Learning of the Pain That Comes With Love

Oh gosh.....I just don't really know where to even begin....

At the bottom of this post is a video of a the song, "I Saw What I Saw" by Sara Groves.  Her lyrics seem to meet my emotions quite perfectly these days.  Once again, I'm reminded of what a wonderful gift music is and am so grateful for skilled writers!

I want to be able to share stories with you about my recent trip to Cambodia.  The problem is, right now, all I can think of  are the stories that are not so fun to tell :-(

I mean, I can still share them with you. And, maybe they will even lead you to greater times of prayer for the people I know and love or maybe they will give you the courage to share some of your own "not so fun to tell" stories.  That would be a good thing, right?

While in Phnom Penh I was able to see many of the people I'd hoped to reconnect with.  There was one big difference in being there this time though.  It was like I was  able to feel all the emotions that were alive around me for the first time.  I think that while I was living there for nearly 6 months I simply let every part of my life become routine and in doing so was able to stop myself from feeling the raw emotions that could have easily accompanied any given day.

Returning to Kids Club at Wat Phnom was so great....for the first ten minutes. Then, I just found myself sitting in the middle (quite literally, they were ALL OVER ME) of a group of 20 kids who I've spent countless hours with.  But, this time I felt pain.  It was painful to watch as my 4 year old friend so easily went up to any stranger and asked for....wel, anything he could get really.  This is how he and his 6 year old sister spend their days-begging for food, money, water.  All of a sudden the reality that this is NOT right came crashing down on top of me as never before.  It was painful to think about what happens each night (drug deals, transvestites selling themselves, currupt police officers adding to the chaos, children wandering aimlessly and unsupervised....oh, the list could go on....) in the very park where we have club each day.  THIS IS WHERE THESE SWEET ONES ARE GROWING UP.  And, it hurt, a lot. 

I visited my friends in Svay Pak, the village where I'd spent every morning, the very same village that was written about in Gary Haugen's book, Terrify No More. From June through October I would arrive each morning with any of my various teamates and we would be blown away at the joy with which we were met!  Our students were eager to learn, the  younger kids were LOUDLY singing whatever the newest Bible song was that they'd been taught the afternoon before and the young women along with the Pastor's wife were all chatting and laughing in the kitchen as they prepared for lunch later that day....always lots of fun! This time though, I was met by my dear friends who are still grieving the loss of their son, Daniel, earlier this year.  The reality of such strong leadership mourning was thick and heavy (as mourning usually is).  One of my brothers there told me about his 30 year old sister-in-law who had just been diagnosed with stomach cancer and sent home to die.  We prayed-he prayed for my eyes and I prayed for his family. This morning I got an email telling me that his sister-in-law, Pov, has gone to be with Jesus. I cried...and will probably cry some more.  

My mind is too tired to keep making sense of the things I felt during my short visit.  Maybe in a few days I'll have the energy for more.....

For now, please join with me in prayer in whatever way you feel led.  Thank you for coming along for the journey...it's certainly not over yet.

And, it certainly does not end in despair.  My God is a Redeemer and He is already redeeming in Cambodia.  I will continue to look for the hope in each story. And I also promise that I won't be afraid to share some of pain as well....I believe that He allows us to feel the pain so that we will be able to experience joy in all of its fullness. 


Yes, Lord, I will live with the pain for a time because I KNOW the joy of Your glory in every circumstance is more than worth it!

Sunsets-Written Aug. 29, 2006

Sorry everyone, but with limited Internet access it is really hard to find time to post things (or to write new things!)

I had just moved in with my good friend Amanda and had also just begun my first week of teaching at a Christian preschool. Ukraine was still very fresh in my heart and mind. This was the beginning of my life as an official adult-the first year that my life was not dictated by a schedule of classes to attend and assignments to be completed. I made sure to find time to enjoy as many sunsets as possible that year!

"I am sitting at the computer right next to the amazing floor to ceiling window in Amanda's (err, our) apartment. It's 7:40pm and I am watching the most beautiful sunset I have seen in a while. Recently I have dragged a few of my good friends on what I've begun to call 'sunset chases' because nobody seems to know where to find a good view in Kansas City. In fact, a few weeks ago a friend and I were determined to watch an amazing summer sunset, we drove and drove...and drove only to come upon a small clearing that completely devestated me. I had just assumed that there would be a body of water to watch this sunset over but, now I live in the middle of the country and there are no such luxuries. Sunset chasing is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do, especially when it's followed by conversations that last into the night.
I love (yes, love) sunsets. Right now I am looking at the most beautiful hues of pink, purple, orange and red that I can imagine....until the next brilliant sunset that is! Tonight is exceptionally great because there are lots of clouds around to turn deep greyish-purple in the middle and be surrounded by edges of light orange. They are never the same, God always paints a brand new sunset every evening. Sunsets represent hope for me. I know, that is kind of a unique perspective (or, maybe it's not, maybe you think the same way). I really find joy in the feeling of a day completed, tasks accomplished or not accomplished. I find hope in knowing that tomorrow holds brand new opportunities. This day could have been completely wonderful or it could have been dreadfully horrible, but it's over leaving me time to either delight in the amazingness that occured or to let go of all that went wrong and hope in tomorrow. And, hey, there might not be a tomorrow and that's fine too because then there's eternity :)
While in Ukraine my favorite time of day at the orphanage was during sunset. Most of my team would be in the field playing volleyball or soccer and I would sit on the logs and watch the sun sink behind the trees. Everything felt so peaceful when that glow of evening was settled over the building and I knew that Jesus was with my kids as they prepared to go to sleep I was able to hope for my kids that tomorrow would be better, maybe that tomorrow would be one of the best days of their lives.......and now, as the sun has dissappeared, I know that they will be waking up soon and I hope that it will be better than yesterday..........
Above all, sunsets happen during the evening and I don't have to force myself out of bed at some God-forsaken hour to see them!!!!!

Sunset in Ukraine after rain

Sunset downtown Kansas City

Sunset from Amanda's back deck in midtown

Simple Joy-Written July 8, 2006

I wrote this just after returning from Ukraine the first time. I had just spent a month living in an orphanage where God taught me so much about myself and Himself. I arrived back in Kansas City with single digits in the bank, no place to live but, I did have a teaching job lined up to begin in late August. It was a summer full of God's provision.

"I feel really good right now. I've been back from Ukraine for a little over a week and it has proven to be a very difficult week indeed. I find myself constantly missing 'my kids' while at the same time trying to transition back into my life here. Jesus brought up some pretty intense heart issues during my time in Ukraine. As I stepped off of the plane that landed in Kansas City I felt an overwhelming sense of 'orphan-ness' that just won't seem to go away....
For the past six weeks and for the next five weeks I have been and will be living out of suitcases and backpacks in borrowed houses. I have no family in Kansas City and family in New York.....well, that's another story! My close friends whom I've known for a majority of my life are all scattered making it very difficult to communicate. My credit card is almost maxed out and my bank account is nearly non-existant. Lately I feel quite alone and misunderstood.
Why is this blog called "Simple Joy" you might be asking. I'll tell you....
On this lazy Saturday afternoon in July I find myself sitting in the middle of the Bailey's (some of the most amazing friends in the world) hammock with a bowl of cookies-n-cream ice cream and for a few blissful moments the only thing I thought about was how perfect life was right then! I did not think about all of my emotions that have been a constant tornado in my mind, I did not think about where I am going to live when I run out of friend's couches to crash on, I did not think about everything financial that looms in my future.........I sat on that hammock with their cat Bud(I could do without him being around) next to me and laughed at the simple joy of being able to enjoy some ice cream and a nice breeze!
Thank You Jesus, You enjoy blessing me with such moments of pure, childlike joy! May I never be so overwhelmed with the cares of this world that I miss one of these gifts!
Where do you find simple joy?"