The song, "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns is the perfect song to describe where I am at right now with life. The lyrics seem to speak so perfectly of where I am. You might want to listen to it, may help this blog make sense.
I've done a lot of praying during the past nine years that I have known Jesus. Probably not as much recently as I could be, but I have done a lot of praying is the point. One of the biggest issues that has been at the top of the list since the beginning of my relationship with Jesus has been my family. As a new Christian I would pray with such faith. I can remember prayer times on the wooden floor in that small church sandwiched between the government housing projects and a gas station, when I would be on my face, tears and snot running all over the place as my church family and I would plea, completely brokenhearted before the Lord for the salvation of my mom and two younger brothers. Here I am today, "I've said amen again just to find, it's still raining". My family has not changed for the good in nine years.
Here's what confuses me, I know that God is alive and active. I cannot deny that because while the lives of my mom and brothers have only gone downhill mine has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Jesus has truly given me more than I could ask or imagine in my own personal life. But what about the ones I love the most, does He really love them more than I do? That's what I've been told anyway. Well, I can't find Him there, but "as the thunder rolls, I can barely hear Him whisper 'I am with you'"
So, I find myself saying "I will praise You in this storm. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm".
I've also done lots of crying lately. One night as I was crying I was reminded of an experience during my junior year at Nyack. I was on a mission trip training retreat and the Lord was asking me to trust Him with my family. As I cried, so ashamed that I didin't trust Him, so hurt for my family, one of the professor's sons who was 12 at the time cupped his hands and caught my tears as he told me that was exactly what God does as well. In order for truths to stick in my mind I need tangibles to go along with them and the Lord knows that so this was a wonderful reminder for me that He does know what I go through, He sees the hurt and the brokeness. This just leaves me wondering, so....then what? He sees and knows and, yes, He loves me through it all.........but...then what? I am longing to see Jesus be ACTIVE in my family. I am longing to see them choose Him for their lives!
I know that if everyting in my family were to change for the good that would certainly not mean that I would never experience pain again. But, I really do believe that my heart could find some stillness, some calm and I'd like that.
So, here I am, right in the middle of one of the most intense storms of my life, confused, scared, hurt...but, I know He's HERE and although I hate to admit it because I want Him to do both- be the Sovereign God He is and just fix it already, in my timing (kind of like I'm one of the Jews who never expected Jesus to come as a baby and so they wouldn't accept it, yeah that's me), just knowing that He's HERE in the storm with me does give me some comfort.
I've done a lot of praying during the past nine years that I have known Jesus. Probably not as much recently as I could be, but I have done a lot of praying is the point. One of the biggest issues that has been at the top of the list since the beginning of my relationship with Jesus has been my family. As a new Christian I would pray with such faith. I can remember prayer times on the wooden floor in that small church sandwiched between the government housing projects and a gas station, when I would be on my face, tears and snot running all over the place as my church family and I would plea, completely brokenhearted before the Lord for the salvation of my mom and two younger brothers. Here I am today, "I've said amen again just to find, it's still raining". My family has not changed for the good in nine years.
Here's what confuses me, I know that God is alive and active. I cannot deny that because while the lives of my mom and brothers have only gone downhill mine has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Jesus has truly given me more than I could ask or imagine in my own personal life. But what about the ones I love the most, does He really love them more than I do? That's what I've been told anyway. Well, I can't find Him there, but "as the thunder rolls, I can barely hear Him whisper 'I am with you'"
So, I find myself saying "I will praise You in this storm. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm".
I've also done lots of crying lately. One night as I was crying I was reminded of an experience during my junior year at Nyack. I was on a mission trip training retreat and the Lord was asking me to trust Him with my family. As I cried, so ashamed that I didin't trust Him, so hurt for my family, one of the professor's sons who was 12 at the time cupped his hands and caught my tears as he told me that was exactly what God does as well. In order for truths to stick in my mind I need tangibles to go along with them and the Lord knows that so this was a wonderful reminder for me that He does know what I go through, He sees the hurt and the brokeness. This just leaves me wondering, so....then what? He sees and knows and, yes, He loves me through it all.........but...then what? I am longing to see Jesus be ACTIVE in my family. I am longing to see them choose Him for their lives!
I know that if everyting in my family were to change for the good that would certainly not mean that I would never experience pain again. But, I really do believe that my heart could find some stillness, some calm and I'd like that.
So, here I am, right in the middle of one of the most intense storms of my life, confused, scared, hurt...but, I know He's HERE and although I hate to admit it because I want Him to do both- be the Sovereign God He is and just fix it already, in my timing (kind of like I'm one of the Jews who never expected Jesus to come as a baby and so they wouldn't accept it, yeah that's me), just knowing that He's HERE in the storm with me does give me some comfort.
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