Waiting With Jesus on Easter

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:25-26

During the past 17 years of knowing Jesus Easter is still my very favorite holiday.  It may have been my favorite as kid, too because it was so full of FUN- coloring eggs together on Saturday night (each person would get an egg with their name on it, even our multiple pets!), waking up on Sunday to discover an Easter basket full of jelly beans, chocolate and marshmallow Peeps and then the hunt to find all those eggs that had been hidden (Mom always had to write a list of where they were because there were so many!). Later in the day cousins and grandparents and the drug dealers who had become like family would all come to our house and we'd eat a big meal and....well, things usually went downhill after that. There was always all the fun first though and each year brought with it the hope that the holiday would end differently than the year before. 

And now, even more as an adult, I love what Easter means! A day set aside to celebrate what Jesus has done for us, WOOHOO!!! Literally, I can not and do not even want to imagine my life without Him. He CONQUERED DEATH and went through such extreme torture and torment to do it. I can only find hope and love in Him because of that.  He endured pain to the point of sweating blood and I have never experienced that kind of pain, this tells me that He understands pain that is more unbearable than I can conceive which means that He certainly understands all of the pain I go through.  That's comforting.  I really, really, really love Jesus and celebrating Him.  

So, I go to church on Easter and I worship, sing victory and shout hallelujah with all of my very being because I get what He has done for me! I know without a doubt that my life is worth living, that He is worthy of praise, He deserves glory that compares to none other!!! He lights my paths, He gives me deep rooted joy, He reigns over my whole life so I can experience peace, He sees me as holy and righteous because of who He is!!! 

Yes, let's celebrate Jesus!!!

And yet... I'm still waiting for more.  And so is He.  It's Sunday, He rose from the grave, He is alive, alive forevermore and I will be with Him for eternity.... But, there's more... Jesus and me, we are waiting. Together. For more. 

We, me and Jesus, are waiting on this day of celebrating His resurrection.... 

We are waiting for loved ones to recognize the gift He gave.   

Jesus' loved ones who He gave His life for. 

My loved ones.  

And perhaps you are waiting with Jesus too for some loved ones to recognize the celebration.  

The sweet, good news is we don't wait alone you and I... 

We wait with Him. 

My heart aches so much on Easter.  Seriously aches, like the kind of ache you get from wisdom teeth times infinity.... I long for the ones close to my heart, the ones God designed to be so close to my heart, to know Him.  If only they would choose to taste for just a second how much better He makes life, they would not be able to deny Him so easily.  "Choose", though, that word is important for my heart to remember this Easter.  Jesus gave this gift out of love, He doesn't force anyone to take what He offers.  Instead He waits for each person to look at Him and receive the best gift ever.  Receiving involves choice.  And, just as my heart has that wisdom-tooth-times-infinity-ache His heart aches even more because He knows fully and completely what He has given.  

It's so comforting to know that He waits, He understands the pain, He has His own longings for the ones I love because He loves them.  He won't quit waiting either. He will never give up, He has already proven that through His suffering.  I don't wait alone and when I'm weary from waiting (like today) He encourages me through His own waiting.  

So, yep, me and Jesus we will wait together for our loved ones to join us in celebrating resurrection.  Jesus waits with you too.  He knows your longing, He knows your aching (maybe yours isn't like wisdom teeth but maybe you describe it as bumping your funny bone or stubbing your toe or maybe even a migraine....whatever the pain is like He gets it and He aches too) and He is with you in it.  

"The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.  It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:25-26

5-5-5 Full of Grace

May is the 5th month of the year, this May I've been in Cambodia for 5 years and it is 2015! 

The number 5 has been one of my favorite numbers for a long time now (the other is 3, and the 5's above make a set of 3!). 

I've been taught and have come to believe that the number 5 represents God's grace upon humans.  God's favor, God doing for us what we cannot do in our efforts alone, God's goodness towards us to display His character so He can receive glory.  There are three biblical instances that I've come to view as backing up this idea.

First, is the fact that the 5th commandment is the only one given that has a promise attached to it (Exod. 20:12). This promise is not anything that we could bring about on our own-it's the promise of long life. Only God determines how long our lives on this earth will last.  Second is the strategy that God used in having David prepare for his battle with Goliath by picking up 5 smooth stones (1 Samuel 17). There was no chance that David would actually be able to kill the 9ft. giant Goliath with only 5 smooth stones-they weren't even jagged rocks that could have cut the enemy! In the end, David only needed to use one stone but, God had him take 5-maybe God knew this would feel the tiniest bit more realistic to David, I mean, if God said, "Take one stone" instead of, "Take 5 stones" it would have taken longer for me to agree if I were in David's place. God's goodness was in the preparation for David and shone through in the results as well.  Lastly is the story of when Jesus fed the 5,000 (which is really probably more like 12,000 when you add women and children to the number) with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish (John 6:1-14).  The disciples were fairly certain that they were not going to be able to feed the crowd that had gathered but with just 5 fish and faith in God Jesus was able to feed the crowd and even have baskets full of leftovers! The disciples could tried all they wanted on their own to somehow conjure up enough food or enough money to buy enough food and it wouldn't have worked-this is something only God, in His grace, could do for them.

Now, I find myself having been in Cambodia for 5 years and being amazed by God's grace throughout that time.  When I first left America it was all a great big adventure and going to be so much fun! My first 4 weeks was completely that (and grace filled from the moment we arrived in Cambodia and the 17 year old on our team who lost his passport between America and here was allowed into the country!).

After that first month though, I found myself in some desperate need of His grace. I couldn't just force new friendships, I couldn't simply snap my fingers and be fluent in Khmer and I couldn't deny the need for Hope I was seeing all around me everyday.

His grace was the only thing that would make a lasting difference for me.
And, I still rely on His grace everyday.

I have wonderful, deep friendships here now and I need His grace to continue investing in them even though people come and go about every 4 months here.  I can understand Khmer REALLY WELL now and I need His grace to keep me learning in an attitude of humility.  I know the names and stories of some people who are bound by hopelessness in their lives and I need His grace to continually speak and offer Hope... Continually. Over and over and over and even over again....

So many things I can't "just make happen", His grace is a sweet necessity in my life.
Just as it was in Paul's life when he asked the Lord to remove a pain he could not remove himself and this is what God replied and Paul's wise response,

"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Cor. 12:9).

Where do you need His grace in your life? God really enjoys pouring His grace out, give Him a chance and He might just surprise you with His grace for you.

Monday Night in a New Place

Right now it is 6:45pm and I am sitting in my living room in Cambodia, watching the Cosby Show.

Bet you didn't expect that....

Well, yep, that's what I'm doing here on a Monday night. Because, it makes life feel normal.

I've been back for about 10 days now.  And, I have truly realized that this season is really not the same as the last one I spent here.
It was very easy to tell myself (as well as others) that truth while I was in America. It's quite another thing to be here and live it.

It's been tough coming back after 7 months of being gone. I was in the States longer than I was in Cambodia last year (I was here for 5 months) and that wasn't my original intent when I left in November.
I've forgotten so much pia-saa Khmer (Khmer language) that I feel like I'm having to start all over again.
I live in a new neighborhood with new streets, new neighbors, new things that will eventually become familiar.
The kids at Kids Club have all grown (which is great!) and there are all these new ones...certainly many changes in that ministry and much of it is wonderful to observe. That's it though, right now, I'm just an observer in many things here until I get fully settled in again.
I'm having to pray about where my niche will be...there are many opportunities since we're in the process of hiring more Khmer staff members and officially cleaning out and opening the Boys Center.  Lots of new and exciting things to be part of!

Yet, this means that lots of things are simply different than they were last year.  I've found some time to spend with Jesus, letting go of the last season here, sitting before Him, trusting Him, knowing that He has the best possible plans for His glory and my life.

So, yes, on a Monday night my roommate, Steph, and I watched the Cosby Show on our little tv in our apartment. And, it made life feel normal for a bit. I could just laugh at a familiar sitcom and forget the circumstances around me.  It was good and I was glad for it.

5 Years Later...Still Missing Jenn

Jenn and I just a few weeks before she met Jesus face to face :-) We'd just enjoyed a long day filled with laughter!

Today marks 5 years since my dear friend, Jennifer Leghorn, went home to be with Jesus. She was 21 and celebrated her 22nd birthday, May 10, in Heaven.  I think parties in Heaven are going to 
be the most fun things EVER!


I find myself thinking about Jenn so much lately.  When we were in college she was going to be a missionary and I was going to teach 2nd grade....Now, I'm a missionary....I don't think any of us would've ever seen that one coming :-)  I still miss my friend, a lot.  During the past few months I've re-discovered the adventurous side (a story for a whole other blog!) and gosh I miss her as I do things like ride motos through Cambodian streets, go rock climbing and dream about para-gliding and mountain biking on a tandem bike :-)  Can't wait til eternity when we can do these things together!!


The rest of this blog is 2 posts I've written in previous years to honor who Jenn is....not was but is.  She is very much alive and well at this very moment because of the gift she chose to receive from our wonderful Savior Who gave her eternal life...Thank You Jesus for eternity and for my friend Jenn. 


"Hope and Courage Offered Through friendship-written May 8, 2008


May 9th 2006 was a Tuesday. I remember waking up that morning at Shalom retreat center. I spent the morning sitting with friends as we all participated in our very last session of something we called "The God Story". We had all been on a journey together during the past nine months-a journey of discovering how alive God's word is, a journey of discovering what it means to live in community (and what it doesn't mean as well) and particularly for me a journey of learning to trust God's love in my life.

We all listened intently as images of heaven filled the room, we were going through the book of Revelation paying special attention to the hope presented in the book. We talked about eternity, the joy of being with Jesus always. We talked about victory, the joy of overcoming death and pain. We talked about worship, the joy of praising Jesus without ever ceasing.

As soon as we had finished our last worship song a strange feeling of urgency came over me. I knew I needed to get to my phone. Everyone knew I was on a retreat in the-middle-of-nowhere-Kansas and so I wouldn't be able to get to my phone yet there was a new voicemail. It was my friend simply telling me to call as soon as I could.

I knew immediately what she was going to tell me. Our good friend Jenn had been fighting cancer for the past four years and this was the end. I called her back anyway and she only confirmed what I already knew in my heart. I stood there shakily holding the phone and could do nothing except melt into a puddle of tears. A few of my close friends surrounded me and prayed. The next few days were a blur as I tried to focus on the task at hand-bringing closure to this chapter in my life called Transit. I didn't let the grief come, I swallowed it so that I could be present during our graduation ceremonies and then I left for a month overseas.

I miss Jenn often. Last Sunday a worship song at church brought back memories of her after chemo treatments and I felt the sadness as if it were a punch in the stomach. So sudden and so real. Sometimes when I share ice cream with friends I remember the last time she and I had ice cream-it was the fourth of July and she wasn't well enough to go to a concert at Jones Beach as we'd planned so instead we had ice cream :-) During Transit she would send me "care packages" (her way of making sure that everyone in Kansas City knew that I was loved by people in New York) and I recently found a sticky note she'd attached to a card, it says, "Pray for me, I need it to beat this stupid cancer."

And we did pray. My friends and I prayed hard...in the beginning. Then, it sort of became commonplace that Jenn just had cancer. It didn't stop her from doing the things that she was passionate about-she still volunteered as a youth leader, she still worked at the campus library, she still got A grades in Professor Poston's classes. Although she had cancer it was never what defined her, at least not to those of us who really knew her.

I know that this has gotten rather lengthly and I really could just keep writing about all that Jenn was. I am just so very grateful that the Lord blessed me with the privilege of calling her friend and even sister. Last November I was on a retreat and Jesus prompted me to write her a letter, this is part of what it said,
"I think about how well I was loved by you even though we never talked about 'that stuff'. I think about your will to live life to the fullest. Jenn, you knew that life was rough and unfair but still you enjoyed it. You chose to trust Jesus despite so many things. You have given me so much hope and so much courage. Thank you for your example in choosing to follow and trust Him."

If you knew Jenn may you be reminded of her courage and hope, celebrate her this week-that is what she would want. If you did not know Jenn please think of those whose lives show you hope and give you courage-thank them and thank God for His blessings in your life."


"Loss=written May 12, 2006


I lost a part of my life last Tuesday. For the past five years I knew someone who was an amazing woman. Her name was Jennifer, but everyone called her Jenn. She was one of a kind. She had the most beautiful eyes. They were always filled with joy and hope because more than anything she knew that her Jesus was real and everpresent.
She had a zeal for life that was unmatched. She loved to camp, mountain-bike, kayak...anything that had a hint of adventure to it was meant for her!
She possessed such real tenacity and dilligence. I could always count on her courseload consisting of the maximum number of credits allowable each taught by the most challenging professors. She never earned less than a B in any class.
Jenn was a fighter. She battled abandonment from a young age and came out of it with a desire for all to belong. She battled parents who never really knew her and her last words to them were that she loved them and wanted them to know that she is alive and well with Jesus.
Her greatest battle was a three and half year all out war against a cancer that she so unaffectionately named Jezebel. She endured three rounds of Chemo, each one sending her into a short lived remission.
Jenn was one of my best friends. During the past five years we have laughed together countless times! We cried together, fought with God together, shared sarcasm....sometimes a bit too much :) Two weeks ago, I had the honor of being in her company one last time.
Last Tuesday, May 9th, Jenn went to be with Jesus. She told me not to be sad, she will be in heaven and it will be truly amazing. She will have new mountains and streams to explore everyday...and for that I am grateful, I am so glad to think about her spending her 23rd birthday on May 10 with Jesus....alive and well......But, I am so sad for the loss of my friend. My heart hurts more than I thought possible. We will never have another moment together in this life, the ones we've had will have to suffice until we meet again. The tears are coming now.......again........I feel the ache of a friend lost."

Missionary Moses and me

I've been thinking a lot about Moses lately. His story is really a great one. Born during a time when he should have been killed-just for being born!-he had a mom who let the Holy Spirit lead her to risk everything in order to save his life. She hid him for 3 months then sent him in a basket adrift on the Nile. 


God really did have BIG plans for this boy. 


Not only was he found, he was found by none other than Pharaoh's daughter! AND, (I love this part!) she offers to pay Moses' own mother to care for him as a young child! 

When he gets a bit older he is sent back to the Pharaoh's daughter and grows up as an Egyptian. Oh, wait, not just any Egyptian but royalty. 


So, this little boy was born and should have died. Not only is his life spared but his mother gets to watch him grow then he is given the honor of being treated as royalty-God's big picture is much more grand than we ever imagine.

One day, God speaks to Moses and his life is never the same....sound familiar to anyone else?

God allows Moses the privilege of fighting on behalf of an oppressed people. And, not only fighting for their freedom but, fighting for their freedom so that they can enter into relationship with the one true God (yep, missionary).

Sounds kinda great doesn't it? Fighting for justice. Fighting on behalf of people who need someone to fight for them. Fighting to see people enter into relationship with God....I like the sound of those kinds of things!

But, were I Moses, would I have liked it?

Moses had to go before the King...and demand that he stop oppressing the Hebrews. Moses didn't know the Hebrews, they were a foreign people to him but he was moved with fierce passion to see them treated justly (did I mention, I think Moses was a missionary?). In order for this to happen he went to Pharaoh and told him that if he wouldn't let the Hebrews go awful things would happen to the Egyptians.

This is where I'm not sure I would've been able to do what Moses did...when Pharaoh didn't let the people go it was Moses' job to initiate all kinds of awful plagues on the Egyptians (frogs, boils, locusts, darkness...eventually the death of every firstborn son). 
For the sake of justice for one group of people he watched as destruction came upon another group. Pharaoh was the one making the decisions and the plagues came upon ALL of the Egyptians.

I just don't know that I would have had the strength to watch hardship come upon an entire group of people based on their King's hardheaded decision. I'm certain that the only thing that would've kept me going would have been the knowledge that God told me to....

But, then again....

If today I had the opportunity to

free orphans... 

or child prostitutes... 

or homeless people.... 

or widows....

 from oppression 

and lead them into relationship with God 

BUT the condition 

was that I had to initiate and watch destruction come upon an entire people group associated with their oppressors.....what would I do then?

I don't know......other than to say that I'd follow God with all of who I am....His plan is so much bigger than the small, momentary glimpses we get during our time on this earth. Yeah, I'd follow Him.

(I really do not know why the font is different sizes and can't figure out how to change it....sorry!)

Awkward Love

Lately, I've been reading A LOT.  I know, some of you are thinking, "Yvonne, you read A LOT all the time..." and, you're probably right. But, I've been reading specifically about love and how men and women have such different experiences with it. So, I guess the correct sentence should be, lately, I've been reading A LOT about love. I'm doing some specific research for the opening of the Boys Center in Camboida.
Lots of people out there have many more years of experience than I do so, for a while, I may just share with you the wisdom from others that stands out to me.

Here's another excerpt from John Eldredge and as for the parts that relate to women, I think I fully agree.  It is not easy for anyone, male or female, to love others and to open ourselves up to the vulnerabilities that come with it.
But, I'm sure gonna keep on tryin' cause it is so worth it for the relationships that grow and mature...

"Honest communication in love is the only way to live and grow in friendships including marriages. There are ebbs and flows. There may be real hurt and disappointment. But with the grace of God firmly holding us, it is possible to nurture and sustain deep friendships. We are designed to live in relationship and share in the lives of others. We need one another. God knows that. We have only to ask and surrender, to wait, to hope, and, in faith, to love. We must also repent.

Christianity, as it currently exists, has done some terrible things to men. When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on the earth to be a good boy. The problem with men, we are told, is that they don't know how to keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children. But, if they will try real hard they can reach the lofty summit of becoming . . . a nice guy. That's what we hold up as models of Christian maturity: Really Nice Guys. We don't smoke, drink, or swear; that's what makes us men. Now let me ask my male readers: In all your boyhood dreams growing up, did you ever dream of becoming a Nice Guy? (Ladies, was the Prince of your dreams dashing . . . or merely nice?)

Really now-do I overstate my case? Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yourself this question: What is a Christian man? Don't listen to what is said, look at what you find there. There is no doubt about it. You'd have to admit a Christian man is . . . bored. At a recent church retreat I was talking with a guy in his fifties, listening really, about his own journey as a man. "I've pretty much tried for the last twenty years to be a good man as the church defines it." Intrigued, I asked him to say what he thought that was. He paused for a long moment. "Dutiful," he said. "And separated from his heart." A perfect description, I thought. Sadly right on the mark.

Men enjoy relationships in which we are challenged, relationships that require more from us than the church expects. As men we long to protectors, we were made to stand up for truth, justice, righteousness.  The enemy of our souls wants us to believe that our voice is not needed-this is a lie.  The enemy wants us to bellieve that our passion in life is evil-this is a lie.

For a woman to enjoy relationship, she must repent of her need to control and her insistence that people fill her. Fallen Eve demands that people "come through" for her. Redeemed Eve is being met in the depths of her soul by Christ and is free to offer to others, free to desire, and willing to be disappointed. Fallen Eve has been wounded by others and withdraws in order to protect herself from further harm. Redeemed Eve knows that she has something of value to offer; that she is made for relationship. Therefore, being safe and secure in her relationship with her Lord, she can risk being vulnerable with others and offer her true self.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell. (C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves)"

(Wild at Heart, 7-8, The Sacred Romance, 44, Captivating, 181-82)

Not Little Boys Anymore

I have 2 younger brothers who live in New York City. Glen is 19 and Kyle just turned 18 on March 7th. Gosh, I love those boys! Well, I guess they're not so much "boys" anymore, huh?

That doesn't really matter to me because I have the memories of when they were....and those memories will always make me smile:

• When Kyle was learning to read he once pronounced the word "pineapple" as pin-opp-ahlee.
• When Glen was in first grade, his class did a performance of the Macarena.
• While eating a popsicle, Kyle was famous for the amazing slurping sounds he could make...any old Popice sounded like it was the best thing in the world!
• Glen's favorite movie of ALL TIME was The Land Before Time, we watched it over and over and over and....over.
• We had a rabbit (don't ask how we had a rabbit living in Queens, New York City...) and Kyle loved to hide Thumper (that really was the rabbit's name). We'd find him in a wooden box we used to keep potatoes in, we'd find him in drawers and once....we even found him in the dryer (he was okay though!)
• When Glen was learning to talk he couldn't say "sister" so he would call me his 2-year old version of the word, "dita" and he still calls me that...and I love it.
• We used to go to arcades (do those even exist anymore?) on the weekends and they would both use portions of their prize tokens to get little rings, bracelets and what not for my mom and I :-)
• The first meal Glen learned to cook: scrambled eggs in the microwave.
• While doing laundry in the laundromat one time Kyle was intrigued at all the quarters and knew that we needed them for the arcade as well. He looked up at me with huge eyes and a big grin and triumphantly said, "Sister, I'm gonna ask for a million quarters!"'
• We got a dalmatian puppy and were trying to decide what to name him. Kyle suggested, "'Dice, because he looks like dice!", what a creative 4-year old he was! 

These probably don't mean very much to you and that's okay with me.  Just know that to me, these few memories of my brothers are cherished dearly.  It takes quite a bit of effort for me to dig these ones up.  They are buried deep underneath the rubble of the chaos, violence, fear... that the three of us survived together.

And, it's true, Glen and Kyle are not little boys anymore.  Really, they haven't been for a very long time..... They are men and as one of them turned 18 this week he has begun to look at his life and evaluate.  He told me that he had goals for himself, goals that for many 18-year olds would've been quite simple to accomplish (have a driver's license, have a legit job and be nearing high school graduation) but, he hasn't yet.  He has got to figure out how to live a fulfilling life, a life where love matters, a life where it's okay to dream for the future..  He's got to figure these things out without the support system of men to show him what that looks like.

He'll get there....I believe in him, I believe in both of them....I believe in the plan that God has for their lives and for that reason alone I have hope for their futures.

I needed to say that.

Learning of the Pain That Comes With Love

Oh gosh.....I just don't really know where to even begin....

At the bottom of this post is a video of a the song, "I Saw What I Saw" by Sara Groves.  Her lyrics seem to meet my emotions quite perfectly these days.  Once again, I'm reminded of what a wonderful gift music is and am so grateful for skilled writers!

I want to be able to share stories with you about my recent trip to Cambodia.  The problem is, right now, all I can think of  are the stories that are not so fun to tell :-(

I mean, I can still share them with you. And, maybe they will even lead you to greater times of prayer for the people I know and love or maybe they will give you the courage to share some of your own "not so fun to tell" stories.  That would be a good thing, right?

While in Phnom Penh I was able to see many of the people I'd hoped to reconnect with.  There was one big difference in being there this time though.  It was like I was  able to feel all the emotions that were alive around me for the first time.  I think that while I was living there for nearly 6 months I simply let every part of my life become routine and in doing so was able to stop myself from feeling the raw emotions that could have easily accompanied any given day.

Returning to Kids Club at Wat Phnom was so great....for the first ten minutes. Then, I just found myself sitting in the middle (quite literally, they were ALL OVER ME) of a group of 20 kids who I've spent countless hours with.  But, this time I felt pain.  It was painful to watch as my 4 year old friend so easily went up to any stranger and asked for....wel, anything he could get really.  This is how he and his 6 year old sister spend their days-begging for food, money, water.  All of a sudden the reality that this is NOT right came crashing down on top of me as never before.  It was painful to think about what happens each night (drug deals, transvestites selling themselves, currupt police officers adding to the chaos, children wandering aimlessly and unsupervised....oh, the list could go on....) in the very park where we have club each day.  THIS IS WHERE THESE SWEET ONES ARE GROWING UP.  And, it hurt, a lot. 

I visited my friends in Svay Pak, the village where I'd spent every morning, the very same village that was written about in Gary Haugen's book, Terrify No More. From June through October I would arrive each morning with any of my various teamates and we would be blown away at the joy with which we were met!  Our students were eager to learn, the  younger kids were LOUDLY singing whatever the newest Bible song was that they'd been taught the afternoon before and the young women along with the Pastor's wife were all chatting and laughing in the kitchen as they prepared for lunch later that day....always lots of fun! This time though, I was met by my dear friends who are still grieving the loss of their son, Daniel, earlier this year.  The reality of such strong leadership mourning was thick and heavy (as mourning usually is).  One of my brothers there told me about his 30 year old sister-in-law who had just been diagnosed with stomach cancer and sent home to die.  We prayed-he prayed for my eyes and I prayed for his family. This morning I got an email telling me that his sister-in-law, Pov, has gone to be with Jesus. I cried...and will probably cry some more.  

My mind is too tired to keep making sense of the things I felt during my short visit.  Maybe in a few days I'll have the energy for more.....

For now, please join with me in prayer in whatever way you feel led.  Thank you for coming along for the journey...it's certainly not over yet.

And, it certainly does not end in despair.  My God is a Redeemer and He is already redeeming in Cambodia.  I will continue to look for the hope in each story. And I also promise that I won't be afraid to share some of pain as well....I believe that He allows us to feel the pain so that we will be able to experience joy in all of its fullness. 


Yes, Lord, I will live with the pain for a time because I KNOW the joy of Your glory in every circumstance is more than worth it!

Children Learn What They Live

I am re-reading this book called Too Small To Ignore written by Wes Stafford who is currently the president of Compassion International. The book tells his story of growing up in a small village in West Africa with his missionary parents. He writes about the differences between his own simple, modest yet so enjoyable childhood experience and the fast paced, technology filled childhood experiences of many of today's children in the Western world.

In his book he includes this poem which I have heard many times before, not for a while though.  As I read it my heart grew hopeful, excited and filled with a sense of urgency to ensure that children are being taught the good things of this life. They truly are our future and it is the responsibility of this generation to help the next learn to dream, hope, care, respect, value each other....

I think that one of the reasons I am quite passionate about this right now is that very recently I was reminded of just how harsh life can become for children who do not learn the good things and live in the bad.

During the past 4 weeks I have had the opportunity to compare and contrast the differences in the lives of 7 young men who are between the ages of 15-18.

I watched 5 of them choose to make choices to better their lives and the lives of those around them. These young men have been taught tolerance, praise and acceptance (to name a few) and it is evident in the way they live out their lives. They chose over and over again to; let go of harmful habits, surrender ideas and ways of living that are based on lies, repent and ask forgiveness from God and others and, ultimately, they chose to give their lives wholeheartedly to Jesus, seeking His guidance, His affirmation, His plan for their lives day by day.

I also watched as the lives of 2 others have only continued to spiral in an out of control downward pattern. These young men have not been taught the good things in life. They have been taught criticism, shame and hostility. As a result, they live lives of violence and hatred. They believe every lie the enemy has ever thrown their way. They are hopeless. They seek the wisdom of money and they find safety and affirmation in gangs and guns. I believe that it could've been different for them if they had been taught the good things as children.
I also believe that this is not the end, they can learn new things. it won't be as easy as it would've been when they were 5, but it can be done. It will take great strength and courage and that is exactly what I pray for them.

So, that's what's on my heart right now....

"If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live."
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Excited...? written May 25, 2006

As I re-read this I can say that it is how I'm feeling currently about moving forward with the next step that has been placed in front of me. I'm not quite excited about Swaziland...yet. And I think that's okay for now, after all, I'm not leaving in 5 days!

"If you know me in the least bit, you know that I am going to Ukraine and I leave on May 30! Yes, there is an exclamation point at the end of that sentence and that perplexes me.
I went to coffee (actually I had a smoothie and my friend had tea, so I guess we went for drinks) with a friend last night. We are both going to Ukraine and have been intensely preparing with our team for the past six months. He asked me if I was excited and I could have given him the expected response of, "oh my gosh, you have no idea!"....but that would have been lying and i value honesty.
So, I thought about it for a few seconds and said, "I guess so." not so convincing right? Why is that? Why am I not completely excited? I mean this has been something I have wanted to do, dreamed of doing for almost five years now and it's actually happening on Tuesday. I should be ecstatic, jumping for joy, unable to sleep from anticipation!!!
I'm not.
And I think I have an idea as to why. Going to Ukraine to spend an entire month with orphans is something that I let myself hope immensely for....the first time. I hoped with some sense of expectation the second time. The third time I hoped again and then told myself that I was just not meant to go to Ukraine and subsequently allowed a million rationalites as to why (otherwise known as lies) fill my mind and take root.
This time, I was more determined than ever not to hope at all. Alas, I have come to know that I am not remotely as determined as Jesus is. In the midst of finances coming in from a multitude of people known as Anonymous and as I oh so s-l-o-w-l-y allowed myself to begin to care about my team (and sometimes let them care about me) hope, ever so subtly, began to grow in my heart.
Now here I am, five days left and I am not excited. This is because right now Ukraine is still a hope. Hopes have potential to be let down.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am anticipating this trip, I have been praying for the kids for months (maybe even years), I have enjoyed thinking up plans for the best birthday party ever and I don't think there is a single conversation I have that does not involve the word Ukraine at least once!
I think that as I fulfill steps in this process that I have never fulfilled before (i.e-packing my bag, having the entire trip paid for, knowing that there is a plane ticket with my name on it) excitement builds......I just force myself to contain it...........UNTIL WE ARE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! then everyone will know I'm excited :)"