I'm so glad to be able to tell you that since this was written, about two and a half years ago, I have chosen to accept Jesus' invitation to go on some of the more perilous looking journeys with Him. I've discovered that He really does join us on each journey He invites us to go on, never does He leave us there on our own. Sometimes, He is very quiet, only observing as we step out in trust that He is there and that He is watching over us. In those moments I've found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure He's still there and although I've been tempted to turn back the way I came, I've been able, through the strength I have from knowing He's with me, to continue moving forward.....and still, today, I choose to move forward.....
"Let your heart be filled with a deep conviction of what you lack, a desire for what God offers, and a willingness to sacrifice everything for it." ~Andrew Murray
"Why are you in Kansas City?" This is the question that has been playing in my mind over and over for the past week. It's odd because it's not an unanswered question. I know (almost for certain...) why I'm here. The answer I gave to the question is what has been pestering me.
During the past seven months or so the Lord has been presenting me with countless invitations to go on journeys with Him. He's really very good about asking and not just taking me along for the ride.
I have chosen to go on some of His excursions-the ones that boast pictures of peaceful, joyful and non-chaotic scenery. I have begun to travel to the place of freedom from the need to be superwoman for my family. I have cautiously stepped into the open fields (scary territory for a city girl!) of enjoying the life Jesus has so graciously blessed me with. I enjoy these journeys so much and am grateful for the chance to begin them!
There have been other invites though. I've been allowed to opt out of some of the more treterous looking trails Jesus chooses- the ones whose backdrops consist of cold, deep, dark caves and often torrential downpours. These walks will be filled with questions, frustrations and....(dare I even write it!) painful tears. These are the 'adventures' that will ultimately and eventually lead me to greater fullness of love, hope, joy....all the things I know I am lacking in because Jesus has very pointedly shown me (through Ukrainian children, through conversations I've had with friends about four letter words such as 'home', through Christmas trees, through....well the list goes on and on) that they were stolen from me at vital times during my life. I have a growing desire for the Lord to restore them as I know only He can.
Am I willing to sacrifice the pseudo-reality I've made for myself, the one that lets me believe that nothing about my past effects who I am today, the make-believe story I've written that states, "and the little girl forced herself to dissappear, never to be heard from again. The end."?
I don't know.........I really don't know if I'm ready to let go of those things yet. After all, surrender does mean not being able to do something on your own....kind of like a little girl (who was supposed to have dissappeared) asking for help....
But, "why am I in Kansas City?" To go on journeys with the Lord so He can fill me with lasting joy, hope, love...so that I can go and give, give, give to the orphans of this world without having to worry about coming up empty one day because I will have gone out into the fields and experienced the vastness of what He gives....and I will have gone into the caves and will KNOW the depth of all He gives.
Still, those caves and that rain....pretty scary....
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