As I re-read this I can say that it is how I'm feeling currently about moving forward with the next step that has been placed in front of me. I'm not quite excited about Swaziland...yet. And I think that's okay for now, after all, I'm not leaving in 5 days!
"If you know me in the least bit, you know that I am going to Ukraine and I leave on May 30! Yes, there is an exclamation point at the end of that sentence and that perplexes me.
I went to coffee (actually I had a smoothie and my friend had tea, so I guess we went for drinks) with a friend last night. We are both going to Ukraine and have been intensely preparing with our team for the past six months. He asked me if I was excited and I could have given him the expected response of, "oh my gosh, you have no idea!"....but that would have been lying and i value honesty.
So, I thought about it for a few seconds and said, "I guess so." not so convincing right? Why is that? Why am I not completely excited? I mean this has been something I have wanted to do, dreamed of doing for almost five years now and it's actually happening on Tuesday. I should be ecstatic, jumping for joy, unable to sleep from anticipation!!!
I'm not.
And I think I have an idea as to why. Going to Ukraine to spend an entire month with orphans is something that I let myself hope immensely for....the first time. I hoped with some sense of expectation the second time. The third time I hoped again and then told myself that I was just not meant to go to Ukraine and subsequently allowed a million rationalites as to why (otherwise known as lies) fill my mind and take root.
This time, I was more determined than ever not to hope at all. Alas, I have come to know that I am not remotely as determined as Jesus is. In the midst of finances coming in from a multitude of people known as Anonymous and as I oh so s-l-o-w-l-y allowed myself to begin to care about my team (and sometimes let them care about me) hope, ever so subtly, began to grow in my heart.
Now here I am, five days left and I am not excited. This is because right now Ukraine is still a hope. Hopes have potential to be let down.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am anticipating this trip, I have been praying for the kids for months (maybe even years), I have enjoyed thinking up plans for the best birthday party ever and I don't think there is a single conversation I have that does not involve the word Ukraine at least once!
I think that as I fulfill steps in this process that I have never fulfilled before (i.e-packing my bag, having the entire trip paid for, knowing that there is a plane ticket with my name on it) excitement builds......I just force myself to contain it...........UNTIL WE ARE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! then everyone will know I'm excited :)"
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