Redefining Tradition

Tradition: beliefs or ways of doing things that are passed from generation to generation.

The season of November and December is one that carries much meaning and sentiment, especially in America.  I grew up in a city that would be decorated for Christmas even before Thanksgiving, a city that spent lots of money to put a giant Christmas tree on display and a city where the weather usually matched what gets sung about in Christmas songs on the radio.  The traditions of the holiday season were always alive and well in the stores, on street corners and even as you rode on public transportation. There was an anticipation in the air about gift buying and receiving, parties to host and attend and reconnecting with loved ones who would have some spare time from work or school.

We had traditions at home when I was a kid as we celebrated Christmas along with everyone else.  I didn’t know anything about church or God until I was 13 but that didn’t stop us from being part of the Christmas traditions of society.  I had my picture taken with Santa, I would watch candy canes melt in my hot chocolate (I mean, that’s totally christmasy!) and we would get a real pine tree, put it in our house and decorate it! My family took part in the traditions and I looked forward to December….

Until those things began to stop…  

We didn’t stop because I grew out of it or because we decided to become some kind of religious or because we moved to a place where there was no snow… 

We stopped because one year adults fought with each other, pushing and shoving until a daughter accidentally poured boiling water on her hands.  We stopped because one year a stepdad shoved the Christmas tree out a window.  We stopped because one year a father threw batteries at a 3 year old son’s head. We stopped because drugs are a powerful force when people don’t call on Jesus for help. 

And then as I grew older I began to fear and even hate the word tradition.  Friends would talk about what their families were going to do together and I smiled for the while inside I screamed that it was unfair.  Others would share about what gifts they were going to buy for family members or what they were hoping to receive and I would act excited while really I was in so much pain, grieving for what I once had and what I thought would always be.  

And now here I sit in a country where more than 95% of the population doesn’t know Jesus yet many stores decorate for Christmas, the carols are heard in English on the radio in coffee shops and gifts will be exchanged.  And… I have a Christmas tree in my apartment… It’s kind of become a tradition for me…

The first year I decorated this tree I heard myself saying to my younger brother, “You put the star on because you’re the tallest and it’s tradition” as soon as I said it I wanted to take it back.  I wanted nothing to do with the thought of things that stay the same.  I was too scared that maybe I would let my heart get attached to the feeling of safety that can come with tradition.  Safety of knowing what to expect.  

I didn’t take my words back that day though and as I have spent time with Jesus talking about these things during the past few Christmas seasons He has calmed my fears and has helped me redefine tradition.  For those of us who come from less than healthy homes there is a tendency to push away from things that healthy families do.  Until we experience healing we’re not quite sure how to respond in moments where things feel like they are tradition for someone else.  Over the years I’ve been invited into quite a few families traditions and each situation gave me a little bit more solid ground to stand on as I sought healing.  

With the help of Holy Spirit I’ve been able to redefine the word tradition.  Instead of taking my cues from what society around me has told me it is I am now able to work out what it means for me… I like what we’ve come up with! I now see tradition as ways of doing things and beliefs that are passed down from year to year with the freedom to change, grow and develop as God leads.  This still allows me to hold seasons, celebrations, moments with loved ones close to my heart. I still experience the excitement of looking forward to specific things that will happen. There's so much safety because I trust God with each season. And, I’m allowed the freedom to be okay when things change which is actually fun because some changes are great and should be celebrated and not mourned!  

This has become really important to me as a still single missionary and as someone whose biological family hasn’t come into their places in His kingdom yet. While I’ve been living in Cambodia for the past 7+ years it’s only been during the past 3 that I’ve been creating traditions of my own.  They are the small things that make me smile as they happen.  Things like wearing snowflake earrings in December, sharing the best things in life with people around me and even the tallest person putting the star on a Christmas tree.  

During this Christmas season may you embrace the traditions that you have.  Maybe you’ll spend it with lots of family gathered in one place.  Maybe you’ll spend with just a few you love.  Maybe you’re in a brand new place and haven’t built traditions yet, start with something small and work from there.  Maybe you haven’t begun asking Holy Spirit to heal some hurt places that tell you to run from tradition…it’s okay, say simple prayers inviting Him to do what He wants because I can promise you that His ways are good and kind and gentle (Psalm 119:68)

Uncontrolled Safety

Safety occurs for a person when they are protected from danger, risk or injury.  Some people value safety more than others do, I am one of them!  I also enjoy adventure, though... new experiences that have been survived become anchors of of trust in the God who cares for me as well as fun stories and memories to share! 

As someone who is legally blind what I've incorporated into my life is a system of discovering strategies that make me feel safe for various situations. For example, when I’m walking with someone in a place that I’m not familiar with I make sure to be very careful that they are always one step ahead of me so I can feel when we’re going to go up or down.  I have also become very good at making a mental map of new places so that when I go a second time I have a good idea of what the layout is (this fails me fairly often in the developing, ever changing obstacle course that is Phnom Penh...).  Another strategy is that when someone is guiding me and it’s their first time I make sure to tell them not to be afraid as I declare the truth that I trust Jesus with my life and physical safety and hopefully this eases their nerves but it certainly reminds me where my trust belongs. 

While living in Cambodia there are literally opportunities for new adventures every week, if not every day! One of my favorites has been riding on “moto’s” with friends who drive. And, to be quite honest, in the beginning I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this perceived craziness. I had never once in my life ridden on any type of motorcycle or scooter and had zero desire to begin in chaotic Phnom Penh traffic. Nothing about it felt safe to me and I reasoned that, while I do trust God and enjoy the feeling of accomplishing something new, He has also given me wisdom to use. 

After being surrounded by the Phnom Penh traffic for about four months I reconsidered and decided to be brave and began to ride moto’s. It has actually become my preferred method of transportation for 90% of occasions because they get places way faster than cars or tuktuks. I even enjoy riding in the rain which, I think, is because when you’re the one simply riding you don’t have to pay attention to the road so I get to joyfully ride under the waterfall!  

Over the years I've discovered a few strategies that help me feel safe when I ride moto’s. I never ever ride side saddle, I only ride with people I know and I hold on to the metal bar that is on the back of most scooters that people drive here. This holding on part is the most important for me. It makes me feel secure. I can’t see the road in front of us so I can’t anticipate bumps or even turns so when the unexpected happens (about every 15 feet here) I can quickly grab that bar and steady myself. 

I absolutely love when something that seemed so frightening and impossible becomes a normal part of life. Such victory! 

This all moved to a whole new level about three years ago when one of my brothers (who is also one of the people I ride with most often) got a new moto. This one was way bigger than his old one- I can’t touch the ground with my feet when I climb up on it (yes, I am short but still…)! The seat is not as long and the worst part… there’s no metal bar for stability! 

It looked giant and unfriendly when compared with what I was used to

i’m sure you can guess that it didn’t take very long though for me to want to overcome this. I reluctantly got on the back of his moto and he said, “okay, hold onto my shoulders”. Nope. Not me. I want more stability than your shoulders.  I’m used to having my hands on the moto so I found a way to get my fingers under the seat and I gripped the inside for dear life. And this is how I rode his moto for the past nearly 3 years.  In a very kind gesture he usually drives much slower when I’m with him than he would otherwise. 

Each time we arrive at our destination my fingers are red, calloused and blistered. They sting for a good while after each ride. Sometimes when we would go over big bumps my hand would get caught between the wheel well and the seat as they bounced together from the impact. My brother would notice and regularly would say, “just hold on to my shoulders”. And I would protest that it was no big deal and that I felt safer holding on to the moto. Then we would go on with life until the next time I rode on his moto. 

He’s married now and his wife has a cute little scooter that happens to be my favorite to ride these days! So sometimes when he’s just giving me a ride home from somewhere he’ll even drive her moto because we all know how I feel about riding his. Still, there are plenty of days when I ride with him on that giant, unfriendly moto. 

About two weeks ago after I got off the moto the typical routine of looking at my red, stinging hands for a few seconds occurred while he parked and again he said, “just hold on to my shoulders” and again I shook my head and explained that I felt safer holding on to the moto. 

The next time we go on the moto he said it before we went anywhere. 

“But, what if I pull you, like this?” as I pulled on his shoulders like I imagined I would if we hit a bump. “Or this?” As I pushed him forward. Even as I was doing those things though I was surprised at how stable he was, how centered he was. His actual verbal response though was not as convincing as he looked back at me and said, “I don’t know. We've both never done this before so I guess we’ll find out”. Yeah, in the moment that was not helping me feel safe even if it was his own declaration of trusting God. 

So, I took a (very) deep breath and tentatively put one hand on his shoulder while I kept the other on the back of the moto. I quickly realized that this was not going to work well. I gathered all the courage I could find in myself that afternoon and put both hands on his shoulders. As we drove I was just imagining the next moment would be the moment that I go flying off the moto, it was like when I first began riding. And then, he picked up speed. We were all of a sudden going faster than we had gone before. I bit my tongue on the back of that moto and did not ask him to slow down… maybe, just maybe, he was driving faster because he felt more confident driving this way.… As I rode, keeping all of my cautious, controlling thoughts in my head or just on the tip of my tongue but not allowing them to be voiced; I noticed that I began to feel peace… 

It was as if God was literally calming all the nervousness in me with His presence. We were going faster than before, I was not holding on to the moto and yet…. I began to loosen my white knuckled fingers and my knees that were braced for being knocked off the moto. 

And I heard the Father ask me, “Are you in pain? Do your hands hurt?” I quietly thought about it and in my heart I whispered a slightly embarrassed, “No, my hands don’t hurt at all”. He continued, “Do you feel safe riding with your brother whose ability to drive this moto has not changed at all? Do you still trust Me to care for your physical safety?” Another sheepish response as I told Him, “Oh, I get it… I let go of my idea of what was keeping me safe and here You are being so faithful to show me that the things that were keeping me safe had nothing to do with my own efforts to hold on to this moto…. In fact, my efforts were causing me pain…” I immediately remembered Psalm 121:7-8 “The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore”. 

Um, yeah…. That will preach to me for months. 

I am always telling God that I’m so grateful for the gift He gives through confirmation. He doesn’t have to confirm anything to us. He can just tell us one time and that’s it. But, He’s so kind that He will often confirm His word through circumstances and other people. 

As soon as we got off the moto that day my brother said, “Let me ask you a question. Do your hands hurt?” 

Okay, okay, Lord, I heard You!!

As I take this truth with me each day I am finding myself both challenged and excited . I'm being challenged to let go of some of the ideas that I thought had become such valuable strategies of safety so I can see how ever present and constant He is.  It's exciting because I'm finding myself looking at some things with a new perspective, one that allows me to ask Him to show me how He's protecting me and how He wants me to partner with Him as I step out take risks . It's exciting because the more I listen for how He wants to do things together the more I'm able to see His goodness.

As you face your next challenge I encourage you to ask Him to show you where He is and how He wants you to partner with His strategy . If it's His strategy, it'll be worth the risk!  

Make Steel My Gaze

I need to say from the very beginning that this is not about politics, it is about my heart. This is not meant to compare, resolve or belittle, it is my journey and I post it in hopes of encouraging others to seek Him more...

During the past three weeks there have been a few situations, both in Cambodia and America-and, actually a few other countries, too!- that have left me with a feeling of heart brokenness that I haven't experienced in a few months. It's this feeling of sorrow and a desire for things to be different than they are. It's a feeling of wanting to comfort the hurting, wanting to soothe the pain, wanting so desperately to make it all okay for the ones going through hard things.

My definition of "make it all okay" does not mean the simple and actually shallow solution of solving the problem, making the "bad guys" go away or ignoring the reality of pain. When I think of wanting to "make it all okay" what I mean is that I long to help others keep their gaze on Jesus. I have learned time and time again that when I'm centered on Him there is no storm that can conquer me.

I remember when I was a 16 year old watching the on the news as they told about another 16 year old being shot in school because she said she believed in Jesus... I kept my gaze on Him as I went to school every day hoping the metal detectors at the front door would do their job.

I remember when Muslim friends were mocked and even spit on at school and I had to choose to keep my gaze on Him as I stood with them... I was much more afraid for them than for myself. I knew it wasn't right what was happening to them.

I remember going to school one morning and realizing that one of the adults at home had hidden their drugs in my jacket pocket... That was the very day the police brought their drug sniffing dogs... I kept my gaze on Him, I trusted He had a plan...

I remember other students in college telling me that I wasn't healed because of... well, they had lots of reasons that they believed.... I kept my gaze on Him though it was blurry from tears... I sought His voice over and over and over again.

I remember when I was part of a team of people who helped put an 8 year old girl in a shelter for girls who were sexually exploited only to have to watch her be lawfully returned to that unsafe situation three months later... I kept my gaze on Him even as my fists pounded in anger.

I remember traveling alone in an airport when as the airport staff member guided me through the crowds she said, "They should just stop letting people like this travel..."... I kept my gaze on Him even then as I responded sharply but didn't choose to take it out on every airport staff member.

I don't say these things because I think I have all the answers. I don't.

I say them because I need to remind myself of what happens when I keep my gaze on Him. As the world seems to get worse and worse day by day I need to encourage myself to make steel my gaze on Him.
Jesus is the One who is always steady.

He is not changed by what we as broken humans put each other through.

This song has been one that has helped me keep steel my gaze on Jesus through the years...
"When I'm overwhelmed and doubts abound,
when I've lost all heart and the will to fight,
when despair sets in and my day is night...
Lift up my head, make steel my gaze....
Whenever I'm tired and I feel alone,
when oppression mounts and trials come,
when the father of lies, his arrows fly,
when there are no answers...
Lift up my head, make steel my gaze..."

Unlikely Missiles

I remember a time during my freshman year of college, I was 18, when the campus pastor who I thought was insane, prayed for me during a mandatory chapel service…. Well, sort of mandatory… I mean, it was mandatory because I had to make up for the actual required chapels I had skipped during the week…. 

Right, so the crazy campus pastor prayed for me and in his prayer he said that my prayers would be like missiles in the darkness, he said that I was like a secret weapon that God was getting ready to launch…. Who, me? I’m 18 and came from the projects….my family is involved in all the illegal things you see in the movies, I am only on this Christian college campus Monday morning through Friday morning because I travel two and half hours each way every weekend to go home and make sure my mom and younger brothers are still alive and not in jail. So…. Sorry about that, but I think you’ve got the wrong warrior in mind. 

It turns out though that he really wasn’t crazy at all… he was just the first to see and declare what God had put in me. And, I liked the idea of having power against darkness so I hung onto the word. And I began to attempt to fight the darkness that I could see around me. I fought hard, I put my everything into the fighting, every battle I saw in front of me became my focus. There were some problems though- I didn’t have any training, I did it all alone and I had serious tunnel vision so I could only see a very limited battlefield. I didn’t understand the battle strategy and I didn’t know that I was part of a larger army. 

Every time I engaged in fighting it was with the goal of keeping my mom and brothers safe and happy. I used every bit of strength I had to make sure they had food to eat, I said yes to every request to borrow money, I looked the other way every time my money, possessions, ATM card went missing, I would give every loose coin I had so they could buy drugs from home instead of going out and stealing to get them… I felt really good about all of this. I was fighting the evil in their lives, I was protecting them! 

I had no idea for a long time that I was actually contributing on the wrong side. I was using my own strength and helping the enemy keep his grip on my family and even as I did that he was beating me up at the same time. 

Then I began to hear the voice of God telling me how He loved me, telling me He loved my family even more than I did and telling me that it was not my job to rescue them… He had already paid that price and my job was only to love them in His direction so they could see His love for themselves instead of letting them see my own efforts. 

I began to relax, I began to rest a bit. I began to learn about what it means to be part of God’s strategic battle plan. Then, I began to raise my weapons again but this time with much more purpose, with much more focus and with much more understanding that I was fighting as part of a larger army that had certainty of victory. I began to fight in a very different way. 

I fought for loved ones with prayers, 

I fought for the hopeless with the pure joy found in hope, 

i fought for the lonely with my presence. 

I fought for the grieving ones with my tears alongside theirs. 

I fought for the ones who are misunderstood with empathy. 

I fought for the hurting with love. 

i fought for the fearful with courageous Truth. 

i fought for the unseen with my voice. 

I fought for the lost with His word, 

I fought for the needy with generosity…. 

i still fight like this today and will continue to tomorrow. 

Lately, i’m discovering something I neglected to fight for, I even neglected to recognize it was a need. It's becoming more and more clear that I need to learn the strategy of fighting for ME. Fighting for healing. 

Satan has been throwing punches….actually, more like bullets….since before I was even born. My mom was 17 when I was born and she had two abortions before me then I was born three months early… See? Bullets since before I was born. But, God already has the victory and I fight on His side now. As I fight though there are times when He asks me to stop for a bit so I can regain my strength from Him, so I can allow Him to heal the wounded places because…. 

Wounds that have been healed carry authority with them to speak of the Healer. 

Wounds that have been healed offer confidence in the Healer even as we’re in the middle of new battles. 

Wounds that have been healed offer proof that we fight on the right side. 

Wounds that have been healed offer evidence that the Healer can be trusted. 

Wounds that have been healed carry wisdom to be shared with the hurting. 

Wounds that have been healed speak louder than lies that look like protection. 

Wounds that have been healed soften armor so love can get in. 

Wounds that have been healed break chains that we didn’t even know were there. 

Wounds that have been healed look like rescue for the lost. 

Wounds that have been healed bring defeat straight into the enemy’s camp. 

Wounds that have been healed change pain into persevering victory. 

Wounds that have been healed give honor to His death for our freedom. 

Wounds that have been healed shoot missiles right in the center of darkness.

He’s showing me really specific areas from my past where I agreed with the enemy without even knowing what I was doing…. I believed so many lies that wounded me. No more though. I was created to be a missile in the darkness. I was born to bring His victory, His glory to this earth for such a time as this. I will choose bravery as He shows me the deepest wounds and heals them with His love through His presence, His word and His people. 

God Keeps Me Alive, Not My Independence

This is the third of those truths I've had stuck in my head for a while...
God keeps me alive, not my independence.
I am learning how this phrase is actually very empowering but, the reality is that most of the time the practical day to day living it out doesn't feel very uplifting.

There are moments when I have to make such a conscious choice (am I the only one who feels like living the life of following Jesus with your whole heart means that everyday is FULL of intentional choices???) about if I'm going to do e-v-e-r-ything in my own power or if I'll let God be, oh I don't know, God....

People with physical limitations often take on identities of either incapable or super independent. not necessarily because we want only one or the other of those but, it's rare to be seen by others in a normal, medium ground kind of way.  Typically, either people think they should applaud for every breath a person with a disability breathes because it's "so inspiring" or people just tell us about all the things we can accomplish that we haven't yet because they want to encourage us. It's few people, usually the ones closest to us, who can just let life be life.

I've been realizing lately that I grew up in a home where I was never treated differently because of my lack of sight, I was always expected to do all the things my peers were doing even if the way I did those things looked different (um, for example, I rode a skateboard on my stomach pushing myself along with my hands. Yep, I was a pretty rough 7 year old) I was still expected to participate. Most of the time, I'm really grateful for this. I know that it has helped me accomplish things in my life that would not have been possible if I thought for a second that I couldn't.

Aaaannnndd, well, I'm also learning that this way of doing things has also caused me to build some walls I mean like really high and really thick walls.

I was never given boundaries. I was never told it was okay if I didn't want to do something. I was never told that if I got hurt doing something I didn't have to keep doing it. In many ways even though I felt very capable I wasn't protected.

That's kind of a big deal when Jesus comes and says, "Let's talk about the fact that it is Me who chose you and it is Me who kept you alive..."
Because what I want to reply is something like this, "Uh-uh, it wasn't! I learned how to keep myself alive, thank You very much."

Here's the thing though, I lived through some pretty insane things as a kid.... things that involved drug deals in our house, guns pointed at people, grown ups hitting, punching, kicking each other, thieves climbing in windows in the middle of the night.... and all the normal stuff of going to school as a kid with a disability which meant dealing with other kids whose parents never taught them how to treat people who are different than you.

And, so I have felt a very strong sense of independence
Don't misunderstand, I do believe there is a healthy amount of knowing you are capable and being confident. What I'm learning to let go of right now though is the sense of "I can take care of me all by myself".

And THAT is what feels vulnerable.

it means choosing to trust that God will put people in my path who want to help.
it means choosing to trust that God sees all of my needs.
it means learning to communicate my needs with Him and with His people in new ways.
it means admitting my own needs to myself.
it means slowing down enough to see that sometimes boundaries are for my protection.
it means believing that God wants to protect me not because He doesn't believe in my abilities but because He doesn't want to see me have to go through pain....

So, I'm saying it over and over and over again... "God keeps me alive, not my independence. God keeps me alive, not my independence. God keeps me alive, not my independence...."

In the few moments when I really let myself fall back into that statement, be carried by it, it feels really nice to be seen and known and protected by Him... I want more of that. I want more of recognizing how valuable I am to Him, how much He longs to protect me because He doesn't like to see me hurt.... As a believer who has a noticeable disability (let's face it, everyone has areas of life where they don't quite measure up to the standard, everyone has abilities that they are not so good at...it's just not as noticeable as some others are) it is a relief to be able to know that God wants me alive, keeps me protected, knows my needs, sends His people (angels?) at the right times AND also loves it when I accomplish things that are hard or scary. It's for His glory. And, my friends, that  makes it worth it for me. If He is glorified through protecting me, through keeping me alive, through allowing His body to rise up and siep into their fullness...then, okay, I'll be vulnerable and I'll recognize some of those new looking boundaries. 

Deep Inside This Armor...

This week has been a rough one. I've been thinking about loved ones who haven't heard His voice of love over them yet, they haven't decided to turn their lives in the direction of True Home, the one place where they will be accepted even before they repent and where Love never fails to bring healing and restoration. They. haven't yet seen the face of mercy or experienced the embrace that will compel them give their lives over so they can receive His promises.

And, can I just be honest and tell you that it hurts so very much to know what they're missing out on? I keep thinking that while I wait there will be a day when it doesn't hurt but....
Yes, there are days when life gets busy and responsibilities take priority and on those days the pain isn't as strong but.... then there are also days when all I can do is think about them.... the ones I grew up with, we lived together until I was 15, we survived through the same things before I knew Jesus. We created rituals that we called "ours"... sometimes we shared group hugs like the genie in Aladdin, sometimes we warmed up sweet iced tea in the microwave because we all liked it that way, sometimes we went to the grocery store already knowing who would be responsible for stealing what because it was how we always did it.... Yeah, some of the rituals we called "ours" weren't at all healthy, but we didn't know any better and they were the only security we had...

I've learned more of who I am in the Kingdom of Light, the Kingdom where God created me to be....
where we were all created to be.
I've grabbed on more tightly to the belief that it is only because Jesus lives that I have life...
because Jesus lives we all have life. 
I've begun to understand that my own strength will never be enough because only His blood has power to speak in my defense...
only His blood has power to speak in defense for all of us.
I've allowed myself to be loved, really, truly loved by Jesus and by His people because His love is the only thing that truly satisfies my soul...
His love is the only thing that truly satisfies every soul.
I've begun forgiving myself and others for some of the awful things that happened when I was little because He chose to live and die so I could be restored in my relationship with Father and I won't let His death be wasted....
He chose to live and die so each one of us could be restored in right relationship with Father.

And, now, this time around with the pain, I'm recognizing more of what the heartache is. The heartache is that I know so well what they are missing out on.... And it hurts more than anything I can explain. And sometimes, like this past week, I cry a lot, I let all the pain be heard and seen and felt. I end up exhausted. I end up feeling like I can't breathe because of how I can see the deception they live in. I end up pounding my fists on the floor, wailing into pillows and losing my voice because I know it doesn't have to be this way.

And then, after the pain has had its moment....
I can stand again.
I can put the armor God has given back on,
I can take steps forward with my hope fixed on Jesus. 
My hope steady because He has a plan. 
My hope anchored because as much as I love them and long for them to be healthy and alive in Him I know He loves them EVEN MORE FIERCELY. 
He longs for them even more than I do.
I know because I have spent life with them, I have survived with them, I have held onto them but, He desired to create them. He brought them into existence.  So, as much I feel for them I know He feels even more and that gives me confidence that He is fighting for them, too.

This is a really old song but the words hold deep meaning for me. This week, I had to drop my sword and cry for just a while because deep inside this armor the warrior really is just a child...

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=MCf3IVUSDss

I'm Loved Not Pitied

I know, I posted that blog about the 5 phrases quite a few weeks ago and I'm just now getting back to it.... But, I am getting back to it, that counts for follow through!

The second phrase is this, "I'm loved, not pitied" and actually I wrote about this once here and another time I wrote a list of the ways I've seen this practically in my daily life.

This time though.... I find myself wrestling with it. I feel like I'm the rope in a tug of war game and the two teams are love and pity.



My brain is full of memories from my past that disproved love from some of the people who were meant to be the very ones to teach me what love looked like. They had their own experiences in life that showed them abandonment, rejection, exploitation instead of love. So, it really is only fair for me to say here that they taught me what they knew.

My heart is becoming stronger and stronger each day as it grows roots in God's love. As my heart grows stronger it pulls harder in that important tug of war match. I read His words over and over and over again... "I have loved you with an everlasting love..." (Jer. 31:3), "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" (Matt. 7:11), "This, then, is how you should pray: Our Father in Heaven..." (Matt. 6:9), "For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God" (Rom. 8:14)

Those are all such good, powerful promises and declarations, aren't they???
I think they are. I... think..... they...... are.....?  This is where the battle happens for me. These verses are not about love in general. They are about a Father loving His child.

These verses (and many others like them) stand right in the face of the lie that says people pity me because I wasn't loved in the way a daughter should be loved.... the lie that says I stand exposed and vulnerable so everyone can see the lack and they pity me.... the lie that says because I was rejected by my father and my stepfather I can't possibly be worth loving... satan tried real hard for many years to show me through all kinds of actions that I'm not worth loving, I'll only be pitied.... I believed him for a very long time....

But, the Truth.....the Truth is taking root! I've called the lies what they are, I've read God's word for myself, I've heard His word declared over me by ones who do love me, I've seen Jesus show me His love through His death on a cross when He deserved Life....

And, God is providing opportunity after opportunity after opportunity for me to choose to believe His love for me through very real circumstances and people in my life. And, that makes sense to me. If satan can deceive people into causing others to believe they are broken, worthless, pitied, unlovable.... then of course God's glory can shine through His people when they show others that they are whole, valuable, important, cared for, loved....

So, yep... It's a constant phrase these days... I'm loved, not pitied.  The more I say it, the more I believe it, the stronger the Truth pulls.

It's New and It's Good

The first of the five phrases that keep playing over and over in my mind, the truth getting stuck in my head  that I feel like I can share with you and make some sense out of is this one, "It's new and it's good."

These flowers are new and they're very good :-) 

A few months ago I was sending text messages with a dear mentor and friend who lives all the way on the other side of the world from where I am, but this friend is so good at continuing to track with what's going on in my life and my heart so when we get the chance to talk it's as if we saw each other last week. I'm blessed and grateful to have such people in my life. On the occasion that this phrase came up I was beginning a new teaching season with new students (hoping they would enjoy the curriculum I've developed and feeling a bit nervous about so much Khmer speaking after a 3 month break from teaching!), had just started working with my new personal assistant (and was praying that we would build a good rapport with each other), my good friend and roommate for the past 2 years had just made the decision about going back to America (and I was already missing her and trusting that God will provide either a new roommate or that He will help me get everything He has for me out of a season of not having a roommate) and I was beginning to drink deeply from the Truth of my identity in God's kingdom like I never had before (which has come with some heavy resistance from the enemy...).

I was typing things like this, "It's just so new and I don't know what to expect and I'm scared and I feel so out of control and I don't know how to do it right and I want to go back to the way things used to be but not really and I'm still scared..." I was more uncertain about things than I've been in years. I found myself up against GIANTS that I'd never had to face before and it left me scared, desperate and in need of God's voice like I've never been before.

"It is new. It is all so new and unknown." my wise and sweet friend replied, "and... it is good, too".

And during the pause after I read those words my spirit was able to calm everything else in me. Because when we feed our spirit Truth then it can do what it was made to do which is live fully alive, in abundance, dependent on Him to guide and give peace that surpasses all understanding. Romans 8:5-6, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what the sinful nature desires; but those who live according to the Holy Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Holy Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace."

"...and it is good, too." Yes. It is. Everything God does is for His glory and our good. I remembered, then, some of the other seasons of "new" I've come through with God and was able to see that now when I look back on those times I can recognize how He was glorified through them and how they benefited me in growing closer to Him, continuing to become more like Jesus and being able to trust Him more and more and more....

Fast forward to right now, today I had that phrase cross my mind a few times...
-God is using people in my life to show me what His love looks like in ways I've never ever experienced before... it's new and it's good because I'm recognizing Him in ways I've never seen Him before and as I see His love through them and am able to call it love and not pity it flows to some deep, deep places in me that have never experienced His love and I am changed, I am healed and I am filled with the fruit of His Spirit in those places.
-Some deep, deep wounds are being healed by God's love... it's new and it's good because as wounds receive healing I can walk in confidence, in freedom, in joy-those things reflect His glory and I like them a lot!
-Another season of not having a roommate has begun... it's new and it's good because I'm learning even more about what community with others looks like and what communion with Him looks like.
-I've begun a season of replacing some old things (spiritually, emotionally, even materially) with new ones... it's new and it's good because I want all He has for me so I'll let go of the old (okay, reality is that sometimes I'm very reluctant to let go, pray for me that my grip gets looser) and receive the new.
-Upcoming plans to visit America are different then they've ever been during the past 7 years... it's new and it's good because I'm discovering more and more about how to take each little step with Him instead of having to have the whole thing planned out in my mind.
-The church that I not only attend but also work with has just moved into an incredible new location! There are so many opportunities to build relationships with people who don't know Jesus yet and it's going to be lots of fun to watch God's plan unfold in that place. It's also a totally new physical environment that I cannot navigate on my own and in reality probably won't get to a point where I can simply because of things that move every  hour like motos, people and plastic stools in the aisles. Me and Jesus are finding the good in this part of it too because I know He has good in every part of my life.

And.... Here's the part where I take a deep breath..... This needs to be my new "normal". The one thing that is going to stay the same forever is God.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). As long as I'm following Him, committed to hearing His voice about decisions I make, then I can be confident that every time I face something new it will also be something good. I can be confident.

We. Can. Be. Confident.                                                                                          

Things are new and they're really good.
Things have been new and they've been so good.
Things will be new and they'll be even better.

And, I'll keep reminding myself of His goodness in the past so I can go forward with confidence. I'll keep letting His love reach the places it needs to (and I'll keep learning to say "sorry" when I'm not so good at it...so I can actually receive what He's giving through His family), I'll keep fighting for the Truth and I'll humbly receive help when I need it.... Because I know that God will help me in ways that will probably be new but will certainly be good.   

What about you? Is God doing anything "new and good" in your life? Keep your heart open so you can look for the good and find it when He reveals it. God always does good things but, maybe it's not new, maybe you know His ways; and every time He responds in the good way you know He will it's a sweet reminder for you of who He is....celebrate those things, my friends, celebrate them!

Getting Truth Stuck In My Head

Have you ever had a song stuck in your head? Or, maybe it's been even worse than that and you've had a jingle from a tv commercial stuck in your head? Some people tell me that when they have lyrics sticking around for a while it is helpful to actually sing the whole song, listen to the whole song or watch the commercial and then it will be done with. But, that just doesn't happen for me! Although, to be honest, I don't usually try singing the song because that would not be pleasant for anyone besides Jesus :-)

Sometimes words get stuck in my brain like that, just words though, there's no music to go with them. The enemy of my life, and yours -Satan, really likes to use this tool against me because he knows that our beliefs are effected by our thoughts so he tries to get us to focus on thoughts that are not beneficial for our lives. And, the longer I walk with Jesus the more I'm learning how to fight back.

God created all wisdom though so this strategy actually belongs to Him and us. That's why studying, meditating on and memorizing the Bible is so important in our spiritual lives. It's a tool God has given us that we can use to push back the evil one. God must absolutely love it when we get His Truth stuck in our minds!

Some of the words of Truth that God, and His family have helped me fight for

Recently I've had 5 phrases that are on repeat in my mind and they came from God.  They began in November last year. I'm going to tell you what they are now but, I'll give you details about them in other posts. So, can you all be patient with me as I continue to figure out what they really mean? I'll tell you more when I can. It'll be worth the wait, God has promised me that.

Take a deep breath.... Here are the 5:
"It's new and it's good."
"I'm loved, not pitied."
"God kept me alive because He chose me and He set me apart, not independence."
"The truth about family is that it is built out of two way relationships."
"I'm a daughter."

Okay, so for me those are actually rather intense declarations. Like full of meaning, full of transformation for everything about the way I live my life. That's why I can only try to tell you about one at a time. Oh yeah, that and the fact that I'm discovering new things about each of those E.V.E.R.Y single day right now.

I know that they came from God, but it is a serious war to hang onto them. Each of them runs through my mind at least 3 times a day and each time I have to decide if I will hold onto the Truth in it or if I'll just let it fall to the ground.  Some days it takes a lot of effort to grab the Truth and hold on.

Sometimes.... it's not easy at all. During those times I'm distracted by the enemy or I've heard one too many lies whispered in my ear and not rejected them or I've been reminded through something during the day that independence and pride feel really good or the not fully healed parts of the unloved, unprotected, unheard kid in me tries to be the boss...

But, God is so good, so kind, so patient, so fiercely on our side that He knows exactly what we need AND He gives it to us! So, the Holy Spirit brings to remembrance the Truth I've heard, the Truth I've seen, the Truth I'm learning (John 14:26).

He does this 

through Bible reading, 

through prayer, 

through family, 

through friends, 

through mentors, 

through sermons, 

through movies, 

through Facebook posts.... 

God uses any way He wants to send those Truths my way lately and then it crosses my mind multiple times a day. Sometimes, I'm awesome at grabbing it, I take hold and don't let go, I know I need it and I am humbly positioned to take it! Those are sweet moments. 

Lord, help us to recognize the many ways You send Your Truth and then show us how to grab onto it with everything we have! Help us to quickly reject the lies, help us to humbly receive the Truth and help us to allow others to fight alongside us so that we may be able to join the fight for them when they need it, too.

Dreaming in Cambodia

I am posting this here because as I prepare to visit a few cities in the next few months I wanted to make sure that everyone had the most up to date information about what I am doing and what I'm hoping for this year!

Hello friends!

Merry Christmas and happy new year! It was so fun to enter all of your names in the "send to" field and think about each of you and your families and how you might be spending your holiday time this year.  I'm really very blessed to have you as part of this amazing story God is putting together with my life! 

This was my 6th Christmas in a row that I spent outside of the US (5 in Cambodia and 1 in India)! Cambodia has become a home in so many ways but, I think since I grew up in New York I'll always miss the cold weather, hot chocolate and fancy decorations that I always associated with November-January... If you're around such things, enjoy them a bit more for me, too!

2016 has been FULL of so many new things and experiences as it was my first year working with NewLife Fellowship teaching with their internship program. I can tell you with confidence that I LOVE my job! God's plan and timing of transition for me has turned out to bring so many new reasons for joy and fulfillment. I look forward to teaching each class I have (they're between 4 students to 29 students depending on the day and subject) and am always praying, "Lord, please let this lesson, these words and this time together change these students forever as they discover more of You." 

It's also wonderful that I get to keep my relationships with HPC Khmer staff and foreigners, they'll always be part of my life :-) 

I want you all to know that I am immensely encouraged by your prayers for me.  The fruit of them is evident in the favor I've built with Khmer friends, the amazing protection I've experienced from both sickness and harm as well as the ways that I've been so abundantly blessed so that I am able to give to others and even run my own course and not have to ask the Khmer church here for finances.  I really am blessed to be a blessing as Abraham was and it's a privilege to do so here. THANK YOU!!!

As i look ahead to 2017 I'm really excited about all of the opportunities I can see God putting in front of me:

-I have hired a personal assistant. Her name is Sokchea and she was one of my students last year.  She helps me develop Curriculum and teach 3 and a half days per week and the other 2 days she helps me with things that are super hard for a visually impaired person to do on their own in Phnom Penh (grocery shopping, paying bills, buying supplies for teaching, going to various places for meetings...).  She has known Jesus for a little over 2 years, is the first in her family to begin following Him and I LOVE having the opportunity to invest in her in such a personal way! 

-I have begun (once every two months) translating sermons at my church from Khmer to English! So, any time there are English speakers in our church services I am the one preaching the sermon for them! This is SO challenging and keeps both me and my amazing Khmer teacher on our toes!!! 

-I would like to take Sokchea to a conference about spiritual revival in Asia this January in Thailand.  It will be her first time out of Cambodia!!! The cost for her travel, lodging and conference attendance will come to $600.

-I am co-leading a small group of Khmer young adults at church with the purpose of getting to know God and each other. This is the first small group of this focus and I love being part of their lives.  

-I have been in Cambodia for almost 7 YEARS (what??!!??! I know, it's been so long already...) and am strongly considering FINALLY purchasing some wooden bookshelves, a real cupboard for dishes, pots and pans (right now, I use a wicker shelf) and maybe even a couch someday :-)

-I get so excited when I think about my  students and all the ways they are going to grow and change as they experience more and more of Jesus throughout the year! 

-I am honored to be a board member for a ministry here that was started 3 and a half years ago by some of my very good Cambodian friends.  My heart, literally, leaps as I have more and more opportunities to empower and equip Khmer people to know that they have something to offer to their own people! 

-I will visit the States during 2017!!! 

There is one more thing I am dreaming about and that is being able to attend the wedding of a dear friend in America in June 2017.  I hope to be in the states beginning in April and come back to Cambodia after the wedding in June. This will mean that I will leave my responsibilities here for a while (good thing I hired a personal assistant!) and that I would need a bit of extra funding this coming year to provide for travel and other expenses while in the states during June. 

So many great things going on and lots of BIG dreams for things to come! I do need some more partners who can give financially in order to continue at the pace I'm going and to see some of these fun things He's put in my heart come to fruition. Let me know if you'd like to give on a monthly basis or as a one time donation and I'd be happy to get you the info you need! 

Please stay in touch with what is going on through my blog (www.orphan2apostle.blogspot.com) as well as the Facebook group, "Yvonne's Stories From Cambodia". I would love to hear from you so if you have any questions or encouragement don't hesitate to send a reply!

Following my Redeemer,

Yvonne Stiles 

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Following my Redeemer,