Restoring Awe During Storms

I used to be really afraid of storms.  I hated thunder, wind and lightning.  I remember exactly when this fear began, I was 8 years old there was a hurricane in my neighborhood.  The actual, physical damage from the storm outside wasn't very bad at all. The damage caused by the fight my mom and stepdad had during the storm though, that was awful.  I was an only child at the time and hid under my bed during the whole thing.  When both storms finally settled down- no more thunder and rain, no more screaming and shattering glass- I cautiously emerged from my spot of safety and it looked as though the hurricane had happened inside our house.  Furniture flipped over, broken picture frames, clothes had been thrown out windows, my 25 year old mom was crying as she told police she never wanted to see my stepdad again.  But, things got cleaned up and the next day he was welcomed back in so we could all wait for the next storm,... Or maybe it was just me who knew there would always be another storm.

As I grew older, even though I hated thunder, wind and lightning, I began to feel safer somehow if I was outside during the storm.  If I was outside then I wouldn't be inside when everything crumbled.  The idea of being quickly carried off by wind or being terrified by the sound of thunder that was only a sound but never broke anything felt much safer to me than being inside a house where things would become loud, messy, violent... I wasn't impressed by the lightning or the clouds or anything like that, in fact I tried to ignore them because if I paid too much attention to them I would begin to be afraid.

Kansas City is famous for thunder and lightning storms and when I moved there in 2005 I had to figure out how I would respond.  There really were times when I would actually go outside during the storms because I felt safer.  When I did have to be inside because it was actually safer it took lots of courage and self talk or friends distracting me.  I learned to feel safer inside because inside really was safer.  I no longer lived with people who created their own versions of dangerous storms.

As I grow closer to Jesus I continue to learn that He is sovereign over every storm and that as long as I know He is in control I can feel safe no matter where I am.  And, not just in the case of physical storms but in all kinds of storms.

This is on my mind right now because I am currently in the middle of a strange storm that is not exactly like any other kind of storm I've faced before.  I'm living in Cambodia and going through a pretty big transiton having left one ministry after 5 and a half years to pursue a vision that God has given me which took me in a different direction.  Many of the things I had cone to know as stability here have been shifted and are no longer the solid ground they once provided.  New places, new people, new responsibilities are all opportunities for me to trust that when it feels like everything is being tossed and thrown He is in control.  I'm also receiving counseling (because transitioning out of anti-trafficking work is a big deal!) which gives me plenty of chances to trust that He is also in control of the story of my life, my past and how it impacts who I am and who I'm becoming....lots of times this feels like one big, crazy storm too.

Here's the REALLY AWESOME part though.... With God, nothing is ever just hard- there's always a beauty to be found, joy to be experienced, peace to be received.

For example, one of the reasons I used to be afraid of lightning was because it usually zaps across the sky so quickly that I don't see it unless I happen to be looking right at it.  So, when I would catch it in my limited sight I would get scared because I wasn't expecting it.

Photo from 2014 during a storm in Phnom Penh.

I used to try to avoid seeing lightning but, now I want to see it! Photography is my favorite art form because it slows the world down and allows me to see things that I couldn't see until someone takes a picture.  I really like this photo because it was just an ordinary night and I was telling my brother how cool it would be if someone took a picture of lightning so I could see it and he did.  Sure, we could have searched for images online of lightning but, those pictures were not that moment.  In the middle of that storm I got to see the same awesomeness my brother was seeing.  It is life giving for me to be included in the same moments as people around me (another blog, another day!) and this photo absolutely did that for me.  

This year as rainy began I found myself excited for the storms that will come because I want too experience more of God in them!!! My fear has been turned into awe.

I am in awe of lightning. 

I am in awe of how He settles the debris after a storm. 

I am in awe of how constant He is during the wind and rain. 

I am in awe of His ways of restoring what has been damaged. 

I am in awe of God during storms.  

Restoration of Voice

Words have always been important to me.  Part of the reason is because I can't see very well so I need words.  A picture might be worth a thousand words, but if nobody tells me those words that picture doesn't communicate much to me.  For me a picture is usually just lots of color unless there are some words to go along with it! My brain also just works best in logical, articulate ways.  I appreciate when things are described or explained well.  So, me and words have been friends for a long time.

Words can be given life through one of two ways- writing or speaking.  Obviously I enjoy writing and I've always liked to write ever since I was a kid.  Speaking though, this is a different story....

There were attempts by the enemy of my life, Satan, to steal my voice before I was even born.  He wanted my mom to have an abortion but she didn't.  Then I was born 3 whole months early and by all statistical measures I should not have continued to live but I did.  And I do.

I had a stepfather who lived with me from the time I was 5 years old until I was 13 and for the first 4 years we had a very sweet relationship.  He didn't have any children and he absolutely adored me! He taught me how to ride a bike, we would read stories together before bed and he was always bringing home "surprises" of toys and trinkets for me.  Then, just before I turned 9, my younger brother was born and this caused my stepdad to kind of lose his mind because he went from absolutely adoring me to absolutely abhorring anything about me.

One of the things he began to do to display his hatred was any time I said something when he was in the same room as me he would cover his ears, make a miserable high pitched sound and say that my voice was the worst thing he'd ever heard and I should never speak. As a 9 year old being told these things by my hero I began to do just that, I stopped talking. Almost completely for 4 years.  When I did talk to my younger brothers it was in whispers.  And at school I would only answer questions when I was called upon but I would never volunteer.  I began to believe that I truly had nothing to contribute to the people around me, ever.  

Another piece of this very strategic plan of Satan was that there were times when I was supposed to speak at home.  When social workers or police would show up at our door I was expected to tell them that everything was tine.  I was terrified that if I didn't say the right things my brothers and I would be taken away from our mom and so I knew how to speak lies.  My days were full of believing lies and speaking lies.

My voice had been stolen from me.

But the God I know is a God who restores what is stolen.

"I will give you back what was lost..." Joel 2:25

"I hate robbery...and will faithfully restore..." Isaiah 61:8

"We are glad when we are weak and You are strong. Your restoration is what we pray for." 2 Corinthians 13:9

In order to receive restoration we must be willing to look at the damage.  When something is restored there is a combination of pieces of the original with new things that have been brought as enhancements.  Something cannot be restored until there is a vision for what it can become.  

Restoration in God's Kingdom honors what once was while at the same time moving forward into what will be.                 

It has not been a simple journey to figure out what my voice sounds like after those years of being silent.  One of the truest things I know though is that I value things that I have put effort into, things that I have gained with Jesus despite Satan's attempts to stop me from having all God desires for me.  I have spent LOTS of time with God and with the people He puts in my life figuring out how to verbally communicate my thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, sarcasm, hopes, dreams, fears, gratitude and so many other things.  And, as a result I cherish moments when others are listening to me.  I choose my words carefully never wanting to miss out on what might happen because of them.

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that there is power to bring life or death in our tongues and I know it.  My stepdad used the words that came off his tongue to try to kill my spirit and I have a feeling that Satan thought he had victory when for so many years I didn't speak and then for years after than I was afraid to speak even as I was surrounded by ones who encouraged me that they wanted to hear my voice.  But, Satan doesn't win because there surely is power in the tongue.  Power to bring LIFE and the more I trust God the more He brings that life through the words of people around me, the Bible and the Holy Spirit in me.

Today God not only empowers me to use my voice to bring life, hope, joy, destiny, encouragement, sometimes correction and ultimately His character to those around me in one language,  butt in two languages! He really does give a double portion for what has been stolen (Job 42:10)!

And, the power in my words is not only to be used for others.  I am constantly learning more and more that the words I speak have enormous influence over my own life.  I used to spend so much time just thinking thoughts in my head and not speaking them out.  This allowed me to create my own beliefs and ideas about the world and people without ever being challenged on them because I didn't share them.  Now, speaking out loud the thoughts that run through my head has become a vital piece of the process that sets me free from deception that Satan still tries to keep me trapped in.  When I speak my thoughts out loud I am confronted with either their validity or their falseness.  Maybe you are too...?     

God knows us better than we know ourselves and He gives each of us the tools we need for restoration as long as we are willing to be honest about what was lost, stolen, broken...

God, would You reveal to each of us the amazing power You have entrusted to us through our words? Give courage to those who need courage to speak, hope to those who feel as though their voices have been silenced and restoration to those who have been silent for too long.