He Remains

One of the things that is most consistent as I’ve been living in Cambodia is that people are always on the move! Teams coming and going, joyous trips to the airport to meet friends who have packed up their lives in other countries and moved here, farewell trips to the airport as friends embark on new parts of their journeys, interns who are kind of on in-between ground-they come for more than two weeks but have a definite departure date. So many people always moving!

If you’re familiar with the DISC personality test I am an SI type which means that I really enjoy people and stability could be my love language. I like to know what to expect. I like to be able to prepare emotionally for changes.

I think there are two major factors that contribute to my deep desire for stability. First would be my childhood. I grew up in a home where very little was predictable. I never knew if the adults around me were going to be happy, hung over or high. When they were happy life was pretty great…when they weren’t it wasn’t. Now, as an adult, I really like predictability, I like having control over my environment, it makes me feel safe.

The second factor is the fact that I am visually impaired. I have adapted throughout my life so that I learn and remember things quite differently than fully sighted people. When I walk into a room for the first time I immediately begin mentally mapping it out as far as things that will stay consistent-how many chairs are there? Where are light switches located? Is there more than one entrance/exit? And this mental map will be filed away very exactly for future reference. I also make short term notes about things that change-what color shirt is she wearing today? Where exactly did my purse, jacket, shoes (I live in Cambodia, we take our shoes off inside!) get placed? If we’re eating a meal together, where are things located on the table and how can I tell them apart from each other? In this sense, predictability and stability make me feel safe and confident.

Due to my need for feeling safe and confident in my physical surroundings I have come to feel the need for those things in my relationships as well.

So, sometimes, living in a city where lots of people come and go gets exhausting. About a year and half ago I decided to invest more deeply in my friendships with local Khmer people. After all, they’re more than likely not going to leave after a few weeks or months! It’s been so good to be intentional about this. I have a few people who are real friends.

Then, last May, some of my closest Khmer friends that I work with began quitting their jobs. And I hated it.

In fact, the past few months have been full of people moving. The normal interns and teams (I’ve learned to accept this, embrace them while they’re here in the capacity that I can and say goodbye when they leave), my roommate of the past three years got married, the worship pastor and his family at my home church in America moved and two of my closest Khmer colleagues left for new opportunities. It’s (mostly) not been a lot of fun at all. I have cried a few of those cries that make your throat hurt and your eyes burn with hot tears. I have tried to convince myself that it doesn’t really matter that things are changing. I have asked God why He made me to care so deeply that it has to hurt when relationships change.

And through it all… 

Through the past few months... 

Through the past few years with some new challenges visually... 

Through growing up and learning to find Him and trust Him… 

He remains. 

He remains faithful; always providing roads for the old relationship to grow and other roads for new ones to begin. 

He remains wise; always having the greatest possible plan for me. 

He remains present; always ready to listen when I turn to Him. 

He remains patient; always letting me question and even grumble a bit about the changes. 

He remains loving; always reminding me that He created my heart to love deeply and He’s glad I do. 

He remains hopeful; always seeing the best for all involved.