Uncontrolled Safety

Safety occurs for a person when they are protected from danger, risk or injury.  Some people value safety more than others do, I am one of them!  I also enjoy adventure, though... new experiences that have been survived become anchors of of trust in the God who cares for me as well as fun stories and memories to share! 

As someone who is legally blind what I've incorporated into my life is a system of discovering strategies that make me feel safe for various situations. For example, when I’m walking with someone in a place that I’m not familiar with I make sure to be very careful that they are always one step ahead of me so I can feel when we’re going to go up or down.  I have also become very good at making a mental map of new places so that when I go a second time I have a good idea of what the layout is (this fails me fairly often in the developing, ever changing obstacle course that is Phnom Penh...).  Another strategy is that when someone is guiding me and it’s their first time I make sure to tell them not to be afraid as I declare the truth that I trust Jesus with my life and physical safety and hopefully this eases their nerves but it certainly reminds me where my trust belongs. 

While living in Cambodia there are literally opportunities for new adventures every week, if not every day! One of my favorites has been riding on “moto’s” with friends who drive. And, to be quite honest, in the beginning I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this perceived craziness. I had never once in my life ridden on any type of motorcycle or scooter and had zero desire to begin in chaotic Phnom Penh traffic. Nothing about it felt safe to me and I reasoned that, while I do trust God and enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something new, He has also given me wisdom to use. 

After being surrounded by the Phnom Penh traffic for about four months I reconsidered and decided to be brave and began to ride moto’s. It has actually become my preferred method of transportation for 90% of occasions because they get places way faster than cars or tuktuks. I even enjoy riding in the rain which, I think, is because when you’re the one simply riding you don’t have to pay attention to the road so I get to joyfully ride under the waterfall!  

Over the years I've discovered a few strategies that help me feel safe when I ride moto’s. I never ever ride side saddle, I only ride with people I know and I hold on to the metal bar that is on the back of most scooters that people drive here. This holding on part is the most important for me. It makes me feel secure. I can’t see the road in front of us so I can’t anticipate bumps or even turns so when the unexpected happens (about every 15 feet here) I can quickly grab that bar and steady myself. 

I absolutely love when something that seemed so frightening and impossible becomes a normal part of life. Such victory! 

This all moved to a whole new level about three years ago when one of my brothers (who is also one of the people I ride with most often) got a new moto. This one was way bigger than his old one- I can’t touch the ground with my feet when I climb up on it (yes, I am short but still…)! The seat is not as long and the worst part… there’s no metal bar for stability! 

It looked giant and unfriendly when compared with what I was used to

i’m sure you can guess that it didn’t take very long though for me to want to overcome this. I reluctantly got on the back of his moto and he said, “okay, hold onto my shoulders”. Nope. Not me. I want more stability than your shoulders.  I’m used to having my hands on the moto so I found a way to get my fingers under the seat and I gripped the inside for dear life. And this is how I rode his moto for the past nearly 3 years.  In a very kind gesture he usually drives much slower when I’m with him than he would otherwise. 

Each time we arrive at our destination my fingers are red, calloused and blistered. They sting for a good while after each ride. Sometimes when we would go over big bumps my hand would get caught between the wheel well and the seat as they bounced together from the impact. My brother would notice and regularly would say, “just hold on to my shoulders”. And I would protest that it was no big deal and that I felt safer holding on to the moto. Then we would go on with life until the next time I rode on his moto. 

He’s married now and his wife has a cute little scooter that happens to be my favorite to ride these days! So sometimes when he’s just giving me a ride home from somewhere he’ll even drive her moto because we all know how I feel about riding his. Still, there are plenty of days when I ride with him on that giant, unfriendly moto. 

About two weeks ago after I got off the moto the typical routine of looking at my red, stinging hands for a few seconds occurred while he parked and again he said, “just hold on to my shoulders” and again I shook my head and explained that I felt safer holding on to the moto. 

The next time we go on the moto he said it before we went anywhere. 

“But, what if I pull you, like this?” as I pulled on his shoulders like I imagined I would if we hit a bump. “Or this?” As I pushed him forward. Even as I was doing those things though I was surprised at how stable he was, how centered he was. His actual verbal response though was not as convincing as he looked back at me and said, “I don’t know. We've both never done this before so I guess we’ll find out”. Yeah, in the moment that was not helping me feel safe even if it was his own declaration of trusting God. 

So, I took a (very) deep breath and tentatively put one hand on his shoulder while I kept the other on the back of the moto. I quickly realized that this was not going to work well. I gathered all the courage I could find in myself that afternoon and put both hands on his shoulders. As we drove I was just imagining the next moment would be the moment that I go flying off the moto, it was like when I first began riding. And then, he picked up speed. We were all of a sudden going faster than we had gone before. I bit my tongue on the back of that moto and did not ask him to slow down… maybe, just maybe, he was driving faster because he felt more confident driving this way.… As I rode, keeping all of my cautious, controlling thoughts in my head or just on the tip of my tongue but not allowing them to be voiced; I noticed that I began to feel peace… 

It was as if God was literally calming all the nervousness in me with His presence. We were going faster than before, I was not holding on to the moto and yet…. I began to loosen my white knuckled fingers and my knees that were braced for being knocked off the moto. 

And I heard the Father ask me, “Are you in pain? Do your hands hurt?” I quietly thought about it and in my heart I whispered a slightly embarrassed, “No, my hands don’t hurt at all”. He continued, “Do you feel safe riding with your brother whose ability to drive this moto has not changed at all? Do you still trust Me to care for your physical safety?” Another sheepish response as I told Him, “Oh, I get it… I let go of my idea of what was keeping me safe and here You are being so faithful to show me that the things that were keeping me safe had nothing to do with my own efforts to hold on to this moto…. In fact, my efforts were causing me pain…” I immediately remembered Psalm 121:7-8 “The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore”. 

Um, yeah…. That will preach to me for months. 

I am always telling God that I’m so grateful for the gift He gives through confirmation. He doesn’t have to confirm anything to us. He can just tell us one time and that’s it. But, He’s so kind that He will often confirm His word through circumstances and other people. 

As soon as we got off the moto that day my brother said, “Let me ask you a question. Do your hands hurt?” 

Okay, okay, Lord, I heard You!!

As I take this truth with me each day I am finding myself both challenged and excited . I'm being challenged to let go of some of the ideas that I thought had become such valuable strategies of safety so I can see how ever present and constant He is.  It's exciting because I'm finding myself looking at some things with a new perspective, one that allows me to ask Him to show me how He's protecting me and how He wants me to partner with Him as I step out take risks . It's exciting because the more I listen for how He wants to do things together the more I'm able to see His goodness.

As you face your next challenge I encourage you to ask Him to show you where He is and how He wants you to partner with His strategy . If it's His strategy, it'll be worth the risk!