep conviction of what you lack, a desire for what God offers, and a willingness to sacrifice everything for it." ~Andrew Murray

"Why are you in Kansas City?" This is the question that has been playing in my mind over and over for the past week. It's odd because it's not an unanswered question. I know (almost for certain...) why I'm here. The answer I gave to the question is what has been pestering me.

During the past seven months or so the Lord has been presenting me with countless invitations to go on journeys with Him. He's really very good about asking and not just taking me along for the ride.

I have chosen to go on some of His excursions-the ones that boast pictures of peaceful, joyful and non-chaotic scenery. I have begun to travel to the place of freedom from the need to be superwoman for my family. I have cautiously stepped into the open fields (scary territory for a city girl!) of enjoying the life Jesus has so graciously blessed me with. I enjoy these journeys so much and am grateful for the chance to begin them!

There have been other invites though. I've been allowed to opt out of some of the more treterous looking trails Jesus chooses- the ones whose backdrops consist of cold, deep, dark caves and often torrential downpours. These walks will be filled with questions, frustrations and....(dare I even write it!) painful tears. These are the 'adventures' that will ultimately and eventually lead me to greater fullness of love, hope, joy....all the things I know I am lacking in because Jesus has very pointedly shown me (through Ukrainian children, through conversations I've had with friends about four letter words such as 'home', through Christmas trees, through....well the list goes on and on) that they were stolen from me at vital times during my life. I have a growing desire for the Lord to restore them as I know only He can.

Am I willing to sacrifice the pseudo-reality I've made for myself, the one that lets me believe that nothing about my past effects who I am today, the make-believe story I've written that states, "and the little girl forced herself to dissappear, never to be heard from again. The end."?

I don't know.........I really don't know if I'm ready to let go of those things yet. After all, surrender does mean not being able to do something on your own....kind of like a little girl (who was supposed to have dissappeared) asking for help....

But, "why am I in Kansas City?" To go on journeys with the Lord so He can fill me with lasting joy, hope, love...so that I can go and give, give, give to the orphans of this world without having to worry about coming up empty one day because I will have gone out into the fields and experienced the vastness of what He gives....and I will have gone into the caves and will KNOW the depth of all He gives.

Still, those caves and that rain....pretty scary....

4,320 (Written Nov. 11, 2006)

Four thousand three hundred twenty. That's how many hours are in six months. Time is a funny thing. For example, six months has the potential to seem like a very long time when we are anticipating something great like college graduation, the arrival of a loved one we haven't seen in a long time or the amount of time until we are given a promotion at a job. Six months can also seem like a very short time, especially when looking back on events.

Recently I have had some experiences that have made me realize the impact that four thousand three hundred twenty hours can have. Here are some of those thoughts:

A few weeks ago my grandfather was given six months to live. He is 78 years old and has been the only constant male adult in my life from the time I was 5. He called me two weeks ago asking me to come home as soon as I could because he doesn't think that he's going to be able to live out the four thousand three hundred twenty hours the doctor's have allotted him. In this case, six months seems to be very short.

My mom has been in rehab for the past eleven months. Six months ago she began taking courses to regain her Nurse's Assistant's liscence. She would graduate on November 15. Two days ago they told her that she could not complete the course and become certified because of her criminal record. My mom had her hopes of being able to re-enter society up one more time. To her, it seems like she just spent an eternity of wasted time. Six months.

Yesterday (11/9/06) marked four thousand three hundred twenty hours since my friend Jenn was taken to heaven where she is now mountain biking her heart out. You would think that within those long hours I would have had time to process her not being part of my world anymore, but I haven't. I still have her number in my phone and want to call her, she's still on my e-mail list and I still think about seeing her when I visit New York....and then I remember. Those six months have just seemed to fly by.

Six months ago I had no clue about lots of things in my life. I did not know if I would have enough money to go to Ukraine. I did not know where I would live once Transit was over. I did not know if I would have a job in New York or Kansas City. Six months ago from this very day I was on a Transit retreat trying to listen to the people who were my community during that season as they encouraged me by saying all that they had seen God do in and through me that year.

Six months. That's a lot of hours for Jesus do things in our lives. How was your life different six months ago? How will it be different six months from now? Have the past six months flown by or have they dragged or like mine, has there been a mixture of both? Be grateful for every hour you have. Treasure it. Make the most of it. And when you mess up on a few hours, look ahead to the next one. Yes, sometimes, like now, my life is overwhelming, with both pain and joy, that I can only sanely live one hour at a time.

Sunsets-Written Aug. 29, 2006

Sorry everyone, but with limited Internet access it is really hard to find time to post things (or to write new things!)

I had just moved in with my good friend Amanda and had also just begun my first week of teaching at a Christian preschool. Ukraine was still very fresh in my heart and mind. This was the beginning of my life as an official adult-the first year that my life was not dictated by a schedule of classes to attend and assignments to be completed. I made sure to find time to enjoy as many sunsets as possible that year!

"I am sitting at the computer right next to the amazing floor to ceiling window in Amanda's (err, our) apartment. It's 7:40pm and I am watching the most beautiful sunset I have seen in a while. Recently I have dragged a few of my good friends on what I've begun to call 'sunset chases' because nobody seems to know where to find a good view in Kansas City. In fact, a few weeks ago a friend and I were determined to watch an amazing summer sunset, we drove and drove...and drove only to come upon a small clearing that completely devestated me. I had just assumed that there would be a body of water to watch this sunset over but, now I live in the middle of the country and there are no such luxuries. Sunset chasing is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do, especially when it's followed by conversations that last into the night.
I love (yes, love) sunsets. Right now I am looking at the most beautiful hues of pink, purple, orange and red that I can imagine....until the next brilliant sunset that is! Tonight is exceptionally great because there are lots of clouds around to turn deep greyish-purple in the middle and be surrounded by edges of light orange. They are never the same, God always paints a brand new sunset every evening. Sunsets represent hope for me. I know, that is kind of a unique perspective (or, maybe it's not, maybe you think the same way). I really find joy in the feeling of a day completed, tasks accomplished or not accomplished. I find hope in knowing that tomorrow holds brand new opportunities. This day could have been completely wonderful or it could have been dreadfully horrible, but it's over leaving me time to either delight in the amazingness that occured or to let go of all that went wrong and hope in tomorrow. And, hey, there might not be a tomorrow and that's fine too because then there's eternity :)
While in Ukraine my favorite time of day at the orphanage was during sunset. Most of my team would be in the field playing volleyball or soccer and I would sit on the logs and watch the sun sink behind the trees. Everything felt so peaceful when that glow of evening was settled over the building and I knew that Jesus was with my kids as they prepared to go to sleep I was able to hope for my kids that tomorrow would be better, maybe that tomorrow would be one of the best days of their lives.......and now, as the sun has dissappeared, I know that they will be waking up soon and I hope that it will be better than yesterday..........
Above all, sunsets happen during the evening and I don't have to force myself out of bed at some God-forsaken hour to see them!!!!!

Sunset in Ukraine after rain

Sunset downtown Kansas City

Sunset from Amanda's back deck in midtown

Finding Solid Ground-Written Aug. 14, 2006

It always astounds me when I look back on my life and can see so clearly the wonderful ways that God has taken care of me....



"Anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys me is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse, because it is built on rock."~Jesus (Matt. 7:24-25 NLT)
I arrived back in Kansas City last Thursday night. When the plane had landed I sat there for about ten minutes before I got off just wondering to myself what in the world I had done. There I was, getting off a plane that had landed in the middle of the country. I had nowhere to call my own, nowhere to unpack my suitcases, lots of uncertainty about getting around on my own and a job that I feel as unprepared for as possible!
Sounds insane to say the least, doesn't it?
I know that I have been able to withstand the torrents and floodwaters in the past, but now I am faced with strong winds of a different kind. Instead of physical danger and lack of physical necessities I am confronted with the dangers of hiding and not being fully known. It would be very simple and comfortable for me to keep my heart guarded with my life as I'm so accustomed to doing.
Last night I was faced with the question, "What do you need from God and your group of friends here in Kansas City?". The thing that came to mind almost immediately (that's how I know it's God, He likes me to say the thimgs that come to mind quickly without rationalizing them away and I'm pretty sure I made Him happy last night) was, "I need something solid, I feel like everything around me is slippery and I need some solid ground".
Today Jesus reminded of His words in Matt. 7. I will find solid ground in my lfie more and more as I choose to follow Him, include Him in my life, seek His advice and answers and then truly listen for His voice and TRUST what He says!!! I desire that my life would be built on solid rock. There are so many choices I have to make each day....
~about work (will I trust that He knows what I'm capable of and hasn't set me up for failure?)
~about my friendships (will I choose to initiate with people? Will I choose not to live out of a double standard and actually let my friends care for and love me as I love and care for them?)
~about every other thing the enemy uses to make me doubt (will I ever have an apartment? Will my family ever recieve Him? Will the orphans I left in Ukraine ever be safe and fully loved here on earth?)
Lord, would You teach me to be wise? Please show me how to build my life on solid rock. Help me to hear Your voice and then to obey when You speak. I ask for the courage to act on what You say without any of my own rationalizations.

Summer in the City-Written Aug. 1, 2006

Since I knew that I was going to be living in Kansas City for a while I took a trip back to NYC to in a sense say goodbye to some friends, family members and my home church. Some of you may not know the details of my story but when i wrote this it was more of a journaling/processing experience for me. I then decided to publish it because even though some of the things may not be pretty or may even seem too crazy to fathom, God gains glory because of how He has transformed my life, even during the past 3 years.



"I have been in New York for almost two weeks now. I must admit that I had almost forgotten what the city can be like in July and August. Here are some of the things I've been reminded of since I've been here:
***NOTE-in no way is this a broad representation of all of New York City, what you are reading are only some very specific insights into the area that my friends and family occupy.

1.) On my first night at church I was blessed enough to be given an amount of money to add to the single-digit amount I had in my pocket when I arrived in NY. This blessing quickly became a lesson in how much I'd forgotten-that night the money was stolen as I slept. No worries, the Lord has continuously provided for my every need and I have quickly reacquainted myself with the habit of NEVER leaving money farther away than I can reach.
2.) I was reminded that the NYPD shift change takes place at 2:00 AM when at a friend's house about fifteen people (all engaged in illegal activity of one kind or another) came inside at 1:35 and went back out at 2:15. The reason? Simple, at 1:40 the police begin to rush to meet their quotas of ticketing and arrests and by 2:15 it's a new shift and they dont really have to worry for another seven hours or so!
3.) Dunkin' Donuts is open 24-hours a day, seven days a week allowing me to indulge in a hazelnut iced coffee for under $3.00 anytime I want!
4.) I have been continuously reminded of how much I love my church family. These people who are so dear to me range in age from 11 months to 89 years. Jesus has truly been preparing their hearts to release me as a young woman seeking to please the Lord with my life. There have been sweet times of prayer as they pray for me and I for them, hilarious times of fellowship as they tease about me becoming a Midwesterner (aint happenin!!!) and long reminiscent talks about the things the Lord has done in all of our lives.
5.) As I search for my mom I am hit with the reality of how difficult it is to really keep contacts on the streets when I have not been here for a year.
6.) MASS TRANSIT!!!! I have been enjoying the liberty of being able to get from the Bronx to Brooklyn in 35 minutes (for those of you who dont know, that's pretty far). Seriously, I can get anywhere I want to go, when I want to go there and feel completely comfortable and confident doing so. I am really going to miss that.

There are many other things I could put here, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for you since many of them have to do with the insanities and drama of the illegal realms of the city that my family is so good at being involved in), I am at the public library and only allowed 30 minutes on the computer. Maybe I'll add some more later this week; I just need to think of the positives so anyone who reads will have a well-balanced glimpse of my life in the city."

Simple Joy-Written July 8, 2006

I wrote this just after returning from Ukraine the first time. I had just spent a month living in an orphanage where God taught me so much about myself and Himself. I arrived back in Kansas City with single digits in the bank, no place to live but, I did have a teaching job lined up to begin in late August. It was a summer full of God's provision.

"I feel really good right now. I've been back from Ukraine for a little over a week and it has proven to be a very difficult week indeed. I find myself constantly missing 'my kids' while at the same time trying to transition back into my life here. Jesus brought up some pretty intense heart issues during my time in Ukraine. As I stepped off of the plane that landed in Kansas City I felt an overwhelming sense of 'orphan-ness' that just won't seem to go away....
For the past six weeks and for the next five weeks I have been and will be living out of suitcases and backpacks in borrowed houses. I have no family in Kansas City and family in New York.....well, that's another story! My close friends whom I've known for a majority of my life are all scattered making it very difficult to communicate. My credit card is almost maxed out and my bank account is nearly non-existant. Lately I feel quite alone and misunderstood.
Why is this blog called "Simple Joy" you might be asking. I'll tell you....
On this lazy Saturday afternoon in July I find myself sitting in the middle of the Bailey's (some of the most amazing friends in the world) hammock with a bowl of cookies-n-cream ice cream and for a few blissful moments the only thing I thought about was how perfect life was right then! I did not think about all of my emotions that have been a constant tornado in my mind, I did not think about where I am going to live when I run out of friend's couches to crash on, I did not think about everything financial that looms in my future.........I sat on that hammock with their cat Bud(I could do without him being around) next to me and laughed at the simple joy of being able to enjoy some ice cream and a nice breeze!
Thank You Jesus, You enjoy blessing me with such moments of pure, childlike joy! May I never be so overwhelmed with the cares of this world that I miss one of these gifts!
Where do you find simple joy?"

Excited...? written May 25, 2006

As I re-read this I can say that it is how I'm feeling currently about moving forward with the next step that has been placed in front of me. I'm not quite excited about Swaziland...yet. And I think that's okay for now, after all, I'm not leaving in 5 days!

"If you know me in the least bit, you know that I am going to Ukraine and I leave on May 30! Yes, there is an exclamation point at the end of that sentence and that perplexes me.
I went to coffee (actually I had a smoothie and my friend had tea, so I guess we went for drinks) with a friend last night. We are both going to Ukraine and have been intensely preparing with our team for the past six months. He asked me if I was excited and I could have given him the expected response of, "oh my gosh, you have no idea!"....but that would have been lying and i value honesty.
So, I thought about it for a few seconds and said, "I guess so." not so convincing right? Why is that? Why am I not completely excited? I mean this has been something I have wanted to do, dreamed of doing for almost five years now and it's actually happening on Tuesday. I should be ecstatic, jumping for joy, unable to sleep from anticipation!!!
I'm not.
And I think I have an idea as to why. Going to Ukraine to spend an entire month with orphans is something that I let myself hope immensely for....the first time. I hoped with some sense of expectation the second time. The third time I hoped again and then told myself that I was just not meant to go to Ukraine and subsequently allowed a million rationalites as to why (otherwise known as lies) fill my mind and take root.
This time, I was more determined than ever not to hope at all. Alas, I have come to know that I am not remotely as determined as Jesus is. In the midst of finances coming in from a multitude of people known as Anonymous and as I oh so s-l-o-w-l-y allowed myself to begin to care about my team (and sometimes let them care about me) hope, ever so subtly, began to grow in my heart.
Now here I am, five days left and I am not excited. This is because right now Ukraine is still a hope. Hopes have potential to be let down.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am anticipating this trip, I have been praying for the kids for months (maybe even years), I have enjoyed thinking up plans for the best birthday party ever and I don't think there is a single conversation I have that does not involve the word Ukraine at least once!
I think that as I fulfill steps in this process that I have never fulfilled before (i.e-packing my bag, having the entire trip paid for, knowing that there is a plane ticket with my name on it) excitement builds......I just force myself to contain it...........UNTIL WE ARE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! then everyone will know I'm excited :)"

Loss-written May 12, 2006

This was written when I found out that my good friend Jenn had been taken to heaven after losing a battle with cancer....

"I lost a part of my life last Tuesday. For the past five years I knew someone who was an amazing woman. Her name was Jennifer, but everyone called her Jenn. She was one of a kind. She had the most beautiful eyes. They were always filled with joy and hope because more than anything she knew that her Jesus was real and everpresent.
She had a zeal for life that was unmatched. She loved to camp, mountain-bike, kayak...anything that had a hint of adventure to it was meant for her!
She possessed such real tenacity and dilligence. I could always count on her courseload consisting of the maximum number of credits allowable each taught by the most challenging professors. She never earned less than a B in any class.
Jenn was a fighter. She battled abandonment from a young age and came out of it with a desire for all to belong. She battled parents who never really knew her and her last words to them were that she loved them and wanted them to know that she is alive and well with Jesus.
Her greatest battle was a three and half year all out war against a cancer that she so unaffectionately named Jezebel. She endured three rounds of Chemo, each one sending her into a short lived remission.
Jenn was one of my best friends. During the past five years we have laughed together countless times! We cried together, fought with God together, shared sarcasm....sometimes a bit too much :) Two weeks ago, I had the honor of being in her company one last time.
Last Tuesday, May 9th, Jenn went to be with Jesus. She told me not to be sad, she will be in heaven and it will be truly amazing. She will have new mountains and streams to explore everyday...and for that I am grateful, I am so glad to think about her spending her 23rd birthday on May 10 with Jesus....alive and well......But, I am so sad for the loss of my friend. My heart hurts more than I thought possible. We will never have another moment together in this life, the ones we've had will have to suffice until we meet again. The tears are coming now.......again........I feel the ache of a friend lost."

Things I Haven't Done Yet

I wrote this list on April 16, 2006 during Transit...

"I was having a conversation with some friends today and the question that arose was, "what are some things in life that you haven't done yet, but really want to do someday?" That's what this blog is about, so if you're not interested in that stop reading :)
Things I haven't done yet, but will do someday:
1. Go hot-air ballooning-I think this would be so cool!
2. Go mountain biking (probably tandem style, might be safer that way!)
3. Go rock climbing and then... rapelling!
4. Learn to play an instrument (probably guitar or piano)...at least learn a little bit, I don't need expertise :)
5. Go horseback riding
6. Ice skating!!!! I used to when I was like 5 but haven't since then....
7. Hang glide....I used to use this as an excuse whenever I would twist my ankle, it sounds so much better than just saying I fell!!
8. Go canoeing....I think....not really so sure if I like the water
9. Would be so excited if I could find a way to go skiing...I'll have to look into adaptive ski places....
10. Go on an African safari!!!
There you have it, some of the many things that this girl from the cement jungle of New York City has not done and cannot wait to do!! Would you look at that? I do have an adventerous side :)"

Frustrated and Confused

Written April 2006
It is wonderful to be able to look at my hopeful and excited attitude about the surprises God allows into my life. I can only see them in this light now that I've learned over the past 3 years to trust Him more and more...

"Okay, so people want me to blog. So I'm blogging. I'm not so great at this. Unfortunately, I chose a bad time to do this, I'm not in the best of moods. I am confused and frustrated. I am confused because just when I think I know what I'm supposed to do after my trip to Ukraine God decides to throw me another curve ball. I think that He -yes, I'm assuming I know what God thinks, one of my favorite pastimes! :)- enjoys just making me wait until the absolute last second before He let's me know what He's up to in my life. I am frustrated because of this confusion and because recently I allowed God to poke around at some really painful things in my heart and now He seems to think (see, doing it again!) that He can just bring up ALL KINDS of pain and I'm not so sure that's what I agreed to. I'd much rather be simply happy with life, I'm struggling with everything in me to continue to live out of the joy and peace that is in my heart and not to let them get overwhelmed with the pain and frustration. I am fighting to remind myself that God loves me, just because, just the way I am. Right now, I am going to go to bed and praise God that His mercies are new every morning. Tomorrow will be better!"

Stirred to Compassion Through Cold Feet

I wrote this 3 years ago during Transit before I took my first trip to Ukraine... This was the first blog I'd ever written :-)

"Okay, so last night there was no heat in our house. As I tried desperately to go to sleep all I could really do was think about how cold my feet were! After about twenty minutes of this it dawned on me that the orphans I am going to be living with in Ukraine this June were probably enduring with no heat as well....and probably for much longer than one night. This realization moved me to pray for about an hour for those kids and so many others around the world. So, if you live in a cold climate and have heat tonight thank God, if you live in a warm climate and have air conditioning tonight thank God and even if you don't have either of those thank God for the opportunity to empathize with others."