Grace in Weakness

It’s really easy for people to share about the victories we have in our lives- the prayers that have been answered in the way we were hoping for, the anniversaries of important positive life changing days, the celebrations of so many days, weeks, months, years since we have done such and such a bad habit, the moments when we have succeeded at something for the first time or when we have passed a test that we thought would be impossible.  And, rightfully so, we need to practice celebration in our own lives and the lives of those around us! 

But, today I was reminded of the beauty and goodness that can be found when we are willing to admit the things we haven’t overcome yet, to look at our weaknesses and call them weakness, to ask people to continue praying for that situation we haven’t seen change in yet or even to rejoice in the percent we did get right on an assignment.  

I’ve wrestled since the time I was 8 years old with feeling like I was replaceable.  I was told a lie that there will always be something or someone better than me and when they show up I won’t be loved anymore.  I have had to figure out the detail of that lie so I can come against it in the most effective ways.  It would be one thing to say that I believed I wouldn’t be needed anymore, if that was the lie then I would still be confident in the truth that I’m loveable.  

That wasn’t the lie though.  The lie was very distinct, very targeted.  As my younger brother was born I had just asked my mom if I could change my last name to my stepdad’s, I wanted to have the same last name as my brother and the man I had been calling dad.  The Destroyer chose that very season to break me in ways that I am still recovering from.  

My stepdad now had a child of his own.  A son.  I became worthless. I was no longer loved. I had been replaced.  

Even today I have to be aware of what voice I’m hearing in my mind.  Every now and then the fear of being replaced finds its way to the surface and impacts my current relationships.  Especially in seasons of transition or uncertainty of any kind and the past few months have had more than their share of such things.

This afternoon I found myself confessing to someone I care about so deeply that I thought she didn’t want to spend time with me.  It took a lot of humility and honesty to say that to her.  I could have made up an excuse and not had to face the after effects of what my childhood has done to me.  But, I chose to stand in this moment of acknowledging my insecurity.  

It was hard.  

Grace was given.  She forgave me for still not yet understanding the completeness of her acceptance.  And, I told her I would start to have more confidence in it.  Pray for me? 

Fully accepted

I believe it is important for us to share our stories even when we don’t have complete victory.  After all, if complete victory was in the here and now then why would we long for eternity? 

So readers, keep taking steps forward and find the ones who will cheer you on in the process.  The majority of people around us won’t have the privilege of seeing all the moments of believing and persevering and continuing and that’s okay.  Our Father in Heaven sees every one and He delights in our desire to keep going forward.