Choosing to Live Loved

A few months ago I wrote a post called, Live Loved.  The moment of revelation described in that post changed my life, but the moment wasn't the end.  God spoke to me that day in March but it has been up to me to choose to live out of His revealed truth or to say it's too hard and continue on in what was so comfortable and easy.  I know that the enemy of my soul wants to see me live all tangled up in lies about being pitied instead of the freedom given by the Truth of Jesus' love for me.

And....

I am determined to choose redemptive Truth as I come face to face with shadowy lies.
I am persistent in choosing to view my circumstances through His eternal perspective instead of seeing through my very limited viewpoint.
I am diligent in choosing to search for His goodness instead of simply taking things just as they are on the surface.
I am steadfast in choosing to count my blessings instead of being overwhelmed by the schemes of the enemy.
I choose to be grateful for each moment when I'm able to recognize His love and goodness instead of desperate in the moments of lonlieness and struggle.
I choose to be joyful in the restorative times shared with friends who have become family instead of hopeless for what has been stolen.
I choose to be passionate in standing with Him for the victory He promises instead of being weary when faced with the battle.
I choose to be resilient as I tell mountain after mountain after mountain to leave in Jesus' name instead of allowing the obstacles to steal my will to keep going forward.

I need to speak and write these declarations -often!- to remind my soul of the things that matter. I need others to hear and see these declarations so that we can remind each other.  I need God to breathe these declarations into me -over and over and over again...- so that I can continue living loved.

In the day to day of life this means choosing to cherish moments, words, experiences that God gives to show me that He hears these declarations and the He is faithful to provide for the dreams He breathes into my soul...

God reminds me that He hears and will be faithful to fulfill in so many ways...  It is my job (and yours) to choose to see His faithfulness and to even find it in the small things.  During the past few months I've seen it in things like....

Gifts of peanut M&M's.

Subway rides in Singapore.
Those moments before loved ones leave and you say, "love you" to each other because it's normal that you matter to each other.

Shared flavored coffee creamer from America (the superior liquid kind, not powder!).

Lunch brought by a friend when a migraine shows up.
Brothers who drive a little slower when I'm on their moto.

The sky when it's deep blue before nightfall. 

Conversations in Khmer about the deep things of God and life. 

Swimming in the afternoon on a day off.

Riding on a moto through rainy season floodwater to spend time with friends.
Phone calls and text messages just to say, "hey, thinking about you, how are you?". 

Being prayed for by ones who know me even when I don't have the strength or courage to pray for myself. 

When someone says it's okay to eat with my hands. 

Apple cinnamon bagels showing up at the grocery store in October. 

Photos of sunsets sent to me by friends who know my heart.

Meals shared in my home and the homes of others.
Times when God speaks so clearly and personally...even when I'm in a room with thousands of other believers.
Skype conversations that are filled with laughter and hope.

When people say they feel at peace and safe in my house because His presence is surely there.

Little ones who shout my name and are excited I came.

People who aren't afraid to speak His truth even when it's hard for them to say and for me to hear.
Phone calls from sisters to share stories of victory.
So many more moments...

Some of His Reminders 

These are a few of the ways Jesus reminds me that the constant, determined, persistent, diligent, steadfast choices to live loved are seen by Him.  He knows it's not easy in this world and He knows we have a choice and He delights in every moment when we choose His love.  Choosing His love instead of the easy, comfortable opposition of old habits and mindsets is work but I promise the results are more than worth it.

What will you choose today?  How have you seen His faithfulness?  

Waiting With Jesus on Easter

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:25-26

During the past 17 years of knowing Jesus Easter is still my very favorite holiday.  It may have been my favorite as kid, too because it was so full of FUN- coloring eggs together on Saturday night (each person would get an egg with their name on it, even our multiple pets!), waking up on Sunday to discover an Easter basket full of jelly beans, chocolate and marshmallow Peeps and then the hunt to find all those eggs that had been hidden (Mom always had to write a list of where they were because there were so many!). Later in the day cousins and grandparents and the drug dealers who had become like family would all come to our house and we'd eat a big meal and....well, things usually went downhill after that. There was always all the fun first though and each year brought with it the hope that the holiday would end differently than the year before. 

And now, even more as an adult, I love what Easter means! A day set aside to celebrate what Jesus has done for us, WOOHOO!!! Literally, I can not and do not even want to imagine my life without Him. He CONQUERED DEATH and went through such extreme torture and torment to do it. I can only find hope and love in Him because of that.  He endured pain to the point of sweating blood and I have never experienced that kind of pain, this tells me that He understands pain that is more unbearable than I can conceive which means that He certainly understands all of the pain I go through.  That's comforting.  I really, really, really love Jesus and celebrating Him.  

So, I go to church on Easter and I worship, sing victory and shout hallelujah with all of my very being because I get what He has done for me! I know without a doubt that my life is worth living, that He is worthy of praise, He deserves glory that compares to none other!!! He lights my paths, He gives me deep rooted joy, He reigns over my whole life so I can experience peace, He sees me as holy and righteous because of who He is!!! 

Yes, let's celebrate Jesus!!!

And yet... I'm still waiting for more.  And so is He.  It's Sunday, He rose from the grave, He is alive, alive forevermore and I will be with Him for eternity.... But, there's more... Jesus and me, we are waiting. Together. For more. 

We, me and Jesus, are waiting on this day of celebrating His resurrection.... 

We are waiting for loved ones to recognize the gift He gave.   

Jesus' loved ones who He gave His life for. 

My loved ones.  

And perhaps you are waiting with Jesus too for some loved ones to recognize the celebration.  

The sweet, good news is we don't wait alone you and I... 

We wait with Him. 

My heart aches so much on Easter.  Seriously aches, like the kind of ache you get from wisdom teeth times infinity.... I long for the ones close to my heart, the ones God designed to be so close to my heart, to know Him.  If only they would choose to taste for just a second how much better He makes life, they would not be able to deny Him so easily.  "Choose", though, that word is important for my heart to remember this Easter.  Jesus gave this gift out of love, He doesn't force anyone to take what He offers.  Instead He waits for each person to look at Him and receive the best gift ever.  Receiving involves choice.  And, just as my heart has that wisdom-tooth-times-infinity-ache His heart aches even more because He knows fully and completely what He has given.  

It's so comforting to know that He waits, He understands the pain, He has His own longings for the ones I love because He loves them.  He won't quit waiting either. He will never give up, He has already proven that through His suffering.  I don't wait alone and when I'm weary from waiting (like today) He encourages me through His own waiting.  

So, yep, me and Jesus we will wait together for our loved ones to join us in celebrating resurrection.  Jesus waits with you too.  He knows your longing, He knows your aching (maybe yours isn't like wisdom teeth but maybe you describe it as bumping your funny bone or stubbing your toe or maybe even a migraine....whatever the pain is like He gets it and He aches too) and He is with you in it.  

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:25-26

Wrapping Presents (Written Dec. 15, 2006)

****Written December 19, 2017, 11 years later: Tonight, I was wrapping some gifts and had the very same experience of lots of laughter and shaking my head at the ridiculousness of the excess paper and gobs of tape used on each one.  I've learned that the joy in giving a gift outweighs any fear of what people might think about the outside package.  Thanks, Lord, for the constant joy I receive in giving! 

December 19, 2017

Tonight as I sat on my living room floor and began the task of wrapping a few Christmas presents I almost had to stop a few times because I was laughing so hard. This is a normal occurrence  in my life since my wonderful roommate has such a great sense of humor...but she wasn't even home!!

It was just me and Jesus. Let me tell you why wrapping presents is so much fun for me...

As a kid I was never taught the 'right' way to wrap presents. We rarely even had the 'right' material for wrapping presents. I loved to give gifts anyway and so I would go about wrapping them in any old way as long as the entire gift was covered so the recipient couldn't guess what was inside I was happy. I can remember lots of gifts being wrapped (are you ready?) with aluminum foil and masking tape! At least they were totally covered and nobody was gonna guess what was inside!

I was never self-conscious about my unique gift-wrapping skills. My mom has some great qualities and one was that she always encouraged me to do what makes me happy even if others didn't like it. Because I'm legally blind I've had to make lots of adaptations to the way things are done in life and as I grew up doing things just a bit differently than everyone else, she never pointed out those differences. So, she always enjoyed my uniquely wrapped presents :)

Now I'm 23 and it's almost Christmas. I began my gift wrapping tonight. My first task was a large, round pot-type thing and as I wrapped it I just burst out laughing, I do have actual Christmas wrapping paper this time, but alas my skills have not improved since I was 4. This gift is sitting on the floor with its gobs of tape and surely a massive amount of excess wrapping.

And, you know what? I'm still not self-conscious about it, I kind of enjoy the way I wrap presents, no other 'adult' wraps like I do (not on purpose anyway). I get lots of joy from the fact that, if you ask me, there is no such thing as the 'right' way to wrap a gift. I don't want to know how to 'fix' my gift wrapping technique either, I like it just the way it is and actually I pray that I don't ever become self conscious about it.

Thank You Lord for tonight, for good memories of when I was a little girl, for the joy of being able to see certain aspects of the world with the eyes of a child and for the wonderful people You've placed in my present life who will be blessed enough to experience the gobs of tape on their gifts this year :)

Summer in the City-Written Aug. 1, 2006

Since I knew that I was going to be living in Kansas City for a while I took a trip back to NYC to in a sense say goodbye to some friends, family members and my home church. Some of you may not know the details of my story but when i wrote this it was more of a journaling/processing experience for me. I then decided to publish it because even though some of the things may not be pretty or may even seem too crazy to fathom, God gains glory because of how He has transformed my life, even during the past 3 years.



"I have been in New York for almost two weeks now. I must admit that I had almost forgotten what the city can be like in July and August. Here are some of the things I've been reminded of since I've been here:
***NOTE-in no way is this a broad representation of all of New York City, what you are reading are only some very specific insights into the area that my friends and family occupy.

1.) On my first night at church I was blessed enough to be given an amount of money to add to the single-digit amount I had in my pocket when I arrived in NY. This blessing quickly became a lesson in how much I'd forgotten-that night the money was stolen as I slept. No worries, the Lord has continuously provided for my every need and I have quickly reacquainted myself with the habit of NEVER leaving money farther away than I can reach.
2.) I was reminded that the NYPD shift change takes place at 2:00 AM when at a friend's house about fifteen people (all engaged in illegal activity of one kind or another) came inside at 1:35 and went back out at 2:15. The reason? Simple, at 1:40 the police begin to rush to meet their quotas of ticketing and arrests and by 2:15 it's a new shift and they dont really have to worry for another seven hours or so!
3.) Dunkin' Donuts is open 24-hours a day, seven days a week allowing me to indulge in a hazelnut iced coffee for under $3.00 anytime I want!
4.) I have been continuously reminded of how much I love my church family. These people who are so dear to me range in age from 11 months to 89 years. Jesus has truly been preparing their hearts to release me as a young woman seeking to please the Lord with my life. There have been sweet times of prayer as they pray for me and I for them, hilarious times of fellowship as they tease about me becoming a Midwesterner (aint happenin!!!) and long reminiscent talks about the things the Lord has done in all of our lives.
5.) As I search for my mom I am hit with the reality of how difficult it is to really keep contacts on the streets when I have not been here for a year.
6.) MASS TRANSIT!!!! I have been enjoying the liberty of being able to get from the Bronx to Brooklyn in 35 minutes (for those of you who dont know, that's pretty far). Seriously, I can get anywhere I want to go, when I want to go there and feel completely comfortable and confident doing so. I am really going to miss that.

There are many other things I could put here, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for you since many of them have to do with the insanities and drama of the illegal realms of the city that my family is so good at being involved in), I am at the public library and only allowed 30 minutes on the computer. Maybe I'll add some more later this week; I just need to think of the positives so anyone who reads will have a well-balanced glimpse of my life in the city."