Out of my hands

Tonight as I type this I am trying so very hard to cling to sanity....


I had it all planned out. I would come back to the States for 2 months to raise awareness about the Boys Center in Cambodia and to let people here know that I would be going back there for an indefinite amount of time to help get the Center up and running.  Then I was presented with the choice to stay in the States and take of care of my own eyesight or ignore it and go back to Cambodia.  I heard the Lord tell me where He wanted me for now.  Then I thought I'd go back to Cambodia for 2 weeks on the end of my round trip ticket and buy a one way back to the States.  Now, the numbers of a ticket price are higher than the numbers in my bank account.  So again I'm asking Him what He has for me in this....


I do know that He does have a way for me to still be connected to the thing that was drawing me back to Cambodia in the first place and for this I'm so grateful.....
The Boys Center is something that I am passionate about maybe even beyond what words can tell you.  After living in Phnom Penh for almost six months and establishing relationships with over 30 kids who have been coming to Kids Club that I, along with Khmer and other westerners, lead each afternoon,


I have seen the faces, learned the names, heard the stories, visited the homes and shared meals with a group of people who have found their way into my heart like no others.  At the core of this group of people are some boys who have a need and Jesus has asked me to partner with Him so it can be met.


The numbers tell us that 1 out of every 6 boys, worldwide, is sexually molested before the age of 16.  In Cambodia, where human trafficking is not just a cause to be talked about but, a reality that happens to people with faces to be seen and stories to be told, young boys are being sold into lives of torture.  Jesus is not okay with this and neither am I.  A 24/7 Boys Center will be started in Phnom Penh-a place where can receive nutritious meals, learn life skills that will afford them wonderful job opportunities and, as time goes on, they will learn that they are safe and will be able to begin not only a process of healing but the process of redemption over their lives.....


I could type all day about the dreams I have for this place....And, maybe sometime soon I'll do just that.


But, for now, I'm trying to keep my eyes on Him.  As the things I thought were certain to happen are being shifted more and more each day (especially during the past 2 weeks) I want to be able to continue to trust Him.


Instead of magnifying the problems in Cambodia I want my life to magnify Him and His dreams for their future.


Rather than exalting the schemes and deceptions of darkness in the lives of the Khmer people I want my life to exalt His glory in their country and the ways He miraculously provides for their every need.


As it seems like my plans have changed (and are still changing) I will remind myself that He never changes.  His plan has always been for me to be right here, right now, typing this sentence.


When I don't understand things happening around me I often turn to music.  The words and emotions that others have experienced remind me that I am not alone, that it is okay to not know and most of all that it is good to be honest because that is how others are encouraged to honesy.


Maybe this song will encourage you today, maybe something you've just read will encourage you and maybe you'll be able to encourage someone else by sharing with them....

An Ache for Cambodia that Leads to Something More....

I know, it's the beginning of a new year and instead of writing about a resolution or the expectation of all the amazing things God has in store for me I'm writing about aches. 

But, just give this post a chance because I think it will end up being a realization of something much grander than just the pain of the moment that it is inspired by....

Since I've been back from Cambodia for the past 2 months some intense things have taken place there in the lives of those I know and love.  My friends and brothers, Panha and Veasna, had their Dad's tuk-tuk stolen less than a week after I'd arrived in Kansas City. I found myself shocked at the news-this happens to other people but, not ones I know!  There was a sick feeling in my stomach all day. The only thing that I thought could console me would be to be there with them, to be able to speak words of comfort, to be able to sit in silence with them as we all wonder about what this will mean for their family. But that wasn't His perfect plan, it was my teeny, tiny idea of what I could do.

His plan was SO MUCH BIGGER. I sent out an email telling friends of what had happened. An email with very little expectation of any real response. The response was overwhelming and two days later I found myself in a bank wiring over $1,500 to my friends so that their family could purchase a new tuk-tuk! And, it doesn't stop there; not only did they get an awesome tuk-tuk but, their Dad who was the only member of their  immediate family to still be a Buddhist, gave his life to Jesus after seeing the power of God's Kingdom to truly change things!

A few weeks later my friend Coen, who has been to Cambodia with me, and I were standing in our Pastor's office reading a news article on CNN about a tragic stampede that took place just hours before during the annual Water Festival in Cambodia.  The report stated that over 300 were dead.  Again, shock filled me followed by fear and even worry-were all of my friends alright? What had caused this? How were people responding? There were so many questions. I began frantically sending text messages to everyone in Cambodia whose phone number I had and, even though it was the middle of the night there, I got speedy replies.  Yes, everyone I knew was indeed safe.  However, some of their family members were not.  Many people I know personally were affected by the stampede through the loss of loved ones. I found myself mourning with people I love, weeping over their pain and at a loss for words as I thought about the spiritual darkness that hovered over a country so lost and desperate for hope. As I took communion that next Sunday I wept and wept over the goodness of our God.  I wept because for the first time I truly understood what it meant that His life was a worthy sacrifice for my sins.  Cambodia is a 95% Buddhist country and following the stampede people were putting out literal material things as sacrifices to appease the spirits in hopes of holding any other catastrophe at bay.  Their sacrifices are empty and worthless....I wept over a country so blinded by deception.

Yesterday as church was ending I received a text message from a colleague in Cambodia informing me that our dear friend lost her baby after he only lived for a day and a half. This is never news that can be taken in easily. This time though, it brought me to almost immediate tears.  My dear friends, Pastor Chantha and his wife Bunthan, live in Svay Pak. They pastor a church that is found in a building that used to be a notorious brothel where young children were sold for sex nightly.  They also mentor and care for 26 young adults who have chosen to follow Jesus despite the attempts of Satan to steal each of their lives through gangs, lucrative money making opportunities as pimps, horrid abuse and many other awful tricks. And (yes, this church is truly a light in one of the darkest places!) they even run a free medical clinic two days a week, have a school and offer English classes to the community.

These dear warriors in the Kingdom of heaven lost their second son yesterday.  My heart aches with grief for their loss.  But, there was also something fierce that rose up in me. A cry declaring that the enemy DOES NOT have any victory in this situation!  I will alert Satan as long as it takes for him to know that this will not be a foothold for him in that community. The faith of my brothers and sisters may be shaken for a moment but God will prevail, His faithfulness will outweigh any question or doubt!

So, yes, my heart aches today. My heart aches again for people I love in Cambodia, brothers and sisters who have changed my life with the way they worship our King, with their kindness, with their love.  A year ago I had not idea how my life would be changed because of some Khmer people who would quickly work their way into my heart.  And, today I find myself so grateful.  Even grateful for the ache.  The ache leads me to a place of intercession that has been dormant for quite a while.  The ache causes me to recall His faithfulness in my own life so that i can continue to claim it over Cambodia.....over those I've grown to love.

Motos, Marshmallows and So Much More :-)

        As September comes to a close I’m missing the change of seasons that I love so much!  Here in Phnom Penh, there’s absolutely no change, the days are still in the 90’s with lots of humidity.  If you live in part of the U.S. that is blessed with autumn please enjoy for me too!  This has been my fourth month in Cambodia and I really feel like it has simply been living life.  The things of daily life here have become normal for me and for that I’m glad.  For example, of course we’re going to eat rice and pork in the tuk-tuk for breakfast and, without any hesitation, our tuk-tuk will make 3 U-turns on the same road as he gets lost looking for a specific store, oh, and (my favorite) there will be a very loud, very crowded wedding right outside our house on a random Thursday morning beginning at 5:30 that won’t end until 10pm Friday.  All just part of normal life in Cambodia J

            The past month has been full of Jesus helping me to overcome fears of all kinds!  For example, after riding a moto once during the day time at a speed of about 2mph I was fairly convinced that I didn’t want to do that again.  One night I was out with some Khmer friends, we’d walked from my house to where we were eating and as it was time to go home Panha (who knew exactly how I felt about motos!) told me I was going to ride on his moto to get home! It was nighttime, I was unprepared and he did not drive slowly at all!  Needless to say, I prayed, held on and made it home! 

             Another fear arose as I was asked to give my testimony in Svay Pak. As I told my story to Veasna a few days before we were to speak in Svay Pak I found myself feeling peaceful and I was speaking with a sense of authority that could have only come from my King.  I know the stories of the people of Svay Pak very well because they are so parallel to my own life and as I stood in front of 50 people, holding a microphone and speaking of the goodness of God in my own life I knew that the Holy Spirit was up to something.  It is a rare thing for an American to share a story like mine, a story that lets the people here know that they are not alone, that America is not a utopia and that God has plans to give all people hope and a future!

            During the past month Jesus has been reminding me of how well He knows me and that He longs to see my heart full of joy.  I got to visit two Christian orphanages!  Now, you might be wondering how I find life and joy at an orphanage….On a daily basis I work with kids who do not know the reality of being loved.  They do not spend their days being carefree as children should, they don’t have dreams for their futures and their lives are built on fear, insecurity and a mind bent on survival.  Spending time at an orphanage where children are loved, can recognize love, know the difference that love has made in their lives and where they play games with each other, care for one another and worship Jesus together has truly been a breath of fresh air for my heart!

            I have also been honored to do some amazing things with the students in my English class.  We had a party because it is the end of their break from school and they will begin going to classes again in October as well as continuing to study English.  During the party we ate Oreos (they cost twice as much here as they do in the States and are a treat that Khmer people don’t normally get to enjoy), spoke lots of English and played a version of Chubby Bunny where we put marshmallows in our mouths and tried to say the word “marshmallow”, they had a such a good time!  

             Also, I went with Veasna to buy English-Khmer dictionaries for each of our students. He helped me pick out the best version that would be most helpful for them.  When we gave them out the students were so grateful! Veasna had to show them how to use them and once they understood there was so much excitement in the room, you could feel it!

            I want to thank each of you because the things you’ve just read about would not be possible without your encouragement, prayers and financial giving.  I am honored to be part of what is happening in this country and do not take a single day here for granted.

            I hope that you enjoy reading these updates as much as I enjoy writing them!  Each time I finish writing one I’m filled with a renewed sense of anticipation about what He has in store for my life, your lives and the lives of the people of Cambodia!

The Fun Things I Get to do in Cambodia!

Another month in Cambodia has gone by!  Some days it feels as if time is going very slowly and other days, like today, it seems as if time just flies by.  This past month has been one of gaining solid ground, building new friendships and saying goodbye to 4 wonderful people who have lived with me for 8 out of the 11 weeks I’ve been here.  I have been posting photos on my Facebook page as I can.  Please be aware that I cannot post many pictures of the children I’m working with since they are highly at risk of being exploited or trafficked.

            Daily life for me in Cambodia is busy and plenty rewarding!  Each day I am accompanied by 2 of the H.P.C. interns and our 2 translators all day as we partner with what God is doing in this city.  I need to tell you about our translators.  They are brothers, Panha and Veasna, they have just finished high school and have also just signed contracts to work full time with the H.P.C. Veasna is 18, Panha 17, they have lived in the city their entire lives with 2 younger brothers and both parents.  They grew up Buddhist in belief but not holding to many of the traditional practices.  Their family believes in all kinds of traditional Khmer and Buddhist rituals for luck, health, prosperity, etc.  Veasna was the first in his family to accept the truth of the Gospel, Panha followed and now they are praying for their father, the last member of the family who has yet to see the Truth.  These boys have a passion and zeal for the Lord and for the broken people of their country that is extremely rare in anyone here let alone young men.  Pray that He would continue to reveal more of His heart for His people to these brothers of mine so that they may step even more fully into the Kingdom destinies He has for them!

My mornings are spent teaching English in Svay Pak.  I have grown to really enjoy and love my students.  I have been so blessed to be able to keep the same group of 8 students that I have had since June when the team from Metro was here and 4 more students were added to my class in July.  My class is made up of students between the ages of 14-21 which allows us to have some great conversations and to really get to know one another.  This month, Veasna, (who, by this point, has become a very good friend as well), is teaching with me each day. Having him in the classroom is really helps all of us!  Please pray that Veasna and I would continue to find opportunities to share Jesus with these students, that I would be able to come up with new and creative ideas to teach this curriculum that is geared for European students to my Khmer students and pray for blessings upon Rahab’s House as they have opened up their doors to allow these classes to be held there.  

Each afternoon I go to Wat Phnom (one of the biggest Buddhist temples in Phnom Penh) and we do Kids club there in the afternoons. Things at Wat Phnom are really beginning to shape up well!  During the past 3 weeks we have been doing Kids Club (a Bible story/skit, craft, games, songs and snack) 3 days per week leaving the other 2 days as time to continue to build relationships through simply hanging out with the people there.  As we told the story of creation God sent tangible reminders that He is with us-the elephant and the monkeys who reside at the Wat all started coming towards the pavilion where we hold our meetings right as we talked about God creating the animals!  There is also a hospital near the Wat.  This hospital is free for needy families and as a result many will travel from the provinces outside the city to receive treatment.  This gives us many opportunities to pray for little ones and their families.

            Last Friday was the most fun Kids Club meeting yet! We all dressed up as superheroes to demonstrate that Jesus is far more powerful than any of us, the kids had a blast and then were thrilled when we gave them each a coloring book we’d made and some crayons to keep. We also had marshmallows for snack that day which is a huge treat (we usually bring fruit in hopes of helping keep the kids as nourished as possible).

            We could use prayer in the area of creativity and energy.  We must be creative as we figure out what kinds of resources we can find to work with here.  Doing Kids Club in a public area limits the parameters we can set as far as controlling the environment so please for wisdom as we deal with the children as well as all the other onlookers.  Kids Club takes place from 3-4:30 and the team plans from 1-2:30….we can all use some supernatural energy and strength during these hot afternoons!

             During July I had the honor of visiting a few brick factories not far from Svay Pak.  I was able to join with a team from California who were working with the church in Svay Pak (the church is called Rahab’s House) giving out rice, shoes and oral hygiene products. There are many of these factories all around Phnom Penh.  They are mostly staffed by women and their children.  These people work in sweltering heat then go into a room where the bricks are baked.  The room has no ventilation system and reaches temperatures well above 100 degrees.  Due to the poor ventilation many are diagnosed with pneumonia and eventually die. They work long days for less than $1/hour.  Many Khmer people don’t understand the concept of being compelled to give because of love; they think we are only giving so that we can receive good Karma in return.  As a result, we spend lots of time in prayer before and after we go out to the factories.  Please pray with us that the Truth would shine through us…..

            There are so many stories I could tell, I might just have to write a book someday J

            Thank you, friends, for taking the time to read this, for your prayers, for your encouragement through emails and Facebook….thank you! I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me.....

Friday the 13th in Cambodia ;-)

Friday the 13th in Cambodia was a good day:

-7am-maintenance workers banging on our door so they can tear apart our bathroom to fix a leak/flood (at least we're all wide awake now)

 -7:45am-walk outside to find that the construction workers who tore up our sidewalk last week are now laying wet cement in a 4 foot span directly in front of our front door (to see last weeks' adventure look at my In Cambodia Photos album)
-10am-during English class I taught my friend, Veasna, the word "hoodie" (because he wears them all the time) and at one point there were 4 languages being spoken at once: Khmer, English, Vietanamese and Spanish
-11:30am-lunch with Veasna and Panha at KFC (very fun-drank green soda, attempted to eat cheese wedges-not so good...)
-12:30-2:30pm-at our apartment (along with all the maintanence guys) making costumes for Kids Club
-3:30pm-we're all dressed up like superheroes (I'm Superman with a blue cape/poncho and can fly!) to tell the kids about how powerful Jesus is!
-5:00pm-I'm reminded about how much value I place on going to church....and how much I miss church
-5:30pm-I'm right!!! It DID rain!!! (supposedly, only Khmer people can tell when it is REALLY going to rain, but tonight, I was right),
-6:00pm-great salad for dinner with Shannon
-7:30pm-an unexpected phone conversation with one of the students in my English class
-9:00pm-very encouraged about Svay Pak from reading Coen's note about it (shared it with Shannon and we both started laughing about the joy we are honored to experience in that place every day). It was a good day :-)

Just wanted to share with everyone some of the fun times I'm having here!

Thanks everyone for your prayers and constant encouragement, it means so much to me!!

Lots of Newness

            Another month in Cambodia has gone by!  Some days it feels as if time is going very slowly and other days, like today, it seems as if time just flies by.  This past month has been one of gaining solid ground, building new friendships and saying goodbye to 4 wonderful people who have lived with me for 8 out of the 11 weeks I’ve been here.  I have been posting photos on my Facebook page as I can.  Please be aware that I cannot post many pictures of the children I’m working with since they are highly at risk.  If you’d like to see photos, even if you don’t have a Facebook account, you can see my In Cambodia Photos. 

            Daily life for me in Cambodia is busy and plenty rewarding!  Each day I am accompanied by 2 of the H.P.C. interns and our 2 translators all day as we partner with what God is doing in this city.  I need to tell you about our translators.  They are brothers, Panha and Veasna, they have just finished high school and have also just signed contracts to work full time with the H.P.C.  Veasna is 18, Panha 17, they have lived in the city their entire lives with 2 younger brothers and both parents.  They grew up Buddhist in belief but not holding to many of the traditional practices.  Their family believes in all kinds of traditional Khmer and Buddhist rituals for luck, health, prosperity, etc.  Veasna was the first in his family to accept the truth of the Gospel, Panha followed and now they are praying for their father, the last member of the family who has yet to see the Truth.  These boys have a passion and zeal for the Lord and for the broken people of their country that is extremely rare in anyone here let alone young men.  Pray that He would continue to reveal more of His heart for His people to these brothers of mine so that they may step even more fully into the Kingdom destinies He has for them!

My mornings are spent teaching English in Svay Pak.  I have grown to really enjoy and love my students.  I have been so blessed to be able to keep the same group of 8 students that I have had since June when the team from Metro was here and 4 more students were added to my class in July.  My class is made up of students between the ages of 14-21 which allows us to have some great conversations and to really get to know one another.  This month, Veasna, (who, by this point, has become a very good friend as well), is teaching with me each day.  Having him in the classroom is really helps all of us!  Please pray that Veasna and I would continue to find opportunities to share Jesus with these students, that I would be able to come up with new and creative ideas to teach this curriculum that is geared for European students to my Khmer students and pray for blessings upon Rahab’s House as they have opened up their doors to allow these classes to be held there.  

Each afternoon I go to Wat Phnom (one of the biggest Buddhist temples in Phnom Penh) and we do Kids club there in the afternoons. Things at Wat Phnom are really beginning to shape up well!  During the past 3 weeks we have been doing Kids Club (a Bible story/skit, craft, games, songs and snack) 3 days per week leaving the other 2 days as time to continue to build relationships through simply hanging out with the people there.  As we told the story of creation God sent tangible reminders that He is with us-the elephant and the monkeys who reside at the Wat all started coming towards the pavilion where we hold our meetings right as we talked about God creating the animals!  There is also a hospital near the Wat.  This hospital is free for needy families and as a result many will travel from the provinces outside the city to receive treatment.  This gives us many opportunities to pray for little ones and their families.

            Last Friday was the most fun Kids Club meeting yet! We all dressed up as superheroes to demonstrate that Jesus is far more powerful than any of us, the kids had a blast and then were thrilled when we gave them each a coloring book we’d made and some crayons to keep. We also had marshmallows for snack that day which is a huge treat (we usually bring fruit in hopes of helping keep the kids as nourished as possible).

            We could use prayer in the area of creativity and energy.  We must be creative as we figure out what kinds of resources we can find to work with here.  Doing Kids Club in a public area limits the parameters we can set as far as controlling the environment so please for wisdom as we deal with the children as well as all the other onlookers.  Kids Club takes place from 3-4:30 and the team plans from 1-2:30….we can all use some supernatural energy and strength during these hot afternoons!

             During July I had the honor of visiting a few brick factories not far from Svay Pak.  I was able to join with a team from California who were working with the church in Svay Pak (the church is called Rahab’s House) giving out rice, shoes and oral hygiene products.  There are many of these factories all around Phnom Penh.  They are mostly staffed by women and their children.  These people work in sweltering heat then go into a room where the bricks are baked.  The room has no ventilation system and reaches temperatures well above 100 degrees.  Due to the poor ventilation many are diagnosed with pneumonia and eventually die.  They work long days for less than $1/hour.  Many Khmer people don’t understand the concept of being compelled to give because of love; they think we are only giving so that we can receive good Karma in return.  As a result, we spend lots of time in prayer before and after we go out to the factories.  Please pray with us that the Truth would shine through us…..

            There are so many stories I could tell, I might just have to write a book someday J

            I am so grateful and humbled by all who are praying for me and those who give financially. 

            Thank you, friends, for taking the time to read this, for your prayers, for your encouragement through emails and Facebook….thank you!

July in Cambodia

            I have been in Cambodia for almost 6 weeks now and I am really enjoying what He has planned for me here as well as learning so much about so many things.

            HA! That was a very vague sentence, huh?

            Okay, the first month was spent leading an absolutely outstanding team of 4 from my church in Kansas City.  We taught English for 3 weeks in a village called Svay Pak.  This is a village that has been and still is very notorious for taking part in the selling of very young children for sex.  Giving these kids as well as the pimps and brothel owners the skill of speaking English has the potential to transform their lives.  When the people are empowered with English a huge number of employment opportunities become available to them.  Many of the people involved in trafficking in Svay Pak are involved because of pure poverty.  Speaking English affords them the chance to choose a better means of employment.

            Svay Pak is about a 50 minute ride by tuk-tuk from where I live in Phnom Penh and it is where I will be spending my mornings for the next month.  My team did such a great job with English classes that we have decided to continue them!  The classes are taught in a 6 story building that was intended to be a nightclub and brothel.  But, God’s name WILL be glorified in the dark places of this world…a partner ministry that HPC works with here purchased the building and it is now home to a thriving church!

This church is simply amazing…it reminds me so much of the church I came to know Jesus in.  The doors are almost always open, there is a clinic two afternoons a week, a kindergarten program, Kids Club (similar to VBS) takes place for 2 hours TWICE A DAY, an official school will be opening this fall…and now, English classes as well!  The Pastor and his wife have taken in many of the teens who have decided to follow Jesus and they call them “disciples”.  These teens and young adults (about 20 of them) spend most ot their day at the church doing anything that needs doing and studying the Bible together.

            My afternoons will be spent in Phnom Penh helping to start a ground-breaking ministry.  I will be part of a team that will organize Kids Club in an area that has never been exposed to such a thing before.  It is an area within the city where young boys (as young as 8) and teenage girls sell themselves not only to tourists but to locals as well.  I am so excited about this opportunity.  I cannot wait to see what Jesus has planned for this ministry.

            Please pray for strength and energy…the heat of the days here really drains one’s energy quickly, especially as we’ll be doing our afternoon ministry outside.  Pray that angels would go before me in every step I take.  Pray for hearts and minds to be softened even as you read this.

          

            Thank you all so much for any support you give be it prayer or financial.  I have my budget pretty well figured out on a monthly basis.

            Rent/Utilities-$200

            Phone/Internet-$40

            Transportaion-$300

            Food-$150

            Language-$240

            Misc.-$70

            Total-$1,000

Currently I have $450/month pledged.  If you would like to know how you can give financially, please contact me :-) 

Thank you all so much for your participation in what is going on in Cambodia.

From Cambodia!

I can't believe that I am sitting in a coffee shop in Cambodia typing this, isn't that crazy??

So much has gone on during the past 2 and a half weeks since the team and I got here that I don't know where to begin....

Arrival was a bit rough since one of the boys on my team lost his passport en route from America to Taiwan.  Talk about being thrown in the deep end, no small introduction to leading overseas here!!

God's grace has been THE thing that keeps me going thus far.....

I have been homesick.  I never really understood that word before, I always kind of thought that people just used it to mean that they really missed people.  Now, I think I understand it a bit more.  I've never left a place and missed the people there...until now.  It was not easy especially for a few days last week.

I'm so busy thinking about the team that I find it hard to focus on what's going in me.  Once a week I let myself stop being a leader (when I say once a week I mean for about 3 hours) and attempt to process some of my own stuff.

The team leaves in a week and a half and so now I'm attempting to begin to transition them into the leaving stage but it is really hard since I don't even want to think about them leaving....

I need sustained energy, I need to be able to process everything that's changed since I LIVE here now....I still need His grace.....

Thank you all for your prayers and love, I'll write soon (should be getting Internet at my apartment so that will help with communicating....I hope....)

Anticipating Adventure! Feb. 22, 2010

Dear Friends,

           

I have been thoroughly enjoying the oddly cold and SNOWY winter that has hit Kansas City this year!  I am looking at it as a special blessing from the Lord since next winter I won’t be getting any snow….unless there’s a miracle in Cambodia J  I have also been taking full advantage when my friends have off of work because of weather…lots of play days that will make great memories!

           

I am getting to know the people who are part of the Hard Places Community (H.P.C.) a bit better.  There are sixteen of us in all.  Six are overseas in either Cambodia or Thailand and the other ten of us are still in the States.  We all communicate through Skype and e-mail mostly (God bless the Internet!).  It’s lots of fun being able to connect with others whose hearts share the same passion and vision for His love to overcome the dark places of this world!

           

My team and I have spent countless hours on fundraising during the past few weeks. While we won’t leave until May, each of my four team members need to raise the $1,500 for their plane tickets by the middle of March.  We have been doing bake sales, Parent’s Days Out, going door-to-door and some of the boys have even gone to extremes and cracked eggs over their heads on a college campus!  We have also been doing some intense learning about the human trafficking crisis in Cambodia-watching documentaries together, reading excerpts from books and studying the Bible to find out how God feels about all of it.  This has led to some great times of prayer together.

           

As for my own journey to Cambodia, aside from my team that will only be with me for one month…..I have spent some time learning about the tortured history of Cambodia and its people.  My heart breaks for all that this county has endured.  At the same time though, the people are making immense strides at recovering their dignity and that excites me!  My friend Ruthie (a member of the H.P.C.) who is in Cambodia now is starting a school for children who are or have been victims of the sex slave trade.  The school is scheduled to open in the fall of this year! God is certainly on the move in Cambodia and I can’t wait to get there and join what He’s already doing!

           

I have received $150/month in support. That is 1/10 of what I will need monthly for living and ministry expenses.  Having monthly support is a gift of stability that I value more than you can know.  If you are able to give tax-deductable gifts on a monthly basis please follow the enclosed instructions.  One time gifts are also immensely appreciated!

           

Thank you so much for all of your continued support and encouragement.  I’m so glad to be able to share this journey with you!  As always, if you have any questions please feel free to contact me.

November 13, 2009

Dear Friends,

            As the holiday season is getting closer I am finding myself completely overwhelmed with gratitude for the great things that God has done in my life during this past year, it has not been without hardships but the goodness is God is so much bigger than those temporary things.  I don’t have a steady job but, I am thankful because I am busier than I’ve ever been because of His timing in my life!  I don’t have health insurance but, I am thankful for generous friends and an eye specialist who discounts her prices by 50% for me because of His favor on my life!  My mom and younger brothers are not yet following the Lord but, I am thankful for each day He gives them new life and a new opportunity to trust Him because of His love for them! I’d love to hear about some of the ways you and your families have seen His goodness this year!

            One of the biggest things I’m thankful for right now is that I have officially become a missionary!  I will be leaving in May for Phnom Penh, Cambodia!  The first month of my time there will be spent leading a team of high school seniors on their first overseas trip.  Then I will spend 6 months to a year in Cambodia after they leave.  I will be working alongside an organization called the Hard Places Community who has been in Cambodia for almost a year now.  I will be working with women and children who are involved in the human trafficking crisis there as well as helping to lead summer interns and begin  new ministry to boys who live and work on the city streets.

            I NEED your prayers so desperately!  Please pray for wisdom as I lead and train this team even now.  Pray that I am able to make as smooth a transition as possible from Kansas City to Phnom Penh!  Please pray for financial provision for myself and the team.

            I have decided to use International Outreach Ministries, inc. (I.O.M.) as my financial organization.  They will receive any financial gifts that people make (and provide tax-deductible receipts) and they will put those funds into my account on a monthly basis.  As many of you are aware, having stable income is a gift and blessing from the Lord and I’ve been given an estimated monthly living expense to make things simple as I ask for support.

            If you are able to give financially you may want to consider helping out with one of the following options:

·       10 people who can give $50/month

·       20 people who can give $35/month

·       30 people who can give $20/month

·       Of course, one time gifts are also greatly appreciated!!

Every little bit is helpful.  If you are only able to give $5.00 on a monthly basis right now that is such a gift to me and I will be so encouraged by your willingness, please don’t feel like you have to give big in order to give!  If you would like to help out with any of these needs please follow the enclosed instructions. 

            I’m so grateful for all of your continued prayers, support and encouragement!  This has been an amazing journey with the Lord thus far and I’m confident that He’s only just begun! Please let me know how you are doing and how I can pray for you!

Lots of Love & Happy Holidays!

September 22, 2009

Dear Friends,

As I write this letter I am sitting in the church office, a place where I have found myself spending lots of time these days.  It is a cool 63 degrees outside making me long for northeastern autumn!  As the season changes outside I am sure that many of you are also going through transitional phases as well.  Some are getting back into the routine of schoolwork while some of you are sending children back to school (or, even bigger, to school for the first time!).  Still others are starting new jobs, welcoming new additions to the family or becoming acquainted with new living environments. And, a few are probably enjoying the blessing of stability as you continue on the path that is familiar!  I'd love to know where this season finds you!

I am writing to tell you about some new things concerning my future.

Many of you knew about my plan to go to Swaziland and I'm so grateful for all of your encouragement as I moved forward with that!  However, the Lord has closed that door and opened a new one.....

This coming May I will be leading a team of high school seniors to Cambodia to work with 2 of my friends who live there and are missionaries from our church.  The teens will stay in the country for one month.  We will be working with children and women who are victims of the human trafficking crisis in Cambodia.

At the end of the month the teens will go home and I will stay as a missionary with a group called the Hard Places Community.

I value your prayers more than you could ever know!  Please join me in prayer for wisdom as I lead this team and courage as I step out into what His plan is for me.  Pray for me as I begin to settle into the reality of moving to Cambodia in a few months! Please pray for His provision of all financial need as well. 

Thank you all so much for your support, encouragement and prayers throughout this journey! Please feel free to ask any questions or pass along anything He may tell you as you pray. I'd love to hear from you!

Lots of love,

Yvonne

Orphan2apostle@gmail.com

www.orphan2apostle.blogspot.com

One Step at a Time

The view on the way up the mountain

My journey with the Lord is one filled with what educators call "teachable moments". These are moments when the environment is just right for a truth to be imparted to a student so that it makes complete sense for the student. These are different than any other times of teaching because they have the uniqueness of being absolutely relevant in the moment that they are taught. For example, I can teach the truth that when you mix red and blue they will make purple and that is truth. But, it happens as a "teachable moment" when a student is using paint and happens to mix red and blue and it turns into purple, then I can come alongside and say something like, "Wow, did you see what just happened? You mixed red and blue and they made purple!". This will stick with that person because of the self discovery of that truth.

So, this is how I learn best and Jesus knows that about me so He often teaches me this way, by letting me experience things for myself as He comes alongside to make sure I am getting the truth.

This past May I had the opportunity to hike up a mountain for the first time ever (maybe the last time!).

Before we began hiking we were instructed to pick up a rock to carry with us to the top. The rock was to represent something that we wanted to let go of in our lives. My rock, which happened to fit perfectly into the palm of my hand as if it had always belonged there, symbolized fear. As we began hiking I thought it meant fear of saying things that God was telling me to say....as we hiked I quickly realized that, although that was a fear of mine, it was not what God had intended for this journey.

The higher we climbed, the more narrow the path, the more shifty the ground became....the more aware I became that God was asking me to surrender fear about my own physical safety. Would I trust Him with the life He'd given me? Would I trust that He was going to get me safely to the top of that mountain?For those who have done lots of hiking this may seem like no big deal.

For me however....

It was the first time I'd ever hiked up a mountain....

I was with a group of people that I was just getting to know....

I had to constantly be holding onto someone because of my visual impairment....

I had to trust that the person guiding me was going to be able to help me anticipate what was coming next....

I had only met the person guiding me 3 days earlier!!....

I could not see the top and had no concept of how much farther we had to go before we got to our destination....

For over 2 hours I was in a situation where I felt physically unsafe and had a very limited sense of control (on occasion I'd yell, "STOP!! I can't do it!" then I'd look behind me and realize how far we'd come and after some convincing keep going. That was all I could control, the pace we went at.). And all I could do was go one step at a time and trust my guide.

I made it to the top of the mountain, safely, without falling even once. And, I even made it back down (a whole other adventure!!).

God took care of me.

He knew the plan He had for me for that day. He provided the people He knew would be right for the job (because, well, if I had MY way I would've chosen different people...and really would've missed out on what HE had for me...), He came alongside me and pointed out the truth of how He protects, how He guides, how He can see the top and knows exactly how He's going to get me there.

Three months later, here I am....staring at a trail that He has chosen for me. I can't see ten feet in front of me, let alone where it ends up. And, I trust Him. I trust His means of guiding me. I will choose to wait for Him to move and will only go where He goes. Not because I'm afraid of falling plummeting to destruction....because I know that He can see where He's taking me and where He wants to go is truly where I want to be.

Children Learn What They Live

I am re-reading this book called Too Small To Ignore written by Wes Stafford who is currently the president of Compassion International. The book tells his story of growing up in a small village in West Africa with his missionary parents. He writes about the differences between his own simple, modest yet so enjoyable childhood experience and the fast paced, technology filled childhood experiences of many of today's children in the Western world.

In his book he includes this poem which I have heard many times before, not for a while though.  As I read it my heart grew hopeful, excited and filled with a sense of urgency to ensure that children are being taught the good things of this life. They truly are our future and it is the responsibility of this generation to help the next learn to dream, hope, care, respect, value each other....

I think that one of the reasons I am quite passionate about this right now is that very recently I was reminded of just how harsh life can become for children who do not learn the good things and live in the bad.

During the past 4 weeks I have had the opportunity to compare and contrast the differences in the lives of 7 young men who are between the ages of 15-18.

I watched 5 of them choose to make choices to better their lives and the lives of those around them. These young men have been taught tolerance, praise and acceptance (to name a few) and it is evident in the way they live out their lives. They chose over and over again to; let go of harmful habits, surrender ideas and ways of living that are based on lies, repent and ask forgiveness from God and others and, ultimately, they chose to give their lives wholeheartedly to Jesus, seeking His guidance, His affirmation, His plan for their lives day by day.

I also watched as the lives of 2 others have only continued to spiral in an out of control downward pattern. These young men have not been taught the good things in life. They have been taught criticism, shame and hostility. As a result, they live lives of violence and hatred. They believe every lie the enemy has ever thrown their way. They are hopeless. They seek the wisdom of money and they find safety and affirmation in gangs and guns. I believe that it could've been different for them if they had been taught the good things as children.
I also believe that this is not the end, they can learn new things. it won't be as easy as it would've been when they were 5, but it can be done. It will take great strength and courage and that is exactly what I pray for them.

So, that's what's on my heart right now....

"If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live."
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

A Tale of Two Cities (Written Nov. 19, 2007)

I ask that if you are going to read this post that you would also please read the one preceeding it, "Love in Ukraine" because I would hate for anyone to have only half of the full picture of how these children have entered my heart and it will never be the same again.

During the months of June 2006 and June 2007 I lived in orphanages in Ukraine. This had been something I had dreamed about diong for five years before it finally happened. The first year was the most wonderful experience of my life. Jesus revealed Himself to me in so many ways through Misha, Tonya, Dima, Bogdon....

Deep, everlasting heart connections were made during that first trip. At any time I can close my eyes and see so vividly the faces of those young lives that have ultimately changed my own life. I can hear their laughter, feel their arms squeeze me in hugs and see the earnest desire for the truth in their eyes as they asked questions about Jesus. I will never forget their stories even though they are not written down on paper because they are etched in my heart...they mingle with my own story...

Throughout the month my teamates and I were privelliged to watch the seeds of life, joy, redemption...be planted in the hearts of 120 precious lives. I saw that Bogdon has hope for life as he drew pictures of houses surrounded by blue skies, picket fences and great big trees. Olieg has hope for redemption because the transforming power of the word of God in Ps. 27:10 took root in his heart. Misha was able to experience a few moments of pure childlikeness as we sat together for over an hour and I simply held him. The Lord showed Dima that even though he has been rejected many times during his ten years of life, that is not the end because He is loved so much by a God who sends people from his own country and far away to receive him simply because of who he is....I could write like this for days about those kids in an orphanage in Berdychiv...

I went to an orphanage in Neeperderzhinschk (I'd almost guarantee that's not how it's spelled and don't even ask about pronunciation!) this past June. I began the process of this trip knowing that there was a possibility that I would not return to the orphanage in Berdychiv...and I thought I was okay with that. I thought that I understood what that would mean for me, for my heart. I thought that I could build up enough excitement about being able to go again, excitement about being able to bring the love of Jesus to more orphans, I thought that I could use the excitement to drown out the pain of finding out that I would not be seeing those same kids again. It didn't work.

The kids I encountered this past June were very different kids. Their lives were very different. In some ways I would even venture to believe that their lives were more difficult. My kids from 2006 were completely abandoned. My kids this year...they went home for weekend visits, relatives would show up when they felt like and then come drop the kids back off when they felt like it...nothing was stable, nothing was secure ...their lives were chaotic. On day one they wanted to know how much money I had been paid to come spend time with them, they wanted to know when we were leaving and as the days went on many of them became increasingly aggressive as I ran out of tangible things to give them.

That month I saw small glimpses of the Lord, enough to give me the hope I needed to be able to pray. One of the older boys chose to stay at the orphanage instead of go home for his weekend visits because he wanted to be around us as much as possible. One day my little Vova would threaten to use sticks and rocks to hurt my friend Amanda and I and the next he sat on a tree stump and colored with me for 30 minutes. During our birthday party I watched Roma come back inside to sit alone in a corner and look at each of the gifts he had been given with astonishment in his eyes.

I held out hope during that entire month that maybe, just maybe, we could take a trip across the county of Ukraine (the size of Texas) and I could see my kids from last year...That didn't happen. And now, here I am, nearly six months later, still so vividly seeing the faces of my 2006 kids and struggling to remember the names of my 2007 kids.....

Berdychiv was wonderful. I was changed. I will never be the same. Neeperderzhinschk was rough. I was changed. I will never be the same.

Jesus, please teach me to love as You do. Teach me to love even when I am hurt. Teach me to love even when my love is not reciprocated. Teach me to love even when I don't feel like it, when I don't want to. Most of all, please teach me to love simply because I am loved by You.

Love in Ukraine (Written May 29, 2007)

Next Monday, at 7:30am I will get on a plane and travel for 21 hours until I reach Kiev, Ukraine. I will then travel by bus to an orphanage where I will spend a month living with orphans, showing them the love of Christ Who lives in me. I did this last June as well. Here are some of the ways my teamate Amanda Kane and I were able to see love during that month....this is why I'm going back...

Love was hand games until your hands turned red.
Love was holding those red hands.
Love was playing with a little girl's hair, and letting her play with mine.
Love was bedtime prayers, and mornings full of "rise-and-shine" singing.
Love was running laps while holding a little boy's hand.
Love was picking up that little guy when he fell and giving him a band-aid.
Love was helping kids with morning chores of gardening, shoveling rocks, white-washing, and wallpapering.
Love was filling our pockets with sunflower seeds that the kids would not let us refuse.
Love was learning "kavitochka" (flower), and "ya tibia lublu" (I love you).
Love was hugs so tight we thought our lungs might pop.
Love was receiving a gift of wild strawberries strung on a long wheat blade.
Love was letting a child feed you a sweet red cherry.
Love was wiping tears away from chubby cheeks.
Love was finding a smile that tried to remain hidden.
Love was skipping and jumping rope.
Love was drinking thick sour milk and eating stale wafer cookies at snacktime.
Love was rolling up pant-legs to wade through massive puddles after the rain.
Love was swimming in the "river" that turned out to be a mucky pond.
Love was repainting the play ground, and letting the girls clean the paint from our skin with paint thinner.
Love was holding a little one and playing peek-a-boo.
Love was lying on a blanket under a shade tree with the girls while the boys learned "Americansi Futbol."
Love was kisses on the cheek and kisses on the nose.
Love was sitting on a bench with an 8-year old boy who was showing off his reading skills while I didn’t understand a word of it.
Love was letting them use my shampoo to make more bubbles when we ran out.
Love was a little girl standing in a hug for over an hour while everyone around us played.
Love was finding Ps. 27:10 in a Russian Bible and watching a little boy's face light up........

FUN!! (Written May 14, 2007)

I have had a few conversations over the past two weeks about fun. I am one of those people who does not aspire for life to be full of monotony. I enjoy spontaneity and adventure! I teach one and two year olds and while the job certainly has its setbacks (I readily admit that!) it is at the same time one of the greatest jobs for me. I get to go to work and once there, PLAY! Where else can I go and be able to finger paint, play ring-around-the-rosie, shout with my outdoor voice, color with sidewalk chalk and blow bubbles...all in one day?? These kids are so good at just being kids and I know that I need to learn from them.

There are varying definitions of the word fun. I have spent time with people doing something and one of us will walk away saying, "that was fun" while the other is thinking, "fun? yeah, I guess you could call it that." For example, I really like word games-scrabble, boggle, apples to apples-but, my best friend absolutely hates them, one of us has fun, the other doesn't :-)

I have been so very grateful at realizing that I have some of the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. Just when I think I'm about to completely lose my mind due to all the seriousness that is happening in my life Jesus provides opportunities for simple fun.

Last week, a friend and I went to a diner at 11:30pm just because we wanted to spend time together and I think that was one of the best plates of cheese fries I've shared with someone in a long time!

Another friend and I went to a coffee shop a while ago and played a game of scrabble-she won, I wasn't much competition!

I went to see a movie with some friends two weeks ago and after realizing how horrible the movie was we went and had amazing frozen custard to make up for it, because we were determined to have fun!

Last week a friend and I went tree climbing and in the process tore holes in our pockets and got our feet insanely dirty (so dirty that we washed them off in the park bathroom sink)...that was so much fun!

Sunday night I found myself in a friend's backyard having conversations about adventure that stirred up all kinds of dreams within my heart....especially dreams of traveling, traveling to Guatemala, California, Nepal, Columbia....it was a heck of a lot of fun to be amongst friends and dream :-)


On Monday at work, I found myself leaping like a frog and then slithering like a snake under tables!

Tonight some friends wanted to have fun so we went to watch the sunset and ended up rolling down grassy hills and attempting to make blades of grass whistle...lots of laughs :-)

Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:3, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven." If we are to have childlike faith it might help if we take time to see the world as children do...full of FUN!

Praise You in This Storm (Written Feb. 10, 2007)

The song, "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns is the perfect song to describe where I am at right now with life. The lyrics seem to speak so perfectly of where I am. You might want to listen to it, may help this blog make sense.

I've done a lot of praying during the past nine years that I have known Jesus. Probably not as much recently as I could be, but I have done a lot of praying is the point. One of the biggest issues that has been at the top of the list since the beginning of my relationship with Jesus has been my family. As a new Christian I would pray with such faith. I can remember prayer times on the wooden floor in that small church sandwiched between the government housing projects and a gas station, when I would be on my face, tears and snot running all over the place as my church family and I would plea, completely brokenhearted before the Lord for the salvation of my mom and two younger brothers. Here I am today, "I've said amen again just to find, it's still raining". My family has not changed for the good in nine years.

Here's what confuses me, I know that God is alive and active. I cannot deny that because while the lives of my mom and brothers have only gone downhill mine has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Jesus has truly given me more than I could ask or imagine in my own personal life. But what about the ones I love the most, does He really love them more than I do? That's what I've been told anyway. Well, I can't find Him there, but "as the thunder rolls, I can barely hear Him whisper 'I am with you'"

So, I find myself saying "I will praise You in this storm. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm".

I've also done lots of crying lately. One night as I was crying I was reminded of an experience during my junior year at Nyack. I was on a mission trip training retreat and the Lord was asking me to trust Him with my family. As I cried, so ashamed that I didin't trust Him, so hurt for my family, one of the professor's sons who was 12 at the time cupped his hands and caught my tears as he told me that was exactly what God does as well. In order for truths to stick in my mind I need tangibles to go along with them and the Lord knows that so this was a wonderful reminder for me that He does know what I go through, He sees the hurt and the brokeness. This just leaves me wondering, so....then what? He sees and knows and, yes, He loves me through it all.........but...then what? I am longing to see Jesus be ACTIVE in my family.  I am longing to see them choose Him for their lives!

I know that if everyting in my family were to change for the good that would certainly not mean that I would never experience pain again. But, I really do believe that my heart could find some stillness, some calm and I'd like that.

So, here I am, right in the middle of one of the most intense storms of my life, confused, scared, hurt...but, I know He's HERE and although I hate to admit it because I want Him to do both- be the Sovereign God He is and just fix it already, in my timing (kind of like I'm one of the Jews who never expected Jesus to come as a baby and so they wouldn't accept it, yeah that's me), just knowing that He's HERE in the storm with me does give me some comfort.

Proverbs 13:12 (Written Jan. 9, 2007)

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." ~Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)

I have certainly experienced life from both of these perspectives. This week in particular both have been very real in my heart. I have been walking out the realities of both.

About two weeks ago the man who had become my grandfather, by my own choosing (long story) when I was four died. Each day since then has brought with it new and fresh pain-pain that comes with loss (some might call this 'grief'), pain from realizing how different life will be for my family and I and pain that has been hidden in my heart for possibly years if I let myself really face my life. And that's just the beginning...

Last Sunday my Pastor challenged a group of us to look back on the past year of our lives and see the places where Jesus has shown Himself victorious. This is one of my favorite things to do because I KNOW that the Lord is so completely for me and more powerful than I can ever imagine. So, I've been blown away by His faithfulness to me last year. By far the biggest display of my hopes being fulfilled can be seen in my trip to Ukraine. The Lord proved that sometimes He chooses to use the most broken people in the most vulnerable circumstances as a means for Himself to be lifted up when He brought me to Boystown, Mexico to love people whose life situations were so similar to my own family that it literally broke my heart. He showed me that His timing is always perfect if I'll just be patient and wait when He waited until a week before I needed to know where I would live to let me in on His plans. And that's just the beginning....

God's word is true. It is true today. Currently my heart feels oh so sick even though I can see His hope, dreams and fulfillment for my life. This is new, I don't know how to let my heart be sick. I want to treat it like I would a cold-stuff it full of medicine that will hide the symptoms just enough for me to get through the day (saying what I think people want to hear, forcing myself to smile and laugh and pretending that life is just as it was before, ya know the equivalent of cough suppressants, pain relievers and throat soothers).

Jesus, please show Yourself stronger than my own rationalities, teach me how to face pain because I KNOW that on the other side there's joy-

"Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of joy."~Psalm 126:5.

Wrapping Presents (Written Dec. 15, 2006)

****Written December 19, 2017, 11 years later: Tonight, I was wrapping some gifts and had the very same experience of lots of laughter and shaking my head at the ridiculousness of the excess paper and gobs of tape used on each one.  I've learned that the joy in giving a gift outweighs any fear of what people might think about the outside package.  Thanks, Lord, for the constant joy I receive in giving! 

December 19, 2017

Tonight as I sat on my living room floor and began the task of wrapping a few Christmas presents I almost had to stop a few times because I was laughing so hard. This is a normal occurrence  in my life since my wonderful roommate has such a great sense of humor...but she wasn't even home!!

It was just me and Jesus. Let me tell you why wrapping presents is so much fun for me...

As a kid I was never taught the 'right' way to wrap presents. We rarely even had the 'right' material for wrapping presents. I loved to give gifts anyway and so I would go about wrapping them in any old way as long as the entire gift was covered so the recipient couldn't guess what was inside I was happy. I can remember lots of gifts being wrapped (are you ready?) with aluminum foil and masking tape! At least they were totally covered and nobody was gonna guess what was inside!

I was never self-conscious about my unique gift-wrapping skills. My mom has some great qualities and one was that she always encouraged me to do what makes me happy even if others didn't like it. Because I'm legally blind I've had to make lots of adaptations to the way things are done in life and as I grew up doing things just a bit differently than everyone else, she never pointed out those differences. So, she always enjoyed my uniquely wrapped presents :)

Now I'm 23 and it's almost Christmas. I began my gift wrapping tonight. My first task was a large, round pot-type thing and as I wrapped it I just burst out laughing, I do have actual Christmas wrapping paper this time, but alas my skills have not improved since I was 4. This gift is sitting on the floor with its gobs of tape and surely a massive amount of excess wrapping.

And, you know what? I'm still not self-conscious about it, I kind of enjoy the way I wrap presents, no other 'adult' wraps like I do (not on purpose anyway). I get lots of joy from the fact that, if you ask me, there is no such thing as the 'right' way to wrap a gift. I don't want to know how to 'fix' my gift wrapping technique either, I like it just the way it is and actually I pray that I don't ever become self conscious about it.

Thank You Lord for tonight, for good memories of when I was a little girl, for the joy of being able to see certain aspects of the world with the eyes of a child and for the wonderful people You've placed in my present life who will be blessed enough to experience the gobs of tape on their gifts this year :)

Travel Plans (Written Dec. 13, 2006)

I'm so glad to be able to tell you that since this was written, about two and a half years ago, I have chosen to accept Jesus' invitation to go on some of the more perilous looking journeys with Him. I've discovered that He really does join us on each journey He invites us to go on, never does He leave us there on our own. Sometimes, He is very quiet, only observing as we step out in trust that He is there and that He is watching over us. In those moments I've found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure He's still there and although I've been tempted to turn back the way I came, I've been able, through the strength I have from knowing He's with me, to continue moving forward.....and still, today, I choose to move forward.....

"Let your heart be filled with a deep conviction of what you lack, a desire for what God offers, and a willingness to sacrifice everything for it." ~Andrew Murray

"Why are you in Kansas City?" This is the question that has been playing in my mind over and over for the past week. It's odd because it's not an unanswered question. I know (almost for certain...) why I'm here. The answer I gave to the question is what has been pestering me.

During the past seven months or so the Lord has been presenting me with countless invitations to go on journeys with Him. He's really very good about asking and not just taking me along for the ride.

I have chosen to go on some of His excursions-the ones that boast pictures of peaceful, joyful and non-chaotic scenery. I have begun to travel to the place of freedom from the need to be superwoman for my family. I have cautiously stepped into the open fields (scary territory for a city girl!) of enjoying the life Jesus has so graciously blessed me with. I enjoy these journeys so much and am grateful for the chance to begin them!

There have been other invites though. I've been allowed to opt out of some of the more treterous looking trails Jesus chooses- the ones whose backdrops consist of cold, deep, dark caves and often torrential downpours. These walks will be filled with questions, frustrations and....(dare I even write it!) painful tears. These are the 'adventures' that will ultimately and eventually lead me to greater fullness of love, hope, joy....all the things I know I am lacking in because Jesus has very pointedly shown me (through Ukrainian children, through conversations I've had with friends about four letter words such as 'home', through Christmas trees, through....well the list goes on and on) that they were stolen from me at vital times during my life. I have a growing desire for the Lord to restore them as I know only He can.

Am I willing to sacrifice the pseudo-reality I've made for myself, the one that lets me believe that nothing about my past effects who I am today, the make-believe story I've written that states, "and the little girl forced herself to dissappear, never to be heard from again. The end."?

I don't know.........I really don't know if I'm ready to let go of those things yet. After all, surrender does mean not being able to do something on your own....kind of like a little girl (who was supposed to have dissappeared) asking for help....

But, "why am I in Kansas City?" To go on journeys with the Lord so He can fill me with lasting joy, hope, love...so that I can go and give, give, give to the orphans of this world without having to worry about coming up empty one day because I will have gone out into the fields and experienced the vastness of what He gives....and I will have gone into the caves and will KNOW the depth of all He gives.

Still, those caves and that rain....pretty scary....