Every Yes...

Just two days ago a close friend of mine here in Cambodia, an American, lost her brother. She sent us a text message early Thursday morning to ask for prayer for her and her family.  During the past few months more than one of my friends choosing to live in Cambodia instead of their passport country has received news that a loved one has passed away.  Some have been able to travel to be with family while others have not.  I have felt compassion for each one of them and prayed for the Comforter to be with them.  This time though, it's a bit different.... 

This friend lost a brother.  A brother who, as far as she knows, had not yet discovered the promise of eternal life offered in Jesus.  A brother whose story reminds me a lot of my own... and of the stories of my brothers... I feel so much more than compassion because my friend is literally living through what is my worst nightmare.  

Tonight I'm reminded that following Jesus is a daily sacrifice.  I'm reminded of the many times I've made the "BIG" (really, nothing can actually be called big when seen through the sacrifice of the crucifixion along with the promise of eternity) sacrifices concerning my family who don't yet know Jesus.  They began as sacrifices of my own self because I thought I could save them; living a life of lies never telling the truth as a kid about what really happened at home because if anyone knew we would be taken away from mom and my brothers and I would be separated. 

But, the sacrifices have changed since then.  Once I began following Jesus' voice in my life He asked me to sacrifice my sense of control (which was false anyway, He's sovereign not me) and my desire to be the one who saves them.  

Would I for the first time ever leave my ten year old and eight year old brothers living in unspeakable circumstances without me while I went to college so I could care for them even better? 

Hesitantly, tearfully, only one hour away... yes Lord.  

After four years of college, would I, instead of going back to my brothers, move to Kansas City because I knew I had just begun to allow God to do the major work of removing my heart of stone (turned that way over years of hiding, being defensive and just surviving day to day) and giving me a heart of flesh?

Devastated at my own ideas not aligning with His, not fully convinced of the good yet somehow expectant... yes Lord.

After the agreed upon nine months in Kansas City would I completely relinquish the thought of ever having custody of my brothers so I could walk forward into His plans for my life and allow Him to reign in their lives as well?

Anguished, lethargic from trying so hard to keep it all together, completely misunderstood by my family yet FULL of knowing deep within me that God was in this.... yes Lord.  

After five years in Kansas City, years where I came alive like never before, would I move to Cambodia giving up any thought of being daily involved in the lives of brothers I would die for because the hope of Jesus shining through me in this place was the most abundant life feeling I've ever had?

Terrified of what I would be letting go of, with an understanding of the real possibilities of not knowing life or death situations of ones I love so dearly, without phone numbers, email or physical addresses attached to my family members yet.... yet.... constantly choosing to trust His sovereignty.... yes Lord. 

And, here I am tonight walking with a friend who is living my literal worst nightmare and the emotions of sacrifice are all very raw and on the surface again.  Following Jesus is a daily sacrifice... And needs to be a daily remembering of the promises, a daily standing in the gap for those who haven't seen the Hope yet and a daily constant trusting that His plans are always better than our own.... 

So, I'm hopeful. I'm trusting with expectation (no need to worry friends, I know His promises for me and for those who I love!).  And I'm also crying.  Me and Jesus we're crying together over the sacrifice... Because with every "yes" comes more fulfillment of His promises in so many lives. 

The first day of school for all 3 of us 1998

Still praying for them!