I ask that if you are going to read this post that you would also please read the one preceeding it, "Love in Ukraine" because I would hate for anyone to have only half of the full picture of how these children have entered my heart and it will never be the same again.
During the months of June 2006 and June 2007 I lived in orphanages in Ukraine. This had been something I had dreamed about diong for five years before it finally happened. The first year was the most wonderful experience of my life. Jesus revealed Himself to me in so many ways through Misha, Tonya, Dima, Bogdon....
Deep, everlasting heart connections were made during that first trip. At any time I can close my eyes and see so vividly the faces of those young lives that have ultimately changed my own life. I can hear their laughter, feel their arms squeeze me in hugs and see the earnest desire for the truth in their eyes as they asked questions about Jesus. I will never forget their stories even though they are not written down on paper because they are etched in my heart...they mingle with my own story...
Throughout the month my teamates and I were privelliged to watch the seeds of life, joy, redemption...be planted in the hearts of 120 precious lives. I saw that Bogdon has hope for life as he drew pictures of houses surrounded by blue skies, picket fences and great big trees. Olieg has hope for redemption because the transforming power of the word of God in Ps. 27:10 took root in his heart. Misha was able to experience a few moments of pure childlikeness as we sat together for over an hour and I simply held him. The Lord showed Dima that even though he has been rejected many times during his ten years of life, that is not the end because He is loved so much by a God who sends people from his own country and far away to receive him simply because of who he is....I could write like this for days about those kids in an orphanage in Berdychiv...
I went to an orphanage in Neeperderzhinschk (I'd almost guarantee that's not how it's spelled and don't even ask about pronunciation!) this past June. I began the process of this trip knowing that there was a possibility that I would not return to the orphanage in Berdychiv...and I thought I was okay with that. I thought that I understood what that would mean for me, for my heart. I thought that I could build up enough excitement about being able to go again, excitement about being able to bring the love of Jesus to more orphans, I thought that I could use the excitement to drown out the pain of finding out that I would not be seeing those same kids again. It didn't work.
The kids I encountered this past June were very different kids. Their lives were very different. In some ways I would even venture to believe that their lives were more difficult. My kids from 2006 were completely abandoned. My kids this year...they went home for weekend visits, relatives would show up when they felt like and then come drop the kids back off when they felt like it...nothing was stable, nothing was secure ...their lives were chaotic. On day one they wanted to know how much money I had been paid to come spend time with them, they wanted to know when we were leaving and as the days went on many of them became increasingly aggressive as I ran out of tangible things to give them.
That month I saw small glimpses of the Lord, enough to give me the hope I needed to be able to pray. One of the older boys chose to stay at the orphanage instead of go home for his weekend visits because he wanted to be around us as much as possible. One day my little Vova would threaten to use sticks and rocks to hurt my friend Amanda and I and the next he sat on a tree stump and colored with me for 30 minutes. During our birthday party I watched Roma come back inside to sit alone in a corner and look at each of the gifts he had been given with astonishment in his eyes.
I held out hope during that entire month that maybe, just maybe, we could take a trip across the county of Ukraine (the size of Texas) and I could see my kids from last year...That didn't happen. And now, here I am, nearly six months later, still so vividly seeing the faces of my 2006 kids and struggling to remember the names of my 2007 kids.....
Berdychiv was wonderful. I was changed. I will never be the same. Neeperderzhinschk was rough. I was changed. I will never be the same.
Jesus, please teach me to love as You do. Teach me to love even when I am hurt. Teach me to love even when my love is not reciprocated. Teach me to love even when I don't feel like it, when I don't want to. Most of all, please teach me to love simply because I am loved by You.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Love in Ukraine (Written May 29, 2007)
Next Monday, at 7:30am I will get on a plane and travel for 21 hours until I reach Kiev, Ukraine. I will then travel by bus to an orphanage where I will spend a month living with orphans, showing them the love of Christ Who lives in me. I did this last June as well. Here are some of the ways my teamate Amanda Kane and I were able to see love during that month....this is why I'm going back...
Love was hand games until your hands turned red.
Love was holding those red hands.
Love was playing with a little girl's hair, and letting her play with mine.
Love was bedtime prayers, and mornings full of "rise-and-shine" singing.
Love was running laps while holding a little boy's hand.
Love was picking up that little guy when he fell and giving him a band-aid.
Love was helping kids with morning chores of gardening, shoveling rocks, white-washing, and wallpapering.
Love was filling our pockets with sunflower seeds that the kids would not let us refuse.
Love was learning "kavitochka" (flower), and "ya tibia lublu" (I love you).
Love was hugs so tight we thought our lungs might pop.
Love was receiving a gift of wild strawberries strung on a long wheat blade.
Love was letting a child feed you a sweet red cherry.
Love was wiping tears away from chubby cheeks.
Love was finding a smile that tried to remain hidden.
Love was skipping and jumping rope.
Love was drinking thick sour milk and eating stale wafer cookies at snacktime.
Love was rolling up pant-legs to wade through massive puddles after the rain.
Love was swimming in the "river" that turned out to be a mucky pond.
Love was repainting the play ground, and letting the girls clean the paint from our skin with paint thinner.
Love was holding a little one and playing peek-a-boo.
Love was lying on a blanket under a shade tree with the girls while the boys learned "Americansi Futbol."
Love was kisses on the cheek and kisses on the nose.
Love was sitting on a bench with an 8-year old boy who was showing off his reading skills while I didn’t understand a word of it.
Love was letting them use my shampoo to make more bubbles when we ran out.
Love was a little girl standing in a hug for over an hour while everyone around us played.
Love was finding Ps. 27:10 in a Russian Bible and watching a little boy's face light up........
Love was hand games until your hands turned red.
Love was holding those red hands.
Love was playing with a little girl's hair, and letting her play with mine.
Love was bedtime prayers, and mornings full of "rise-and-shine" singing.
Love was running laps while holding a little boy's hand.
Love was picking up that little guy when he fell and giving him a band-aid.
Love was helping kids with morning chores of gardening, shoveling rocks, white-washing, and wallpapering.
Love was filling our pockets with sunflower seeds that the kids would not let us refuse.
Love was learning "kavitochka" (flower), and "ya tibia lublu" (I love you).
Love was hugs so tight we thought our lungs might pop.
Love was receiving a gift of wild strawberries strung on a long wheat blade.
Love was letting a child feed you a sweet red cherry.
Love was wiping tears away from chubby cheeks.
Love was finding a smile that tried to remain hidden.
Love was skipping and jumping rope.
Love was drinking thick sour milk and eating stale wafer cookies at snacktime.
Love was rolling up pant-legs to wade through massive puddles after the rain.
Love was swimming in the "river" that turned out to be a mucky pond.
Love was repainting the play ground, and letting the girls clean the paint from our skin with paint thinner.
Love was holding a little one and playing peek-a-boo.
Love was lying on a blanket under a shade tree with the girls while the boys learned "Americansi Futbol."
Love was kisses on the cheek and kisses on the nose.
Love was sitting on a bench with an 8-year old boy who was showing off his reading skills while I didn’t understand a word of it.
Love was letting them use my shampoo to make more bubbles when we ran out.
Love was a little girl standing in a hug for over an hour while everyone around us played.
Love was finding Ps. 27:10 in a Russian Bible and watching a little boy's face light up........
FUN!! (Written May 14, 2007)
I have had a few conversations over the past two weeks about fun. I am one of those people who does not aspire for life to be full of monotony. I enjoy spontaneity and adventure! I teach one and two year olds and while the job certainly has its setbacks (I readily admit that!) it is at the same time one of the greatest jobs for me. I get to go to work and once there, PLAY! Where else can I go and be able to finger paint, play ring-around-the-rosie, shout with my outdoor voice, color with sidewalk chalk and blow bubbles...all in one day?? These kids are so good at just being kids and I know that I need to learn from them.
There are varying definitions of the word fun. I have spent time with people doing something and one of us will walk away saying, "that was fun" while the other is thinking, "fun? yeah, I guess you could call it that." For example, I really like word games-scrabble, boggle, apples to apples-but, my best friend absolutely hates them, one of us has fun, the other doesn't :-)
I have been so very grateful at realizing that I have some of the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. Just when I think I'm about to completely lose my mind due to all the seriousness that is happening in my life Jesus provides opportunities for simple fun.
Last week, a friend and I went to a diner at 11:30pm just because we wanted to spend time together and I think that was one of the best plates of cheese fries I've shared with someone in a long time!
Another friend and I went to a coffee shop a while ago and played a game of scrabble-she won, I wasn't much competition!
I went to see a movie with some friends two weeks ago and after realizing how horrible the movie was we went and had amazing frozen custard to make up for it, because we were determined to have fun!
Last week a friend and I went tree climbing and in the process tore holes in our pockets and got our feet insanely dirty (so dirty that we washed them off in the park bathroom sink)...that was so much fun!
Sunday night I found myself in a friend's backyard having conversations about adventure that stirred up all kinds of dreams within my heart....especially dreams of traveling, traveling to Guatemala, California, Nepal, Columbia....it was a heck of a lot of fun to be amongst friends and dream :-)
On Monday at work, I found myself leaping like a frog and then slithering like a snake under tables!
Tonight some friends wanted to have fun so we went to watch the sunset and ended up rolling down grassy hills and attempting to make blades of grass whistle...lots of laughs :-)
Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:3, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven." If we are to have childlike faith it might help if we take time to see the world as children do...full of FUN!
There are varying definitions of the word fun. I have spent time with people doing something and one of us will walk away saying, "that was fun" while the other is thinking, "fun? yeah, I guess you could call it that." For example, I really like word games-scrabble, boggle, apples to apples-but, my best friend absolutely hates them, one of us has fun, the other doesn't :-)
I have been so very grateful at realizing that I have some of the most wonderful friends anyone could ask for. Just when I think I'm about to completely lose my mind due to all the seriousness that is happening in my life Jesus provides opportunities for simple fun.
Last week, a friend and I went to a diner at 11:30pm just because we wanted to spend time together and I think that was one of the best plates of cheese fries I've shared with someone in a long time!
Another friend and I went to a coffee shop a while ago and played a game of scrabble-she won, I wasn't much competition!
I went to see a movie with some friends two weeks ago and after realizing how horrible the movie was we went and had amazing frozen custard to make up for it, because we were determined to have fun!
Last week a friend and I went tree climbing and in the process tore holes in our pockets and got our feet insanely dirty (so dirty that we washed them off in the park bathroom sink)...that was so much fun!
Sunday night I found myself in a friend's backyard having conversations about adventure that stirred up all kinds of dreams within my heart....especially dreams of traveling, traveling to Guatemala, California, Nepal, Columbia....it was a heck of a lot of fun to be amongst friends and dream :-)
On Monday at work, I found myself leaping like a frog and then slithering like a snake under tables!
Tonight some friends wanted to have fun so we went to watch the sunset and ended up rolling down grassy hills and attempting to make blades of grass whistle...lots of laughs :-)
Jesus tells us in Matthew 18:3, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of heaven." If we are to have childlike faith it might help if we take time to see the world as children do...full of FUN!
Praise You in This Storm (Written Feb. 10, 2007)
The song, "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns is the perfect song to describe where I am at right now with life. The lyrics seem to speak so perfectly of where I am. You might want to listen to it, may help this blog make sense.
I've done a lot of praying during the past nine years that I have known Jesus. Probably not as much recently as I could be, but I have done a lot of praying is the point. One of the biggest issues that has been at the top of the list since the beginning of my relationship with Jesus has been my family. As a new Christian I would pray with such faith. I can remember prayer times on the wooden floor in that small church sandwiched between the government housing projects and a gas station, when I would be on my face, tears and snot running all over the place as my church family and I would plea, completely brokenhearted before the Lord for the salvation of my mom and two younger brothers. Here I am today, "I've said amen again just to find, it's still raining". My family has not changed for the good in nine years.
Here's what confuses me, I know that God is alive and active. I cannot deny that because while the lives of my mom and brothers have only gone downhill mine has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Jesus has truly given me more than I could ask or imagine in my own personal life. But what about the ones I love the most, does He really love them more than I do? That's what I've been told anyway. Well, I can't find Him there, but "as the thunder rolls, I can barely hear Him whisper 'I am with you'"
So, I find myself saying "I will praise You in this storm. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm".
I've also done lots of crying lately. One night as I was crying I was reminded of an experience during my junior year at Nyack. I was on a mission trip training retreat and the Lord was asking me to trust Him with my family. As I cried, so ashamed that I didin't trust Him, so hurt for my family, one of the professor's sons who was 12 at the time cupped his hands and caught my tears as he told me that was exactly what God does as well. In order for truths to stick in my mind I need tangibles to go along with them and the Lord knows that so this was a wonderful reminder for me that He does know what I go through, He sees the hurt and the brokeness. This just leaves me wondering, so....then what? He sees and knows and, yes, He loves me through it all.........but...then what? I am longing to see Jesus be ACTIVE in my family. I am longing to see them choose Him for their lives!
I know that if everyting in my family were to change for the good that would certainly not mean that I would never experience pain again. But, I really do believe that my heart could find some stillness, some calm and I'd like that.
So, here I am, right in the middle of one of the most intense storms of my life, confused, scared, hurt...but, I know He's HERE and although I hate to admit it because I want Him to do both- be the Sovereign God He is and just fix it already, in my timing (kind of like I'm one of the Jews who never expected Jesus to come as a baby and so they wouldn't accept it, yeah that's me), just knowing that He's HERE in the storm with me does give me some comfort.
I've done a lot of praying during the past nine years that I have known Jesus. Probably not as much recently as I could be, but I have done a lot of praying is the point. One of the biggest issues that has been at the top of the list since the beginning of my relationship with Jesus has been my family. As a new Christian I would pray with such faith. I can remember prayer times on the wooden floor in that small church sandwiched between the government housing projects and a gas station, when I would be on my face, tears and snot running all over the place as my church family and I would plea, completely brokenhearted before the Lord for the salvation of my mom and two younger brothers. Here I am today, "I've said amen again just to find, it's still raining". My family has not changed for the good in nine years.
Here's what confuses me, I know that God is alive and active. I cannot deny that because while the lives of my mom and brothers have only gone downhill mine has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Jesus has truly given me more than I could ask or imagine in my own personal life. But what about the ones I love the most, does He really love them more than I do? That's what I've been told anyway. Well, I can't find Him there, but "as the thunder rolls, I can barely hear Him whisper 'I am with you'"
So, I find myself saying "I will praise You in this storm. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm".
I've also done lots of crying lately. One night as I was crying I was reminded of an experience during my junior year at Nyack. I was on a mission trip training retreat and the Lord was asking me to trust Him with my family. As I cried, so ashamed that I didin't trust Him, so hurt for my family, one of the professor's sons who was 12 at the time cupped his hands and caught my tears as he told me that was exactly what God does as well. In order for truths to stick in my mind I need tangibles to go along with them and the Lord knows that so this was a wonderful reminder for me that He does know what I go through, He sees the hurt and the brokeness. This just leaves me wondering, so....then what? He sees and knows and, yes, He loves me through it all.........but...then what? I am longing to see Jesus be ACTIVE in my family. I am longing to see them choose Him for their lives!
I know that if everyting in my family were to change for the good that would certainly not mean that I would never experience pain again. But, I really do believe that my heart could find some stillness, some calm and I'd like that.
So, here I am, right in the middle of one of the most intense storms of my life, confused, scared, hurt...but, I know He's HERE and although I hate to admit it because I want Him to do both- be the Sovereign God He is and just fix it already, in my timing (kind of like I'm one of the Jews who never expected Jesus to come as a baby and so they wouldn't accept it, yeah that's me), just knowing that He's HERE in the storm with me does give me some comfort.
Proverbs 13:12 (Written Jan. 9, 2007)
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." ~Proverbs 13:12 (NLT)
I have certainly experienced life from both of these perspectives. This week in particular both have been very real in my heart. I have been walking out the realities of both.
About two weeks ago the man who had become my grandfather, by my own choosing (long story) when I was four died. Each day since then has brought with it new and fresh pain-pain that comes with loss (some might call this 'grief'), pain from realizing how different life will be for my family and I and pain that has been hidden in my heart for possibly years if I let myself really face my life. And that's just the beginning...
Last Sunday my Pastor challenged a group of us to look back on the past year of our lives and see the places where Jesus has shown Himself victorious. This is one of my favorite things to do because I KNOW that the Lord is so completely for me and more powerful than I can ever imagine. So, I've been blown away by His faithfulness to me last year. By far the biggest display of my hopes being fulfilled can be seen in my trip to Ukraine. The Lord proved that sometimes He chooses to use the most broken people in the most vulnerable circumstances as a means for Himself to be lifted up when He brought me to Boystown, Mexico to love people whose life situations were so similar to my own family that it literally broke my heart. He showed me that His timing is always perfect if I'll just be patient and wait when He waited until a week before I needed to know where I would live to let me in on His plans. And that's just the beginning....
God's word is true. It is true today. Currently my heart feels oh so sick even though I can see His hope, dreams and fulfillment for my life. This is new, I don't know how to let my heart be sick. I want to treat it like I would a cold-stuff it full of medicine that will hide the symptoms just enough for me to get through the day (saying what I think people want to hear, forcing myself to smile and laugh and pretending that life is just as it was before, ya know the equivalent of cough suppressants, pain relievers and throat soothers).
Jesus, please show Yourself stronger than my own rationalities, teach me how to face pain because I KNOW that on the other side there's joy-
"Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of joy."~Psalm 126:5.
I have certainly experienced life from both of these perspectives. This week in particular both have been very real in my heart. I have been walking out the realities of both.
About two weeks ago the man who had become my grandfather, by my own choosing (long story) when I was four died. Each day since then has brought with it new and fresh pain-pain that comes with loss (some might call this 'grief'), pain from realizing how different life will be for my family and I and pain that has been hidden in my heart for possibly years if I let myself really face my life. And that's just the beginning...
Last Sunday my Pastor challenged a group of us to look back on the past year of our lives and see the places where Jesus has shown Himself victorious. This is one of my favorite things to do because I KNOW that the Lord is so completely for me and more powerful than I can ever imagine. So, I've been blown away by His faithfulness to me last year. By far the biggest display of my hopes being fulfilled can be seen in my trip to Ukraine. The Lord proved that sometimes He chooses to use the most broken people in the most vulnerable circumstances as a means for Himself to be lifted up when He brought me to Boystown, Mexico to love people whose life situations were so similar to my own family that it literally broke my heart. He showed me that His timing is always perfect if I'll just be patient and wait when He waited until a week before I needed to know where I would live to let me in on His plans. And that's just the beginning....
God's word is true. It is true today. Currently my heart feels oh so sick even though I can see His hope, dreams and fulfillment for my life. This is new, I don't know how to let my heart be sick. I want to treat it like I would a cold-stuff it full of medicine that will hide the symptoms just enough for me to get through the day (saying what I think people want to hear, forcing myself to smile and laugh and pretending that life is just as it was before, ya know the equivalent of cough suppressants, pain relievers and throat soothers).
Jesus, please show Yourself stronger than my own rationalities, teach me how to face pain because I KNOW that on the other side there's joy-
"Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of joy."~Psalm 126:5.
Wrapping Presents (Written Dec. 15, 2006)
****Written December 19, 2017, 11 years later: Tonight, I was wrapping some gifts and had the very same experience of lots of laughter and shaking my head at the ridiculousness of the excess paper and gobs of tape used on each one. I've learned that the joy in giving a gift outweighs any fear of what people might think about the outside package. Thanks, Lord, for the constant joy I receive in giving!
Tonight as I sat on my living room floor and began the task of wrapping a few Christmas presents I almost had to stop a few times because I was laughing so hard. This is a normal occurrence in my life since my wonderful roommate has such a great sense of humor...but she wasn't even home!!
It was just me and Jesus. Let me tell you why wrapping presents is so much fun for me...
As a kid I was never taught the 'right' way to wrap presents. We rarely even had the 'right' material for wrapping presents. I loved to give gifts anyway and so I would go about wrapping them in any old way as long as the entire gift was covered so the recipient couldn't guess what was inside I was happy. I can remember lots of gifts being wrapped (are you ready?) with aluminum foil and masking tape! At least they were totally covered and nobody was gonna guess what was inside!
I was never self-conscious about my unique gift-wrapping skills. My mom has some great qualities and one was that she always encouraged me to do what makes me happy even if others didn't like it. Because I'm legally blind I've had to make lots of adaptations to the way things are done in life and as I grew up doing things just a bit differently than everyone else, she never pointed out those differences. So, she always enjoyed my uniquely wrapped presents :)
Now I'm 23 and it's almost Christmas. I began my gift wrapping tonight. My first task was a large, round pot-type thing and as I wrapped it I just burst out laughing, I do have actual Christmas wrapping paper this time, but alas my skills have not improved since I was 4. This gift is sitting on the floor with its gobs of tape and surely a massive amount of excess wrapping.
And, you know what? I'm still not self-conscious about it, I kind of enjoy the way I wrap presents, no other 'adult' wraps like I do (not on purpose anyway). I get lots of joy from the fact that, if you ask me, there is no such thing as the 'right' way to wrap a gift. I don't want to know how to 'fix' my gift wrapping technique either, I like it just the way it is and actually I pray that I don't ever become self conscious about it.
Thank You Lord for tonight, for good memories of when I was a little girl, for the joy of being able to see certain aspects of the world with the eyes of a child and for the wonderful people You've placed in my present life who will be blessed enough to experience the gobs of tape on their gifts this year :)
December 19, 2017
It was just me and Jesus. Let me tell you why wrapping presents is so much fun for me...
As a kid I was never taught the 'right' way to wrap presents. We rarely even had the 'right' material for wrapping presents. I loved to give gifts anyway and so I would go about wrapping them in any old way as long as the entire gift was covered so the recipient couldn't guess what was inside I was happy. I can remember lots of gifts being wrapped (are you ready?) with aluminum foil and masking tape! At least they were totally covered and nobody was gonna guess what was inside!
I was never self-conscious about my unique gift-wrapping skills. My mom has some great qualities and one was that she always encouraged me to do what makes me happy even if others didn't like it. Because I'm legally blind I've had to make lots of adaptations to the way things are done in life and as I grew up doing things just a bit differently than everyone else, she never pointed out those differences. So, she always enjoyed my uniquely wrapped presents :)
Now I'm 23 and it's almost Christmas. I began my gift wrapping tonight. My first task was a large, round pot-type thing and as I wrapped it I just burst out laughing, I do have actual Christmas wrapping paper this time, but alas my skills have not improved since I was 4. This gift is sitting on the floor with its gobs of tape and surely a massive amount of excess wrapping.
And, you know what? I'm still not self-conscious about it, I kind of enjoy the way I wrap presents, no other 'adult' wraps like I do (not on purpose anyway). I get lots of joy from the fact that, if you ask me, there is no such thing as the 'right' way to wrap a gift. I don't want to know how to 'fix' my gift wrapping technique either, I like it just the way it is and actually I pray that I don't ever become self conscious about it.
Thank You Lord for tonight, for good memories of when I was a little girl, for the joy of being able to see certain aspects of the world with the eyes of a child and for the wonderful people You've placed in my present life who will be blessed enough to experience the gobs of tape on their gifts this year :)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Travel Plans (Written Dec. 13, 2006)
I'm so glad to be able to tell you that since this was written, about two and a half years ago, I have chosen to accept Jesus' invitation to go on some of the more perilous looking journeys with Him. I've discovered that He really does join us on each journey He invites us to go on, never does He leave us there on our own. Sometimes, He is very quiet, only observing as we step out in trust that He is there and that He is watching over us. In those moments I've found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure He's still there and although I've been tempted to turn back the way I came, I've been able, through the strength I have from knowing He's with me, to continue moving forward.....and still, today, I choose to move forward.....
"Let your heart be filled with a deep conviction of what you lack, a desire for what God offers, and a willingness to sacrifice everything for it." ~Andrew Murray
"Why are you in Kansas City?" This is the question that has been playing in my mind over and over for the past week. It's odd because it's not an unanswered question. I know (almost for certain...) why I'm here. The answer I gave to the question is what has been pestering me.
During the past seven months or so the Lord has been presenting me with countless invitations to go on journeys with Him. He's really very good about asking and not just taking me along for the ride.
I have chosen to go on some of His excursions-the ones that boast pictures of peaceful, joyful and non-chaotic scenery. I have begun to travel to the place of freedom from the need to be superwoman for my family. I have cautiously stepped into the open fields (scary territory for a city girl!) of enjoying the life Jesus has so graciously blessed me with. I enjoy these journeys so much and am grateful for the chance to begin them!
There have been other invites though. I've been allowed to opt out of some of the more treterous looking trails Jesus chooses- the ones whose backdrops consist of cold, deep, dark caves and often torrential downpours. These walks will be filled with questions, frustrations and....(dare I even write it!) painful tears. These are the 'adventures' that will ultimately and eventually lead me to greater fullness of love, hope, joy....all the things I know I am lacking in because Jesus has very pointedly shown me (through Ukrainian children, through conversations I've had with friends about four letter words such as 'home', through Christmas trees, through....well the list goes on and on) that they were stolen from me at vital times during my life. I have a growing desire for the Lord to restore them as I know only He can.
Am I willing to sacrifice the pseudo-reality I've made for myself, the one that lets me believe that nothing about my past effects who I am today, the make-believe story I've written that states, "and the little girl forced herself to dissappear, never to be heard from again. The end."?
I don't know.........I really don't know if I'm ready to let go of those things yet. After all, surrender does mean not being able to do something on your own....kind of like a little girl (who was supposed to have dissappeared) asking for help....
But, "why am I in Kansas City?" To go on journeys with the Lord so He can fill me with lasting joy, hope, love...so that I can go and give, give, give to the orphans of this world without having to worry about coming up empty one day because I will have gone out into the fields and experienced the vastness of what He gives....and I will have gone into the caves and will KNOW the depth of all He gives.
Still, those caves and that rain....pretty scary....
"Let your heart be filled with a deep conviction of what you lack, a desire for what God offers, and a willingness to sacrifice everything for it." ~Andrew Murray
"Why are you in Kansas City?" This is the question that has been playing in my mind over and over for the past week. It's odd because it's not an unanswered question. I know (almost for certain...) why I'm here. The answer I gave to the question is what has been pestering me.
During the past seven months or so the Lord has been presenting me with countless invitations to go on journeys with Him. He's really very good about asking and not just taking me along for the ride.
I have chosen to go on some of His excursions-the ones that boast pictures of peaceful, joyful and non-chaotic scenery. I have begun to travel to the place of freedom from the need to be superwoman for my family. I have cautiously stepped into the open fields (scary territory for a city girl!) of enjoying the life Jesus has so graciously blessed me with. I enjoy these journeys so much and am grateful for the chance to begin them!
There have been other invites though. I've been allowed to opt out of some of the more treterous looking trails Jesus chooses- the ones whose backdrops consist of cold, deep, dark caves and often torrential downpours. These walks will be filled with questions, frustrations and....(dare I even write it!) painful tears. These are the 'adventures' that will ultimately and eventually lead me to greater fullness of love, hope, joy....all the things I know I am lacking in because Jesus has very pointedly shown me (through Ukrainian children, through conversations I've had with friends about four letter words such as 'home', through Christmas trees, through....well the list goes on and on) that they were stolen from me at vital times during my life. I have a growing desire for the Lord to restore them as I know only He can.
Am I willing to sacrifice the pseudo-reality I've made for myself, the one that lets me believe that nothing about my past effects who I am today, the make-believe story I've written that states, "and the little girl forced herself to dissappear, never to be heard from again. The end."?
I don't know.........I really don't know if I'm ready to let go of those things yet. After all, surrender does mean not being able to do something on your own....kind of like a little girl (who was supposed to have dissappeared) asking for help....
But, "why am I in Kansas City?" To go on journeys with the Lord so He can fill me with lasting joy, hope, love...so that I can go and give, give, give to the orphans of this world without having to worry about coming up empty one day because I will have gone out into the fields and experienced the vastness of what He gives....and I will have gone into the caves and will KNOW the depth of all He gives.
Still, those caves and that rain....pretty scary....
4,320 (Written Nov. 11, 2006)
Four thousand three hundred twenty. That's how many hours are in six months. Time is a funny thing. For example, six months has the potential to seem like a very long time when we are anticipating something great like college graduation, the arrival of a loved one we haven't seen in a long time or the amount of time until we are given a promotion at a job. Six months can also seem like a very short time, especially when looking back on events.
Recently I have had some experiences that have made me realize the impact that four thousand three hundred twenty hours can have. Here are some of those thoughts:
A few weeks ago my grandfather was given six months to live. He is 78 years old and has been the only constant male adult in my life from the time I was 5. He called me two weeks ago asking me to come home as soon as I could because he doesn't think that he's going to be able to live out the four thousand three hundred twenty hours the doctor's have allotted him. In this case, six months seems to be very short.
My mom has been in rehab for the past eleven months. Six months ago she began taking courses to regain her Nurse's Assistant's liscence. She would graduate on November 15. Two days ago they told her that she could not complete the course and become certified because of her criminal record. My mom had her hopes of being able to re-enter society up one more time. To her, it seems like she just spent an eternity of wasted time. Six months.
Yesterday (11/9/06) marked four thousand three hundred twenty hours since my friend Jenn was taken to heaven where she is now mountain biking her heart out. You would think that within those long hours I would have had time to process her not being part of my world anymore, but I haven't. I still have her number in my phone and want to call her, she's still on my e-mail list and I still think about seeing her when I visit New York....and then I remember. Those six months have just seemed to fly by.
Six months ago I had no clue about lots of things in my life. I did not know if I would have enough money to go to Ukraine. I did not know where I would live once Transit was over. I did not know if I would have a job in New York or Kansas City. Six months ago from this very day I was on a Transit retreat trying to listen to the people who were my community during that season as they encouraged me by saying all that they had seen God do in and through me that year.
Six months. That's a lot of hours for Jesus do things in our lives. How was your life different six months ago? How will it be different six months from now? Have the past six months flown by or have they dragged or like mine, has there been a mixture of both? Be grateful for every hour you have. Treasure it. Make the most of it. And when you mess up on a few hours, look ahead to the next one. Yes, sometimes, like now, my life is overwhelming, with both pain and joy, that I can only sanely live one hour at a time.
Recently I have had some experiences that have made me realize the impact that four thousand three hundred twenty hours can have. Here are some of those thoughts:
A few weeks ago my grandfather was given six months to live. He is 78 years old and has been the only constant male adult in my life from the time I was 5. He called me two weeks ago asking me to come home as soon as I could because he doesn't think that he's going to be able to live out the four thousand three hundred twenty hours the doctor's have allotted him. In this case, six months seems to be very short.
My mom has been in rehab for the past eleven months. Six months ago she began taking courses to regain her Nurse's Assistant's liscence. She would graduate on November 15. Two days ago they told her that she could not complete the course and become certified because of her criminal record. My mom had her hopes of being able to re-enter society up one more time. To her, it seems like she just spent an eternity of wasted time. Six months.
Yesterday (11/9/06) marked four thousand three hundred twenty hours since my friend Jenn was taken to heaven where she is now mountain biking her heart out. You would think that within those long hours I would have had time to process her not being part of my world anymore, but I haven't. I still have her number in my phone and want to call her, she's still on my e-mail list and I still think about seeing her when I visit New York....and then I remember. Those six months have just seemed to fly by.
Six months ago I had no clue about lots of things in my life. I did not know if I would have enough money to go to Ukraine. I did not know where I would live once Transit was over. I did not know if I would have a job in New York or Kansas City. Six months ago from this very day I was on a Transit retreat trying to listen to the people who were my community during that season as they encouraged me by saying all that they had seen God do in and through me that year.
Six months. That's a lot of hours for Jesus do things in our lives. How was your life different six months ago? How will it be different six months from now? Have the past six months flown by or have they dragged or like mine, has there been a mixture of both? Be grateful for every hour you have. Treasure it. Make the most of it. And when you mess up on a few hours, look ahead to the next one. Yes, sometimes, like now, my life is overwhelming, with both pain and joy, that I can only sanely live one hour at a time.
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