Choosing Gratefulness

For the past few days I've found myself in a bit of a less than great attitude. And, while there are plenty of excuses for this (a headache that lingered way too long, saying goodbye to friends who visited for five weeks, the grocery store all of a sudden not carrying some the things I've become used to buying each week....on and on, blah, blah, blah...) I finally realized that I could choose to see things differently.

After a chat with a friend last night I've decided to intentionally choose gratefulness this morning in hopes of pushing away the unpleasant-ness that's building up.

So, here we go.  I'm blessed and am grateful for:

• The Internet that allows me to communicate with so many friends around the world
• My God who hears my prayers and the prayers of my friends 
• The fact that I can speak enough Khmer to have conversations with the boys at the center without needing a translator
• Knowing two of the best tuktuk drivers in all of Phnom Penh
• The blessing of working with a staff who really enjoy their jobs and want to His Kingdom come in powerful ways to Cambodia
• A water cooler when it is still 93 in my bedroom at 2a.m.
• The tile walls in our kitchen that are an ever changing art gallery of work done by friends with dry erase markers
• The blessing of living in a country where I can freely talk about and worship Jesus
• My iPod
• A cell phone system that allows the transfer of money from one SIM card to another
• This season of God's providing in abundance
• Airplanes so my friends can come to and from Cambodia for visits
• The Boys Center where younger brothers come and know they are safe, known and cared for by Jesus and a staff of older brothers and sisters
• Games of Jenga with Panha
• Tuktuk rides to work with my sweet friend Somphoas that double as great Khmer practice times

Right, tuktuk rides to work, I need to get ready to meet my friend for our ride.  This has been a very helpful activity as I have a smile on my face that I'm sure will stick around as I've opened my heart to be looking for blessings.

Today will be a good day :-)

Different Lives, Same God

Today a very sobering thought came to my mind.

I spent an hour this evening with one of my Khmer friends. The original intention was for me to be learning the language during this hour. But, my friend certainly had a lot on his mind.  Thoughts of a sibling who recently had dengue fever and spent a few days in the hospital setting the family back a bit financially, thoughts about a test tomorrow, thoughts of decisions that will effect the future, thoughts about responsibilities at work, thoughts of clients we both work with who are having a rough time right now....By no means an easy load to be carrying.

And, when my lesson (which, today, was more of a good conversation with my younger brother about life) was over he left to go home. It was pouring rain and he drove his moto about 20 minutes to get there.

So, he left and I walked into my bedroom.....and that's when I was hit with reality.

You see, I so desperately wanted to tell my friend to go home and get some rest, some time alone, some down time.  I wanted him to get to a physical place where he could truly rest. But, I didn't say that because even as I thought it I knew it wasn't possible for him.

And yet, there I stood in my LARGE bedroom, so large it's almost the size of where he, his 3 brothers and parents all live together.  It was quiet in my room. I had a fan on and could've even turned on the air con if I'd wanted to. I could set my iPod to a worship playlist and drown out the rest of Cambodia. I could peacefully sit on my balcony and enjoy the rain not having to worry about my apartment flooding.

And, 20 minutes away people I know and love live such a different life....in fact, I'm sure that quite less than 20 minutes away people God loves live quite a different life than I do.

I grew up in inner city America.  Until I was in my 20's I thought living life was about surviving, at best!  Each day was a new challenge to "make do with what ya got". Don't even bother having wants, dreams, needs that are beyond what's right in front of you because nobody will listen and there's no way to make things any better.

During college I began to understand His love for me, during the past year I've grown to know how my Father longs to care for His daughter. And IT IS GOOD.  During the past few years the Holy Spirit has been recreating the way I think and perceive things.  I believe that I am worth being loved. I believe that His desire is for the best for my life. I look at each and every way He has redeemed, provided for and guided me and I'm enormously grateful.

So, I sit here on my bed typing on my laptop. And I'm grateful. Not simply for the material things for I've learned not to cling tightly-one tuktuk ride and my Kindle is broken, one drop of my camera at Wat Phnom and it won't work anymore, one speck of strawberry lemonade powder gets outside its container and the ants have infiltrated the entire thing :-) No, this gratitude is so much deeper-it runs all the way into my soul, deep, deep down so that I can praise Him for the circumstances of my life because He has brought me through it all to right where I am today.

As for my friend....he belongs to the same loving, providing, sovereign God I do. I know he'll seek the rest and peace He desires to give and because my friend seeks, our God will come through.

It probably will look a bit different from what I call peace and rest....and that makes glad. If God provided in the same way for each of us, I wouldn't be learning nearly as much from my Khmer brothers and sisters.

How about you? Has He shown you how grand His plan is, that He provides for and interacts with each of us so uniquely?

Jesus, I love the way You know each one of us so very well. Thank You for Your promise of providing rest and peace when we seek You. Thank You for the ways You've directed my life to bring to right where I am. Thank You for the ways in which You direct the lives of my friends...those in Cambodia, those who are reading this right now...Thank You that You are so very trustworthy and good.

May You Be Blessed....

Today is the first day of Lent-the 40 days leading up to Easter Sunday when many take the time to reflect on Jesus' days on earth, especially His time of being tempted in the wilderness.  It is not so much about the fact that Jesus was tempted that means a lot to me, it's much more about how He responded that matters.  Jesus responded in perfection.  He responded in perfection because I cannot, you cannot.  We need His response.  We need what He alone was able to accomplish, it is the only way to be able to have a relationship with the Father, the Holy One. I'm so grateful for His sacrifice so that I can stand before God not only on my own behalf but on behalf of the many people I love in this world.  Through my relationship with the Father I am able to experience true joy, peace, fulfillment....I am made whole because of my relationship with Him. And this only by the sacrifices of Jesus.

This year I am taking part in an online devotional series during Lent (I signed up for ReLENTless Acts of Justice with WorldVision Act:S. All you have to do is enter your name and email address with a name of a church/school and you can get emails during Lent too).

This particular series will focus on learning to emulate Christ in light of six injustices that happen throughout the world today.  It will provide an opportunity for me to look at the things that are commonly seen as normal in everyday life for an American but are luxuries for those in many other parts of the world.

Today's email included this Franciscan blessing.  I think it is great and will be writing it out in my journal....May you be blessed...

"May God b that was compiled less you with discomfort. Discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. Amen

May God bless you with anger. Anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace. Amen

May God bless you with tears. Tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain into joy. Amen

May God bless you with foolishness. Enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done. Amen

And the blessing of God, who creates, redeems and sanctifies, be upon you and all you love and pray for this day, and forever more. Amen."

Proverbs 13:12 (Written Jan. 9, 2007)

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." ~Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

I have certainly experienced life from both of these perspectives. This week in particular both have been very real in my heart. I have been walking out the realities of both.

About two weeks ago the man who had become my grandfather, by my own choosing (long story) when I was four died. Each day since then has brought with it new and fresh pain-pain that comes with loss (some might call this 'grief'), pain from realizing how different life will be for my family and I and pain that has been hidden in my heart for possibly years if I let myself really face my life. And that's just the beginning...

Last Sunday my Pastor challenged a group of us to look back on the past year of our lives and see the places where Jesus has shown Himself victorious. This is one of my favorite things to do because I KNOW that the Lord is so completely for me and more powerful than I can ever imagine. So, I've been blown away by His faithfulness to me last year. By far the biggest display of my hopes being fulfilled can be seen in my trip to Ukraine. The Lord proved that sometimes He chooses to use the most broken people in the most vulnerable circumstances as a means for Himself to be lifted up when He brought me to Boystown, Mexico to love people whose life situations were so similar to my own family that it literally broke my heart. He showed me that His timing is always perfect if I'll just be patient and wait when He waited until a week before I needed to know where I would live to let me in on His plans. And that's just the beginning....

God's word is true. It is true today. Currently my heart feels oh so sick even though I can see His hope, dreams and fulfillment for my life. This is new, I don't know how to let my heart be sick. I want to treat it like I would a cold-stuff it full of medicine that will hide the symptoms just enough for me to get through the day (saying what I think people want to hear, forcing myself to smile and laugh and pretending that life is just as it was before, ya know the equivalent of cough suppressants, pain relievers and throat soothers).

Jesus, please show Yourself stronger than my own rationalities, teach me how to face pain because I KNOW that on the other side there's joy-

"Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of joy."~Psalm 126:5.

Sunsets-Written Aug. 29, 2006

Sorry everyone, but with limited Internet access it is really hard to find time to post things (or to write new things!)

I had just moved in with my good friend Amanda and had also just begun my first week of teaching at a Christian preschool. Ukraine was still very fresh in my heart and mind. This was the beginning of my life as an official adult-the first year that my life was not dictated by a schedule of classes to attend and assignments to be completed. I made sure to find time to enjoy as many sunsets as possible that year!

"I am sitting at the computer right next to the amazing floor to ceiling window in Amanda's (err, our) apartment. It's 7:40pm and I am watching the most beautiful sunset I have seen in a while. Recently I have dragged a few of my good friends on what I've begun to call 'sunset chases' because nobody seems to know where to find a good view in Kansas City. In fact, a few weeks ago a friend and I were determined to watch an amazing summer sunset, we drove and drove...and drove only to come upon a small clearing that completely devestated me. I had just assumed that there would be a body of water to watch this sunset over but, now I live in the middle of the country and there are no such luxuries. Sunset chasing is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do, especially when it's followed by conversations that last into the night.
I love (yes, love) sunsets. Right now I am looking at the most beautiful hues of pink, purple, orange and red that I can imagine....until the next brilliant sunset that is! Tonight is exceptionally great because there are lots of clouds around to turn deep greyish-purple in the middle and be surrounded by edges of light orange. They are never the same, God always paints a brand new sunset every evening. Sunsets represent hope for me. I know, that is kind of a unique perspective (or, maybe it's not, maybe you think the same way). I really find joy in the feeling of a day completed, tasks accomplished or not accomplished. I find hope in knowing that tomorrow holds brand new opportunities. This day could have been completely wonderful or it could have been dreadfully horrible, but it's over leaving me time to either delight in the amazingness that occured or to let go of all that went wrong and hope in tomorrow. And, hey, there might not be a tomorrow and that's fine too because then there's eternity :)
While in Ukraine my favorite time of day at the orphanage was during sunset. Most of my team would be in the field playing volleyball or soccer and I would sit on the logs and watch the sun sink behind the trees. Everything felt so peaceful when that glow of evening was settled over the building and I knew that Jesus was with my kids as they prepared to go to sleep I was able to hope for my kids that tomorrow would be better, maybe that tomorrow would be one of the best days of their lives.......and now, as the sun has dissappeared, I know that they will be waking up soon and I hope that it will be better than yesterday..........
Above all, sunsets happen during the evening and I don't have to force myself out of bed at some God-forsaken hour to see them!!!!!

Sunset in Ukraine after rain

Sunset downtown Kansas City

Sunset from Amanda's back deck in midtown

Simple Joy-Written July 8, 2006

I wrote this just after returning from Ukraine the first time. I had just spent a month living in an orphanage where God taught me so much about myself and Himself. I arrived back in Kansas City with single digits in the bank, no place to live but, I did have a teaching job lined up to begin in late August. It was a summer full of God's provision.

"I feel really good right now. I've been back from Ukraine for a little over a week and it has proven to be a very difficult week indeed. I find myself constantly missing 'my kids' while at the same time trying to transition back into my life here. Jesus brought up some pretty intense heart issues during my time in Ukraine. As I stepped off of the plane that landed in Kansas City I felt an overwhelming sense of 'orphan-ness' that just won't seem to go away....
For the past six weeks and for the next five weeks I have been and will be living out of suitcases and backpacks in borrowed houses. I have no family in Kansas City and family in New York.....well, that's another story! My close friends whom I've known for a majority of my life are all scattered making it very difficult to communicate. My credit card is almost maxed out and my bank account is nearly non-existant. Lately I feel quite alone and misunderstood.
Why is this blog called "Simple Joy" you might be asking. I'll tell you....
On this lazy Saturday afternoon in July I find myself sitting in the middle of the Bailey's (some of the most amazing friends in the world) hammock with a bowl of cookies-n-cream ice cream and for a few blissful moments the only thing I thought about was how perfect life was right then! I did not think about all of my emotions that have been a constant tornado in my mind, I did not think about where I am going to live when I run out of friend's couches to crash on, I did not think about everything financial that looms in my future.........I sat on that hammock with their cat Bud(I could do without him being around) next to me and laughed at the simple joy of being able to enjoy some ice cream and a nice breeze!
Thank You Jesus, You enjoy blessing me with such moments of pure, childlike joy! May I never be so overwhelmed with the cares of this world that I miss one of these gifts!
Where do you find simple joy?"

Stirred to Compassion Through Cold Feet

I wrote this 3 years ago during Transit before I took my first trip to Ukraine... This was the first blog I'd ever written :-)

"Okay, so last night there was no heat in our house. As I tried desperately to go to sleep all I could really do was think about how cold my feet were! After about twenty minutes of this it dawned on me that the orphans I am going to be living with in Ukraine this June were probably enduring with no heat as well....and probably for much longer than one night. This realization moved me to pray for about an hour for those kids and so many others around the world. So, if you live in a cold climate and have heat tonight thank God, if you live in a warm climate and have air conditioning tonight thank God and even if you don't have either of those thank God for the opportunity to empathize with others."