Missionary Moses and me

I've been thinking a lot about Moses lately. His story is really a great one. Born during a time when he should have been killed-just for being born!-he had a mom who let the Holy Spirit lead her to risk everything in order to save his life. She hid him for 3 months then sent him in a basket adrift on the Nile. 


God really did have BIG plans for this boy. 


Not only was he found, he was found by none other than Pharaoh's daughter! AND, (I love this part!) she offers to pay Moses' own mother to care for him as a young child! 

When he gets a bit older he is sent back to the Pharaoh's daughter and grows up as an Egyptian. Oh, wait, not just any Egyptian but royalty. 


So, this little boy was born and should have died. Not only is his life spared but his mother gets to watch him grow then he is given the honor of being treated as royalty-God's big picture is much more grand than we ever imagine.

One day, God speaks to Moses and his life is never the same....sound familiar to anyone else?

God allows Moses the privilege of fighting on behalf of an oppressed people. And, not only fighting for their freedom but, fighting for their freedom so that they can enter into relationship with the one true God (yep, missionary).

Sounds kinda great doesn't it? Fighting for justice. Fighting on behalf of people who need someone to fight for them. Fighting to see people enter into relationship with God....I like the sound of those kinds of things!

But, were I Moses, would I have liked it?

Moses had to go before the King...and demand that he stop oppressing the Hebrews. Moses didn't know the Hebrews, they were a foreign people to him but he was moved with fierce passion to see them treated justly (did I mention, I think Moses was a missionary?). In order for this to happen he went to Pharaoh and told him that if he wouldn't let the Hebrews go awful things would happen to the Egyptians.

This is where I'm not sure I would've been able to do what Moses did...when Pharaoh didn't let the people go it was Moses' job to initiate all kinds of awful plagues on the Egyptians (frogs, boils, locusts, darkness...eventually the death of every firstborn son). 
For the sake of justice for one group of people he watched as destruction came upon another group. Pharaoh was the one making the decisions and the plagues came upon ALL of the Egyptians.

I just don't know that I would have had the strength to watch hardship come upon an entire group of people based on their King's hardheaded decision. I'm certain that the only thing that would've kept me going would have been the knowledge that God told me to....

But, then again....

If today I had the opportunity to

free orphans... 

or child prostitutes... 

or homeless people.... 

or widows....

 from oppression 

and lead them into relationship with God 

BUT the condition 

was that I had to initiate and watch destruction come upon an entire people group associated with their oppressors.....what would I do then?

I don't know......other than to say that I'd follow God with all of who I am....His plan is so much bigger than the small, momentary glimpses we get during our time on this earth. Yeah, I'd follow Him.

(I really do not know why the font is different sizes and can't figure out how to change it....sorry!)

Not Little Boys Anymore

I have 2 younger brothers who live in New York City. Glen is 19 and Kyle just turned 18 on March 7th. Gosh, I love those boys! Well, I guess they're not so much "boys" anymore, huh?

That doesn't really matter to me because I have the memories of when they were....and those memories will always make me smile:

• When Kyle was learning to read he once pronounced the word "pineapple" as pin-opp-ahlee.
• When Glen was in first grade, his class did a performance of the Macarena.
• While eating a popsicle, Kyle was famous for the amazing slurping sounds he could make...any old Popice sounded like it was the best thing in the world!
• Glen's favorite movie of ALL TIME was The Land Before Time, we watched it over and over and over and....over.
• We had a rabbit (don't ask how we had a rabbit living in Queens, New York City...) and Kyle loved to hide Thumper (that really was the rabbit's name). We'd find him in a wooden box we used to keep potatoes in, we'd find him in drawers and once....we even found him in the dryer (he was okay though!)
• When Glen was learning to talk he couldn't say "sister" so he would call me his 2-year old version of the word, "dita" and he still calls me that...and I love it.
• We used to go to arcades (do those even exist anymore?) on the weekends and they would both use portions of their prize tokens to get little rings, bracelets and what not for my mom and I :-)
• The first meal Glen learned to cook: scrambled eggs in the microwave.
• While doing laundry in the laundromat one time Kyle was intrigued at all the quarters and knew that we needed them for the arcade as well. He looked up at me with huge eyes and a big grin and triumphantly said, "Sister, I'm gonna ask for a million quarters!"'
• We got a dalmatian puppy and were trying to decide what to name him. Kyle suggested, "'Dice, because he looks like dice!", what a creative 4-year old he was! 

These probably don't mean very much to you and that's okay with me.  Just know that to me, these few memories of my brothers are cherished dearly.  It takes quite a bit of effort for me to dig these ones up.  They are buried deep underneath the rubble of the chaos, violence, fear... that the three of us survived together.

And, it's true, Glen and Kyle are not little boys anymore.  Really, they haven't been for a very long time..... They are men and as one of them turned 18 this week he has begun to look at his life and evaluate.  He told me that he had goals for himself, goals that for many 18-year olds would've been quite simple to accomplish (have a driver's license, have a legit job and be nearing high school graduation) but, he hasn't yet.  He has got to figure out how to live a fulfilling life, a life where love matters, a life where it's okay to dream for the future..  He's got to figure these things out without the support system of men to show him what that looks like.

He'll get there....I believe in him, I believe in both of them....I believe in the plan that God has for their lives and for that reason alone I have hope for their futures.

I needed to say that.

Learning of the Pain That Comes With Love

Oh gosh.....I just don't really know where to even begin....

At the bottom of this post is a video of a the song, "I Saw What I Saw" by Sara Groves.  Her lyrics seem to meet my emotions quite perfectly these days.  Once again, I'm reminded of what a wonderful gift music is and am so grateful for skilled writers!

I want to be able to share stories with you about my recent trip to Cambodia.  The problem is, right now, all I can think of  are the stories that are not so fun to tell :-(

I mean, I can still share them with you. And, maybe they will even lead you to greater times of prayer for the people I know and love or maybe they will give you the courage to share some of your own "not so fun to tell" stories.  That would be a good thing, right?

While in Phnom Penh I was able to see many of the people I'd hoped to reconnect with.  There was one big difference in being there this time though.  It was like I was  able to feel all the emotions that were alive around me for the first time.  I think that while I was living there for nearly 6 months I simply let every part of my life become routine and in doing so was able to stop myself from feeling the raw emotions that could have easily accompanied any given day.

Returning to Kids Club at Wat Phnom was so great....for the first ten minutes. Then, I just found myself sitting in the middle (quite literally, they were ALL OVER ME) of a group of 20 kids who I've spent countless hours with.  But, this time I felt pain.  It was painful to watch as my 4 year old friend so easily went up to any stranger and asked for....wel, anything he could get really.  This is how he and his 6 year old sister spend their days-begging for food, money, water.  All of a sudden the reality that this is NOT right came crashing down on top of me as never before.  It was painful to think about what happens each night (drug deals, transvestites selling themselves, currupt police officers adding to the chaos, children wandering aimlessly and unsupervised....oh, the list could go on....) in the very park where we have club each day.  THIS IS WHERE THESE SWEET ONES ARE GROWING UP.  And, it hurt, a lot. 

I visited my friends in Svay Pak, the village where I'd spent every morning, the very same village that was written about in Gary Haugen's book, Terrify No More. From June through October I would arrive each morning with any of my various teamates and we would be blown away at the joy with which we were met!  Our students were eager to learn, the  younger kids were LOUDLY singing whatever the newest Bible song was that they'd been taught the afternoon before and the young women along with the Pastor's wife were all chatting and laughing in the kitchen as they prepared for lunch later that day....always lots of fun! This time though, I was met by my dear friends who are still grieving the loss of their son, Daniel, earlier this year.  The reality of such strong leadership mourning was thick and heavy (as mourning usually is).  One of my brothers there told me about his 30 year old sister-in-law who had just been diagnosed with stomach cancer and sent home to die.  We prayed-he prayed for my eyes and I prayed for his family. This morning I got an email telling me that his sister-in-law, Pov, has gone to be with Jesus. I cried...and will probably cry some more.  

My mind is too tired to keep making sense of the things I felt during my short visit.  Maybe in a few days I'll have the energy for more.....

For now, please join with me in prayer in whatever way you feel led.  Thank you for coming along for the journey...it's certainly not over yet.

And, it certainly does not end in despair.  My God is a Redeemer and He is already redeeming in Cambodia.  I will continue to look for the hope in each story. And I also promise that I won't be afraid to share some of pain as well....I believe that He allows us to feel the pain so that we will be able to experience joy in all of its fullness. 


Yes, Lord, I will live with the pain for a time because I KNOW the joy of Your glory in every circumstance is more than worth it!

An Ache for Cambodia that Leads to Something More....

I know, it's the beginning of a new year and instead of writing about a resolution or the expectation of all the amazing things God has in store for me I'm writing about aches. 

But, just give this post a chance because I think it will end up being a realization of something much grander than just the pain of the moment that it is inspired by....

Since I've been back from Cambodia for the past 2 months some intense things have taken place there in the lives of those I know and love.  My friends and brothers, Panha and Veasna, had their Dad's tuk-tuk stolen less than a week after I'd arrived in Kansas City. I found myself shocked at the news-this happens to other people but, not ones I know!  There was a sick feeling in my stomach all day. The only thing that I thought could console me would be to be there with them, to be able to speak words of comfort, to be able to sit in silence with them as we all wonder about what this will mean for their family. But that wasn't His perfect plan, it was my teeny, tiny idea of what I could do.

His plan was SO MUCH BIGGER. I sent out an email telling friends of what had happened. An email with very little expectation of any real response. The response was overwhelming and two days later I found myself in a bank wiring over $1,500 to my friends so that their family could purchase a new tuk-tuk! And, it doesn't stop there; not only did they get an awesome tuk-tuk but, their Dad who was the only member of their  immediate family to still be a Buddhist, gave his life to Jesus after seeing the power of God's Kingdom to truly change things!

A few weeks later my friend Coen, who has been to Cambodia with me, and I were standing in our Pastor's office reading a news article on CNN about a tragic stampede that took place just hours before during the annual Water Festival in Cambodia.  The report stated that over 300 were dead.  Again, shock filled me followed by fear and even worry-were all of my friends alright? What had caused this? How were people responding? There were so many questions. I began frantically sending text messages to everyone in Cambodia whose phone number I had and, even though it was the middle of the night there, I got speedy replies.  Yes, everyone I knew was indeed safe.  However, some of their family members were not.  Many people I know personally were affected by the stampede through the loss of loved ones. I found myself mourning with people I love, weeping over their pain and at a loss for words as I thought about the spiritual darkness that hovered over a country so lost and desperate for hope. As I took communion that next Sunday I wept and wept over the goodness of our God.  I wept because for the first time I truly understood what it meant that His life was a worthy sacrifice for my sins.  Cambodia is a 95% Buddhist country and following the stampede people were putting out literal material things as sacrifices to appease the spirits in hopes of holding any other catastrophe at bay.  Their sacrifices are empty and worthless....I wept over a country so blinded by deception.

Yesterday as church was ending I received a text message from a colleague in Cambodia informing me that our dear friend lost her baby after he only lived for a day and a half. This is never news that can be taken in easily. This time though, it brought me to almost immediate tears.  My dear friends, Pastor Chantha and his wife Bunthan, live in Svay Pak. They pastor a church that is found in a building that used to be a notorious brothel where young children were sold for sex nightly.  They also mentor and care for 26 young adults who have chosen to follow Jesus despite the attempts of Satan to steal each of their lives through gangs, lucrative money making opportunities as pimps, horrid abuse and many other awful tricks. And (yes, this church is truly a light in one of the darkest places!) they even run a free medical clinic two days a week, have a school and offer English classes to the community.

These dear warriors in the Kingdom of heaven lost their second son yesterday.  My heart aches with grief for their loss.  But, there was also something fierce that rose up in me. A cry declaring that the enemy DOES NOT have any victory in this situation!  I will alert Satan as long as it takes for him to know that this will not be a foothold for him in that community. The faith of my brothers and sisters may be shaken for a moment but God will prevail, His faithfulness will outweigh any question or doubt!

So, yes, my heart aches today. My heart aches again for people I love in Cambodia, brothers and sisters who have changed my life with the way they worship our King, with their kindness, with their love.  A year ago I had not idea how my life would be changed because of some Khmer people who would quickly work their way into my heart.  And, today I find myself so grateful.  Even grateful for the ache.  The ache leads me to a place of intercession that has been dormant for quite a while.  The ache causes me to recall His faithfulness in my own life so that i can continue to claim it over Cambodia.....over those I've grown to love.

Loss-written May 12, 2006

This was written when I found out that my good friend Jenn had been taken to heaven after losing a battle with cancer....

"I lost a part of my life last Tuesday. For the past five years I knew someone who was an amazing woman. Her name was Jennifer, but everyone called her Jenn. She was one of a kind. She had the most beautiful eyes. They were always filled with joy and hope because more than anything she knew that her Jesus was real and everpresent.
She had a zeal for life that was unmatched. She loved to camp, mountain-bike, kayak...anything that had a hint of adventure to it was meant for her!
She possessed such real tenacity and dilligence. I could always count on her courseload consisting of the maximum number of credits allowable each taught by the most challenging professors. She never earned less than a B in any class.
Jenn was a fighter. She battled abandonment from a young age and came out of it with a desire for all to belong. She battled parents who never really knew her and her last words to them were that she loved them and wanted them to know that she is alive and well with Jesus.
Her greatest battle was a three and half year all out war against a cancer that she so unaffectionately named Jezebel. She endured three rounds of Chemo, each one sending her into a short lived remission.
Jenn was one of my best friends. During the past five years we have laughed together countless times! We cried together, fought with God together, shared sarcasm....sometimes a bit too much :) Two weeks ago, I had the honor of being in her company one last time.
Last Tuesday, May 9th, Jenn went to be with Jesus. She told me not to be sad, she will be in heaven and it will be truly amazing. She will have new mountains and streams to explore everyday...and for that I am grateful, I am so glad to think about her spending her 23rd birthday on May 10 with Jesus....alive and well......But, I am so sad for the loss of my friend. My heart hurts more than I thought possible. We will never have another moment together in this life, the ones we've had will have to suffice until we meet again. The tears are coming now.......again........I feel the ache of a friend lost."