Showing Up

This morning I had a Khmer lesson. I knew the lesson was going to happen. I knew what my homework assignment was from last week's lesson, 7 days ago.  I thought about doing that assignment multiple times during the week, I was aware that it needed some focused time on my part if it was going to be done well.  I was supposed to speak about HPC and what we do. "I want you to tell me about HPC as if you're in America sharing with a group of people. I want to know about the vision of HPC and some of the testimonies you would tell.  I want to hear your heart for why you are with HPC" is what my teacher had said.  Well, it takes me a good while to prepare for that kind of thing in English so I was well aware that I needed to give this thing some effort.

I really enjoy assignments that require real effort, hard work. After learning for 3 years with the same teacher he still knows how to make me go a bit farther each time. It's a great feeling when I know I've accomplished an assignment in Khmer and I gave it my very best.  I can tell and so can my teacher.  Those days make us both happy.

Yet, there I was last night chatting with my roommate, answering phone calls, scrolling through Facebook and only absent mindedly putting together Khmer sentences about HPC.  At the end of the night I already knew that today's lesson wasn't going to go over very well.  Going into a lesson and feeling like I don't know exactly what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it feels really vulnerable to me.  Some days are harder than others when I'm trying to communicate in someone else's language and I know I haven't mastered it yet.  I want to feel adequate, competent, like I'm on top of things and oh my goodness do I learn so much from this whole speaking a second language thing!  Most times I probably just need a little perspective... I work with 25 Khmer colleagues who speak English as their second language almost every day and I think they're so brave, so smart and amazing simply because they're not afraid to show and try to have conversations in English, so why I can't I see that for myself about Khmer?   That's another post altogether, for now back to my unprepared for Khmer lesson...  

"Yvonne, tell me honestly, how long did you spend preparing this?" was his first question after my teacher listened to me stammer through 25 minutes worth of very little about HPC.  So I told him.  Next question, "Are you satisfied with this?" to which I again honestly answered no.  "Okay, so next week try again, I know you can do better" he said.  I was frustrated.  I like to move on, I don't enjoy feeling stuck.  I would have much rather just bombed and quit, moved on to something else next week so I didn't have to do a better job.  I did learn a few words and phrases today that I needed in order to better communicate about HPC and my heart.  I also got a new memory verse (because I did manage to memorize Romans 10:17 in Khmer!) which is always fun, 2 Timothy 1:7 in Khmer, woohoo!!

I knew going into this morning that I wasn't going to do my best and I really considered just canceling the lesson.  I'm glad I didn't.  I chose to show up instead.  I chose to beat my pride back with humility and fumble through a jumble of words that was my own fault for not investing in it the way I could have (and I really could have, it wasn't a week where I didn't have time, I just chose other things...). I showed up and was held accountable as I was forced to be honest.  I showed up and was given grace as my teacher patiently listened to sentences he knows I could have said more accurately, quickly and with much more ease than I did.  I showed up and heard words of mercy and encouragement as I was reminded that students are students so that they can learn not because they already know it all.  I showed up and was challenged (which, once I've let go of my frustration and accepted things for what they are, is motivating for me!) to give it my all next time.

Brene Brown writes in her book, Daring Greatly, "Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgement and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen.  This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly." During today's Khmer lesson I was seen, it wasn't my best but I was seen. I was vulnerable and had the opportunity to be met with grace, patience, accountability, honesty and motivation to keep going!

And, this blog.... I didn't write when I wanted to this week but I'm writing now. I'm showing up.  I can be seen.  It's vulnerable, it's a risk.  It motivates me because if I can do it tonight then I can do it next time, too.  I'm choosing to see this morning's Khmer lesson as a victory because I really could have backed out, cancelled and gone to pick up a friend from the airport, but I didn't.  And this writing, right now, is an even bigger victory!

Jesus showed up for me, He did not sit on the sidelines and judge where I was. He walked the earth, He died on the cross, He was vulnerable. And, I certainly see Him, I honor Him in the ways He has showed up and how He'll continue to show up. So, yeah, when He asks me to show up for a Khmer lesson in honesty instead of backing out and letting shame and pride win, I will.  When He asks me to show up and start writing again, about things that matter to me, about vulnerable things, I will.  I will continue to dare to show up because He continues to meet me every time.

What did you show up for?  What will you show up for?  

He Remains

One of the things that is most consistent as I’ve been living in Cambodia is that people are always on the move! Teams coming and going, joyous trips to the airport to meet friends who have packed up their lives in other countries and moved here, farewell trips to the airport as friends embark on new parts of their journeys, interns who are kind of on in-between ground-they come for more than two weeks but have a definite departure date. So many people always moving!

If you’re familiar with the DISC personality test I am an SI type which means that I really enjoy people and stability could be my love language. I like to know what to expect. I like to be able to prepare emotionally for changes.

I think there are two major factors that contribute to my deep desire for stability. First would be my childhood. I grew up in a home where very little was predictable. I never knew if the adults around me were going to be happy, hung over or high. When they were happy life was pretty great…when they weren’t it wasn’t. Now, as an adult, I really like predictability, I like having control over my environment, it makes me feel safe.

The second factor is the fact that I am visually impaired. I have adapted throughout my life so that I learn and remember things quite differently than fully sighted people. When I walk into a room for the first time I immediately begin mentally mapping it out as far as things that will stay consistent-how many chairs are there? Where are light switches located? Is there more than one entrance/exit? And this mental map will be filed away very exactly for future reference. I also make short term notes about things that change-what color shirt is she wearing today? Where exactly did my purse, jacket, shoes (I live in Cambodia, we take our shoes off inside!) get placed? If we’re eating a meal together, where are things located on the table and how can I tell them apart from each other? In this sense, predictability and stability make me feel safe and confident.

Due to my need for feeling safe and confident in my physical surroundings I have come to feel the need for those things in my relationships as well.

So, sometimes, living in a city where lots of people come and go gets exhausting. About a year and half ago I decided to invest more deeply in my friendships with local Khmer people. After all, they’re more than likely not going to leave after a few weeks or months! It’s been so good to be intentional about this. I have a few people who are real friends.

Then, last May, some of my closest Khmer friends that I work with began quitting their jobs. And I hated it.

In fact, the past few months have been full of people moving. The normal interns and teams (I’ve learned to accept this, embrace them while they’re here in the capacity that I can and say goodbye when they leave), my roommate of the past three years got married, the worship pastor and his family at my home church in America moved and two of my closest Khmer colleagues left for new opportunities. It’s (mostly) not been a lot of fun at all. I have cried a few of those cries that make your throat hurt and your eyes burn with hot tears. I have tried to convince myself that it doesn’t really matter that things are changing. I have asked God why He made me to care so deeply that it has to hurt when relationships change.

And through it all… 

Through the past few months... 

Through the past few years with some new challenges visually... 

Through growing up and learning to find Him and trust Him… 

He remains. 

He remains faithful; always providing roads for the old relationship to grow and other roads for new ones to begin. 

He remains wise; always having the greatest possible plan for me. 

He remains present; always ready to listen when I turn to Him. 

He remains patient; always letting me question and even grumble a bit about the changes. 

He remains loving; always reminding me that He created my heart to love deeply and He’s glad I do. 

He remains hopeful; always seeing the best for all involved.

Secure Next Steps

This morning I met with one of my favorite Khmer women who has become a great inspiration, partner in ministry and she provides a place where my heart can be known. We have worked together during the past four and a half years and this Thursday we will go back to work at Punlok Thmey after two and a half weeks off for Christmas celebrations and some much needed rest.

We spent time well this morning. Together with our iced coffees, notebooks and lots of laughter. As she prepared to put her outside shoes back on for the moto (mo-ped/scooter) journey from my house to hers she suggested that we pray first. I’m always up for this idea!

So, we began to talk to the King who loves us and greatly desires that we come to His throne and share our hearts with Him. We talked with Him about our hopes and desires for this upcoming year. Desires to see specific clients healed from heart disease. Hopes for certain staff members to learn to walk in their Kingdom identities instead of what their families and society lie to them. Desires for His name to spread throughout Cambodia.

We also told the loving King about things that weigh heavy on our hearts… The names of little ones who are still being sexually abused even as they leave our programs, the complications of overcoming a mostly corrupt government in order to stand up for justice, the difficulty of trying to speak hope into situations in which the people involved haven’t met Jesus yet and so they don’t understand what resurrection means for each one of us… So many heavy things on our minds and hearts. And, He listened to each one of them. He acknowledged our frustration, validated our anger and anguish and then He reminded me of such a simple truth that I just forget most times…

When we live our lives with Him we can completely trust every single next step we take. Every. Single. One. He already knows the future He has for us. He always has the very best in mind for each of us, He created us and a Creator values what He has made. So, we can walk secure and confident because He really only has good things in store for us.

When we know that at the core of our hearts, when our spirit resonates with The Spirit, we will not even think about worrying about the heavy things because we will know that He is good.

We won’t worry about the heavy things. We will engage with them though. We will partner with the good He wants to bring. We will speak life. We will validate the pain, the anguish, the losses. We will validate them because they are real in this world. Without them, what would our hope be for?

This morning’s time with my friend and my King was soothing to my heart. Hurts, uncertainty and frustration were validated. Then we were able to securely take just the next steps towards going back to work on Thursday. We will meet every situation with validity and hope because we know He is good and so we will follow Him.