Sunsets-Written Aug. 29, 2006

Sorry everyone, but with limited Internet access it is really hard to find time to post things (or to write new things!)

I had just moved in with my good friend Amanda and had also just begun my first week of teaching at a Christian preschool. Ukraine was still very fresh in my heart and mind. This was the beginning of my life as an official adult-the first year that my life was not dictated by a schedule of classes to attend and assignments to be completed. I made sure to find time to enjoy as many sunsets as possible that year!

"I am sitting at the computer right next to the amazing floor to ceiling window in Amanda's (err, our) apartment. It's 7:40pm and I am watching the most beautiful sunset I have seen in a while. Recently I have dragged a few of my good friends on what I've begun to call 'sunset chases' because nobody seems to know where to find a good view in Kansas City. In fact, a few weeks ago a friend and I were determined to watch an amazing summer sunset, we drove and drove...and drove only to come upon a small clearing that completely devestated me. I had just assumed that there would be a body of water to watch this sunset over but, now I live in the middle of the country and there are no such luxuries. Sunset chasing is quickly becoming one of my favorite things to do, especially when it's followed by conversations that last into the night.
I love (yes, love) sunsets. Right now I am looking at the most beautiful hues of pink, purple, orange and red that I can imagine....until the next brilliant sunset that is! Tonight is exceptionally great because there are lots of clouds around to turn deep greyish-purple in the middle and be surrounded by edges of light orange. They are never the same, God always paints a brand new sunset every evening. Sunsets represent hope for me. I know, that is kind of a unique perspective (or, maybe it's not, maybe you think the same way). I really find joy in the feeling of a day completed, tasks accomplished or not accomplished. I find hope in knowing that tomorrow holds brand new opportunities. This day could have been completely wonderful or it could have been dreadfully horrible, but it's over leaving me time to either delight in the amazingness that occured or to let go of all that went wrong and hope in tomorrow. And, hey, there might not be a tomorrow and that's fine too because then there's eternity :)
While in Ukraine my favorite time of day at the orphanage was during sunset. Most of my team would be in the field playing volleyball or soccer and I would sit on the logs and watch the sun sink behind the trees. Everything felt so peaceful when that glow of evening was settled over the building and I knew that Jesus was with my kids as they prepared to go to sleep I was able to hope for my kids that tomorrow would be better, maybe that tomorrow would be one of the best days of their lives.......and now, as the sun has dissappeared, I know that they will be waking up soon and I hope that it will be better than yesterday..........
Above all, sunsets happen during the evening and I don't have to force myself out of bed at some God-forsaken hour to see them!!!!!

Sunset in Ukraine after rain

Sunset downtown Kansas City

Sunset from Amanda's back deck in midtown

Finding Solid Ground-Written Aug. 14, 2006

It always astounds me when I look back on my life and can see so clearly the wonderful ways that God has taken care of me....



"Anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys me is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse, because it is built on rock."~Jesus (Matt. 7:24-25 NLT)
I arrived back in Kansas City last Thursday night. When the plane had landed I sat there for about ten minutes before I got off just wondering to myself what in the world I had done. There I was, getting off a plane that had landed in the middle of the country. I had nowhere to call my own, nowhere to unpack my suitcases, lots of uncertainty about getting around on my own and a job that I feel as unprepared for as possible!
Sounds insane to say the least, doesn't it?
I know that I have been able to withstand the torrents and floodwaters in the past, but now I am faced with strong winds of a different kind. Instead of physical danger and lack of physical necessities I am confronted with the dangers of hiding and not being fully known. It would be very simple and comfortable for me to keep my heart guarded with my life as I'm so accustomed to doing.
Last night I was faced with the question, "What do you need from God and your group of friends here in Kansas City?". The thing that came to mind almost immediately (that's how I know it's God, He likes me to say the thimgs that come to mind quickly without rationalizing them away and I'm pretty sure I made Him happy last night) was, "I need something solid, I feel like everything around me is slippery and I need some solid ground".
Today Jesus reminded of His words in Matt. 7. I will find solid ground in my lfie more and more as I choose to follow Him, include Him in my life, seek His advice and answers and then truly listen for His voice and TRUST what He says!!! I desire that my life would be built on solid rock. There are so many choices I have to make each day....
~about work (will I trust that He knows what I'm capable of and hasn't set me up for failure?)
~about my friendships (will I choose to initiate with people? Will I choose not to live out of a double standard and actually let my friends care for and love me as I love and care for them?)
~about every other thing the enemy uses to make me doubt (will I ever have an apartment? Will my family ever recieve Him? Will the orphans I left in Ukraine ever be safe and fully loved here on earth?)
Lord, would You teach me to be wise? Please show me how to build my life on solid rock. Help me to hear Your voice and then to obey when You speak. I ask for the courage to act on what You say without any of my own rationalizations.

Summer in the City-Written Aug. 1, 2006

Since I knew that I was going to be living in Kansas City for a while I took a trip back to NYC to in a sense say goodbye to some friends, family members and my home church. Some of you may not know the details of my story but when i wrote this it was more of a journaling/processing experience for me. I then decided to publish it because even though some of the things may not be pretty or may even seem too crazy to fathom, God gains glory because of how He has transformed my life, even during the past 3 years.



"I have been in New York for almost two weeks now. I must admit that I had almost forgotten what the city can be like in July and August. Here are some of the things I've been reminded of since I've been here:
***NOTE-in no way is this a broad representation of all of New York City, what you are reading are only some very specific insights into the area that my friends and family occupy.

1.) On my first night at church I was blessed enough to be given an amount of money to add to the single-digit amount I had in my pocket when I arrived in NY. This blessing quickly became a lesson in how much I'd forgotten-that night the money was stolen as I slept. No worries, the Lord has continuously provided for my every need and I have quickly reacquainted myself with the habit of NEVER leaving money farther away than I can reach.
2.) I was reminded that the NYPD shift change takes place at 2:00 AM when at a friend's house about fifteen people (all engaged in illegal activity of one kind or another) came inside at 1:35 and went back out at 2:15. The reason? Simple, at 1:40 the police begin to rush to meet their quotas of ticketing and arrests and by 2:15 it's a new shift and they dont really have to worry for another seven hours or so!
3.) Dunkin' Donuts is open 24-hours a day, seven days a week allowing me to indulge in a hazelnut iced coffee for under $3.00 anytime I want!
4.) I have been continuously reminded of how much I love my church family. These people who are so dear to me range in age from 11 months to 89 years. Jesus has truly been preparing their hearts to release me as a young woman seeking to please the Lord with my life. There have been sweet times of prayer as they pray for me and I for them, hilarious times of fellowship as they tease about me becoming a Midwesterner (aint happenin!!!) and long reminiscent talks about the things the Lord has done in all of our lives.
5.) As I search for my mom I am hit with the reality of how difficult it is to really keep contacts on the streets when I have not been here for a year.
6.) MASS TRANSIT!!!! I have been enjoying the liberty of being able to get from the Bronx to Brooklyn in 35 minutes (for those of you who dont know, that's pretty far). Seriously, I can get anywhere I want to go, when I want to go there and feel completely comfortable and confident doing so. I am really going to miss that.

There are many other things I could put here, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for you since many of them have to do with the insanities and drama of the illegal realms of the city that my family is so good at being involved in), I am at the public library and only allowed 30 minutes on the computer. Maybe I'll add some more later this week; I just need to think of the positives so anyone who reads will have a well-balanced glimpse of my life in the city."

Simple Joy-Written July 8, 2006

I wrote this just after returning from Ukraine the first time. I had just spent a month living in an orphanage where God taught me so much about myself and Himself. I arrived back in Kansas City with single digits in the bank, no place to live but, I did have a teaching job lined up to begin in late August. It was a summer full of God's provision.

"I feel really good right now. I've been back from Ukraine for a little over a week and it has proven to be a very difficult week indeed. I find myself constantly missing 'my kids' while at the same time trying to transition back into my life here. Jesus brought up some pretty intense heart issues during my time in Ukraine. As I stepped off of the plane that landed in Kansas City I felt an overwhelming sense of 'orphan-ness' that just won't seem to go away....
For the past six weeks and for the next five weeks I have been and will be living out of suitcases and backpacks in borrowed houses. I have no family in Kansas City and family in New York.....well, that's another story! My close friends whom I've known for a majority of my life are all scattered making it very difficult to communicate. My credit card is almost maxed out and my bank account is nearly non-existant. Lately I feel quite alone and misunderstood.
Why is this blog called "Simple Joy" you might be asking. I'll tell you....
On this lazy Saturday afternoon in July I find myself sitting in the middle of the Bailey's (some of the most amazing friends in the world) hammock with a bowl of cookies-n-cream ice cream and for a few blissful moments the only thing I thought about was how perfect life was right then! I did not think about all of my emotions that have been a constant tornado in my mind, I did not think about where I am going to live when I run out of friend's couches to crash on, I did not think about everything financial that looms in my future.........I sat on that hammock with their cat Bud(I could do without him being around) next to me and laughed at the simple joy of being able to enjoy some ice cream and a nice breeze!
Thank You Jesus, You enjoy blessing me with such moments of pure, childlike joy! May I never be so overwhelmed with the cares of this world that I miss one of these gifts!
Where do you find simple joy?"

Excited...? written May 25, 2006

As I re-read this I can say that it is how I'm feeling currently about moving forward with the next step that has been placed in front of me. I'm not quite excited about Swaziland...yet. And I think that's okay for now, after all, I'm not leaving in 5 days!

"If you know me in the least bit, you know that I am going to Ukraine and I leave on May 30! Yes, there is an exclamation point at the end of that sentence and that perplexes me.
I went to coffee (actually I had a smoothie and my friend had tea, so I guess we went for drinks) with a friend last night. We are both going to Ukraine and have been intensely preparing with our team for the past six months. He asked me if I was excited and I could have given him the expected response of, "oh my gosh, you have no idea!"....but that would have been lying and i value honesty.
So, I thought about it for a few seconds and said, "I guess so." not so convincing right? Why is that? Why am I not completely excited? I mean this has been something I have wanted to do, dreamed of doing for almost five years now and it's actually happening on Tuesday. I should be ecstatic, jumping for joy, unable to sleep from anticipation!!!
I'm not.
And I think I have an idea as to why. Going to Ukraine to spend an entire month with orphans is something that I let myself hope immensely for....the first time. I hoped with some sense of expectation the second time. The third time I hoped again and then told myself that I was just not meant to go to Ukraine and subsequently allowed a million rationalites as to why (otherwise known as lies) fill my mind and take root.
This time, I was more determined than ever not to hope at all. Alas, I have come to know that I am not remotely as determined as Jesus is. In the midst of finances coming in from a multitude of people known as Anonymous and as I oh so s-l-o-w-l-y allowed myself to begin to care about my team (and sometimes let them care about me) hope, ever so subtly, began to grow in my heart.
Now here I am, five days left and I am not excited. This is because right now Ukraine is still a hope. Hopes have potential to be let down.
Please don't misunderstand me, I am anticipating this trip, I have been praying for the kids for months (maybe even years), I have enjoyed thinking up plans for the best birthday party ever and I don't think there is a single conversation I have that does not involve the word Ukraine at least once!
I think that as I fulfill steps in this process that I have never fulfilled before (i.e-packing my bag, having the entire trip paid for, knowing that there is a plane ticket with my name on it) excitement builds......I just force myself to contain it...........UNTIL WE ARE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! then everyone will know I'm excited :)"

Loss-written May 12, 2006

This was written when I found out that my good friend Jenn had been taken to heaven after losing a battle with cancer....

"I lost a part of my life last Tuesday. For the past five years I knew someone who was an amazing woman. Her name was Jennifer, but everyone called her Jenn. She was one of a kind. She had the most beautiful eyes. They were always filled with joy and hope because more than anything she knew that her Jesus was real and everpresent.
She had a zeal for life that was unmatched. She loved to camp, mountain-bike, kayak...anything that had a hint of adventure to it was meant for her!
She possessed such real tenacity and dilligence. I could always count on her courseload consisting of the maximum number of credits allowable each taught by the most challenging professors. She never earned less than a B in any class.
Jenn was a fighter. She battled abandonment from a young age and came out of it with a desire for all to belong. She battled parents who never really knew her and her last words to them were that she loved them and wanted them to know that she is alive and well with Jesus.
Her greatest battle was a three and half year all out war against a cancer that she so unaffectionately named Jezebel. She endured three rounds of Chemo, each one sending her into a short lived remission.
Jenn was one of my best friends. During the past five years we have laughed together countless times! We cried together, fought with God together, shared sarcasm....sometimes a bit too much :) Two weeks ago, I had the honor of being in her company one last time.
Last Tuesday, May 9th, Jenn went to be with Jesus. She told me not to be sad, she will be in heaven and it will be truly amazing. She will have new mountains and streams to explore everyday...and for that I am grateful, I am so glad to think about her spending her 23rd birthday on May 10 with Jesus....alive and well......But, I am so sad for the loss of my friend. My heart hurts more than I thought possible. We will never have another moment together in this life, the ones we've had will have to suffice until we meet again. The tears are coming now.......again........I feel the ache of a friend lost."

Things I Haven't Done Yet

I wrote this list on April 16, 2006 during Transit...

"I was having a conversation with some friends today and the question that arose was, "what are some things in life that you haven't done yet, but really want to do someday?" That's what this blog is about, so if you're not interested in that stop reading :)
Things I haven't done yet, but will do someday:
1. Go hot-air ballooning-I think this would be so cool!
2. Go mountain biking (probably tandem style, might be safer that way!)
3. Go rock climbing and then... rapelling!
4. Learn to play an instrument (probably guitar or piano)...at least learn a little bit, I don't need expertise :)
5. Go horseback riding
6. Ice skating!!!! I used to when I was like 5 but haven't since then....
7. Hang glide....I used to use this as an excuse whenever I would twist my ankle, it sounds so much better than just saying I fell!!
8. Go canoeing....I think....not really so sure if I like the water
9. Would be so excited if I could find a way to go skiing...I'll have to look into adaptive ski places....
10. Go on an African safari!!!
There you have it, some of the many things that this girl from the cement jungle of New York City has not done and cannot wait to do!! Would you look at that? I do have an adventerous side :)"

Frustrated and Confused

Written April 2006
It is wonderful to be able to look at my hopeful and excited attitude about the surprises God allows into my life. I can only see them in this light now that I've learned over the past 3 years to trust Him more and more...

"Okay, so people want me to blog. So I'm blogging. I'm not so great at this. Unfortunately, I chose a bad time to do this, I'm not in the best of moods. I am confused and frustrated. I am confused because just when I think I know what I'm supposed to do after my trip to Ukraine God decides to throw me another curve ball. I think that He -yes, I'm assuming I know what God thinks, one of my favorite pastimes! :)- enjoys just making me wait until the absolute last second before He let's me know what He's up to in my life. I am frustrated because of this confusion and because recently I allowed God to poke around at some really painful things in my heart and now He seems to think (see, doing it again!) that He can just bring up ALL KINDS of pain and I'm not so sure that's what I agreed to. I'd much rather be simply happy with life, I'm struggling with everything in me to continue to live out of the joy and peace that is in my heart and not to let them get overwhelmed with the pain and frustration. I am fighting to remind myself that God loves me, just because, just the way I am. Right now, I am going to go to bed and praise God that His mercies are new every morning. Tomorrow will be better!"

Stirred to Compassion Through Cold Feet

I wrote this 3 years ago during Transit before I took my first trip to Ukraine... This was the first blog I'd ever written :-)

"Okay, so last night there was no heat in our house. As I tried desperately to go to sleep all I could really do was think about how cold my feet were! After about twenty minutes of this it dawned on me that the orphans I am going to be living with in Ukraine this June were probably enduring with no heat as well....and probably for much longer than one night. This realization moved me to pray for about an hour for those kids and so many others around the world. So, if you live in a cold climate and have heat tonight thank God, if you live in a warm climate and have air conditioning tonight thank God and even if you don't have either of those thank God for the opportunity to empathize with others."