Make Steel My Gaze

I need to say from the very beginning that this is not about politics, it is about my heart. This is not meant to compare, resolve or belittle, it is my journey and I post it in hopes of encouraging others to seek Him more...

During the past three weeks there have been a few situations, both in Cambodia and America-and, actually a few other countries, too!- that have left me with a feeling of heart brokenness that I haven't experienced in a few months. It's this feeling of sorrow and a desire for things to be different than they are. It's a feeling of wanting to comfort the hurting, wanting to soothe the pain, wanting so desperately to make it all okay for the ones going through hard things.

My definition of "make it all okay" does not mean the simple and actually shallow solution of solving the problem, making the "bad guys" go away or ignoring the reality of pain. When I think of wanting to "make it all okay" what I mean is that I long to help others keep their gaze on Jesus. I have learned time and time again that when I'm centered on Him there is no storm that can conquer me.

I remember when I was a 16 year old watching the on the news as they told about another 16 year old being shot in school because she said she believed in Jesus... I kept my gaze on Him as I went to school every day hoping the metal detectors at the front door would do their job.

I remember when Muslim friends were mocked and even spit on at school and I had to choose to keep my gaze on Him as I stood with them... I was much more afraid for them than for myself. I knew it wasn't right what was happening to them.

I remember going to school one morning and realizing that one of the adults at home had hidden their drugs in my jacket pocket... That was the very day the police brought their drug sniffing dogs... I kept my gaze on Him, I trusted He had a plan...

I remember other students in college telling me that I wasn't healed because of... well, they had lots of reasons that they believed.... I kept my gaze on Him though it was blurry from tears... I sought His voice over and over and over again.

I remember when I was part of a team of people who helped put an 8 year old girl in a shelter for girls who were sexually exploited only to have to watch her be lawfully returned to that unsafe situation three months later... I kept my gaze on Him even as my fists pounded in anger.

I remember traveling alone in an airport when as the airport staff member guided me through the crowds she said, "They should just stop letting people like this travel..."... I kept my gaze on Him even then as I responded sharply but didn't choose to take it out on every airport staff member.

I don't say these things because I think I have all the answers. I don't.

I say them because I need to remind myself of what happens when I keep my gaze on Him. As the world seems to get worse and worse day by day I need to encourage myself to make steel my gaze on Him.
Jesus is the One who is always steady.

He is not changed by what we as broken humans put each other through.

This song has been one that has helped me keep steel my gaze on Jesus through the years...
"When I'm overwhelmed and doubts abound,
when I've lost all heart and the will to fight,
when despair sets in and my day is night...
Lift up my head, make steel my gaze....
Whenever I'm tired and I feel alone,
when oppression mounts and trials come,
when the father of lies, his arrows fly,
when there are no answers...
Lift up my head, make steel my gaze..."

Unlikely Missiles

I remember a time during my freshman year of college, I was 18, when the campus pastor who I thought was insane, prayed for me during a mandatory chapel service…. Well, sort of mandatory… I mean, it was mandatory because I had to make up for the actual required chapels I had skipped during the week…. 

Right, so the crazy campus pastor prayed for me and in his prayer he said that my prayers would be like missiles in the darkness, he said that I was like a secret weapon that God was getting ready to launch…. Who, me? I’m 18 and came from the projects….my family is involved in all the illegal things you see in the movies, I am only on this Christian college campus Monday morning through Friday morning because I travel two and half hours each way every weekend to go home and make sure my mom and younger brothers are still alive and not in jail. So…. Sorry about that, but I think you’ve got the wrong warrior in mind. 

It turns out though that he really wasn’t crazy at all… he was just the first to see and declare what God had put in me. And, I liked the idea of having power against darkness so I hung onto the word. And I began to attempt to fight the darkness that I could see around me. I fought hard, I put my everything into the fighting, every battle I saw in front of me became my focus. There were some problems though- I didn’t have any training, I did it all alone and I had serious tunnel vision so I could only see a very limited battlefield. I didn’t understand the battle strategy and I didn’t know that I was part of a larger army. 

Every time I engaged in fighting it was with the goal of keeping my mom and brothers safe and happy. I used every bit of strength I had to make sure they had food to eat, I said yes to every request to borrow money, I looked the other way every time my money, possessions, ATM card went missing, I would give every loose coin I had so they could buy drugs from home instead of going out and stealing to get them… I felt really good about all of this. I was fighting the evil in their lives, I was protecting them! 

I had no idea for a long time that I was actually contributing on the wrong side. I was using my own strength and helping the enemy keep his grip on my family and even as I did that he was beating me up at the same time. 

Then I began to hear the voice of God telling me how He loved me, telling me He loved my family even more than I did and telling me that it was not my job to rescue them… He had already paid that price and my job was only to love them in His direction so they could see His love for themselves instead of letting them see my own efforts. 

I began to relax, I began to rest a bit. I began to learn about what it means to be part of God’s strategic battle plan. Then, I began to raise my weapons again but this time with much more purpose, with much more focus and with much more understanding that I was fighting as part of a larger army that had certainty of victory. I began to fight in a very different way. 

I fought for loved ones with prayers, 

I fought for the hopeless with the pure joy found in hope, 

i fought for the lonely with my presence. 

I fought for the grieving ones with my tears alongside theirs. 

I fought for the ones who are misunderstood with empathy. 

I fought for the hurting with love. 

i fought for the fearful with courageous Truth. 

i fought for the unseen with my voice. 

I fought for the lost with His word, 

I fought for the needy with generosity…. 

i still fight like this today and will continue to tomorrow. 

Lately, i’m discovering something I neglected to fight for, I even neglected to recognize it was a need. It's becoming more and more clear that I need to learn the strategy of fighting for ME. Fighting for healing. 

Satan has been throwing punches….actually, more like bullets….since before I was even born. My mom was 17 when I was born and she had two abortions before me then I was born three months early… See? Bullets since before I was born. But, God already has the victory and I fight on His side now. As I fight though there are times when He asks me to stop for a bit so I can regain my strength from Him, so I can allow Him to heal the wounded places because…. 

Wounds that have been healed carry authority with them to speak of the Healer. 

Wounds that have been healed offer confidence in the Healer even as we’re in the middle of new battles. 

Wounds that have been healed offer proof that we fight on the right side. 

Wounds that have been healed offer evidence that the Healer can be trusted. 

Wounds that have been healed carry wisdom to be shared with the hurting. 

Wounds that have been healed speak louder than lies that look like protection. 

Wounds that have been healed soften armor so love can get in. 

Wounds that have been healed break chains that we didn’t even know were there. 

Wounds that have been healed look like rescue for the lost. 

Wounds that have been healed bring defeat straight into the enemy’s camp. 

Wounds that have been healed change pain into persevering victory. 

Wounds that have been healed give honor to His death for our freedom. 

Wounds that have been healed shoot missiles right in the center of darkness.

He’s showing me really specific areas from my past where I agreed with the enemy without even knowing what I was doing…. I believed so many lies that wounded me. No more though. I was created to be a missile in the darkness. I was born to bring His victory, His glory to this earth for such a time as this. I will choose bravery as He shows me the deepest wounds and heals them with His love through His presence, His word and His people.