Choosing to Live Loved

A few months ago I wrote a post called, Live Loved.  The moment of revelation described in that post changed my life, but the moment wasn't the end.  God spoke to me that day in March but it has been up to me to choose to live out of His revealed truth or to say it's too hard and continue on in what was so comfortable and easy.  I know that the enemy of my soul wants to see me live all tangled up in lies about being pitied instead of the freedom given by the Truth of Jesus' love for me.

And....

I am determined to choose redemptive Truth as I come face to face with shadowy lies.
I am persistent in choosing to view my circumstances through His eternal perspective instead of seeing through my very limited viewpoint.
I am diligent in choosing to search for His goodness instead of simply taking things just as they are on the surface.
I am steadfast in choosing to count my blessings instead of being overwhelmed by the schemes of the enemy.
I choose to be grateful for each moment when I'm able to recognize His love and goodness instead of desperate in the moments of lonlieness and struggle.
I choose to be joyful in the restorative times shared with friends who have become family instead of hopeless for what has been stolen.
I choose to be passionate in standing with Him for the victory He promises instead of being weary when faced with the battle.
I choose to be resilient as I tell mountain after mountain after mountain to leave in Jesus' name instead of allowing the obstacles to steal my will to keep going forward.

I need to speak and write these declarations -often!- to remind my soul of the things that matter. I need others to hear and see these declarations so that we can remind each other.  I need God to breathe these declarations into me -over and over and over again...- so that I can continue living loved.

In the day to day of life this means choosing to cherish moments, words, experiences that God gives to show me that He hears these declarations and the He is faithful to provide for the dreams He breathes into my soul...

God reminds me that He hears and will be faithful to fulfill in so many ways...  It is my job (and yours) to choose to see His faithfulness and to even find it in the small things.  During the past few months I've seen it in things like....

Gifts of peanut M&M's.

Subway rides in Singapore.
Those moments before loved ones leave and you say, "love you" to each other because it's normal that you matter to each other.

Shared flavored coffee creamer from America (the superior liquid kind, not powder!).

Lunch brought by a friend when a migraine shows up.
Brothers who drive a little slower when I'm on their moto.

The sky when it's deep blue before nightfall. 

Conversations in Khmer about the deep things of God and life. 

Swimming in the afternoon on a day off.

Riding on a moto through rainy season floodwater to spend time with friends.
Phone calls and text messages just to say, "hey, thinking about you, how are you?". 

Being prayed for by ones who know me even when I don't have the strength or courage to pray for myself. 

When someone says it's okay to eat with my hands. 

Apple cinnamon bagels showing up at the grocery store in October. 

Photos of sunsets sent to me by friends who know my heart.

Meals shared in my home and the homes of others.
Times when God speaks so clearly and personally...even when I'm in a room with thousands of other believers.
Skype conversations that are filled with laughter and hope.

When people say they feel at peace and safe in my house because His presence is surely there.

Little ones who shout my name and are excited I came.

People who aren't afraid to speak His truth even when it's hard for them to say and for me to hear.
Phone calls from sisters to share stories of victory.
So many more moments...

Some of His Reminders 

These are a few of the ways Jesus reminds me that the constant, determined, persistent, diligent, steadfast choices to live loved are seen by Him.  He knows it's not easy in this world and He knows we have a choice and He delights in every moment when we choose His love.  Choosing His love instead of the easy, comfortable opposition of old habits and mindsets is work but I promise the results are more than worth it.

What will you choose today?  How have you seen His faithfulness?  

L-O-N-G Days Filled with Honor and Love

It's 6:15pm as I begin to type this. I'm sitting on my couch, watching an amazingly beautiful sunset out my window and feeling quite grateful that I got home early today.

Days have been l-o-n-g the past two weeks with an amazing, very energetic, Kingdom minded short term team here with us. Each day is jam packed with things to do and I do enjoy having so much to be part of! Last week, there was so much I wanted to come home and write about each day for all of you to read. But....I came home and tiredness and Modern Family won out on the nights when I didn't already have plans :-)

So tonight, I'll just write about today instead of trying to catch up on the past.  Maybe I'll get to some of those great stories, someday.

Today.....
I woke up at 5:15am and for those of you who have ever seen me before 8:30am, you are well aware that I was quite incoherent for a while.  I did, however, have an iced coffee since I cold brewed it last night and I listened to music for about an hour.  These things work miracles for my morning mood!

Rode a half hour to the boys center, arrived at 7:15, the team ate their breakfast of yogurt, fruit and pastries.

I like what's been happening at 7:30!  The team, us Western H.P.C. members and our 9 Khmer staff members (8 guys, 1 girl) all have a devotional time together that usually ends with about 20 minutes of worship (a few of our Khmer brothers are excellent worship leaders!) and prayer.

At 8:15 a small group heads out to Wat Phnom where they lead Kids Club for 2 hours followed by about an hour of family visits with some of our regular kids.

Another small group stays at the boys center and continues the painting, cleaning, organizing that has been going on.

My group was the group that got to go out into the neighborhood
this morning. I was particularly excited about today because we were going to visit a family I've come to love so much. I wrote about their story earlier this year here.

Things have begun to change for this precious family. My friend, Panha, who is also one of our Khmer staff members, led the mother and grandmother to the Lord about a month ago! They have also moved from where they were living on the streets to a room (it has walls, a roof and a bathroom) in one of the slum areas of the city.  Might be the slum but, it's certainly a step up from where they were....

I hadn't seen them yet since I've been back. The family consists of the mom, the grandma, the father (he's an alcoholic and not usually around) and 6 children ranging in age from 17 down to about 9 months. Three of the kids now attend school through another organization here.

We were going with the intention of teaching the women how to pray and bringing them a large plastic barrel for them to collect water in since their water only runs for about 4 hours per day.  They need water for many things during the day such as bathing, cooking, washing clothes....

When we arrived we were greeted by my 4-year old friend who should've been in school. We came to find out that this past weekend he had cut his hand on a nail in the door, this makes perfect sense to me, he's quite the active little guy!

Have no fear though-18-year old Panha to the rescue! I mean seriously, he has loved them persistently for the past year including when we found out some horrific news about them, he's led the adult females of this family to the Lord and he has been a social worker in helping them get their home and the kids into school!

Then today! Today he pulls out the first aid kit, puts on some gloves and cleans and bandages physical wounds! (Have I ever mentioned how very much I learn about Jesus from my Khmer brothers...well, be assured, I learn a ton).

So, we, all 7 of us plus the 5 members of the family who were home sat on the floor as Panha simultaneously told me to practice my Khmer with the family and fixed our young friend up.

And we did give them that barrel for the water too :-)

It was SO GOOD to be back in the same country, to be able to encourage not only Panha but also the rest of our Khmer staff. To not have to wait for Skype delays but to be able to look them in the eye and tell them that they are truly bringing His Kingdom into the darkness of this world....that's my absolute favorite part about being here in person.....

Phew, and that's just what I did before 11:30am!!

I'm honored to be here, honored to see His love for His people regardless of the language we speak, the choices we make and the way others perceive us....He loves us all the same.

5 Years Later...Still Missing Jenn

Jenn and I just a few weeks before she met Jesus face to face :-) We'd just enjoyed a long day filled with laughter!

Today marks 5 years since my dear friend, Jennifer Leghorn, went home to be with Jesus. She was 21 and celebrated her 22nd birthday, May 10, in Heaven.  I think parties in Heaven are going to 
be the most fun things EVER!


I find myself thinking about Jenn so much lately.  When we were in college she was going to be a missionary and I was going to teach 2nd grade....Now, I'm a missionary....I don't think any of us would've ever seen that one coming :-)  I still miss my friend, a lot.  During the past few months I've re-discovered the adventurous side (a story for a whole other blog!) and gosh I miss her as I do things like ride motos through Cambodian streets, go rock climbing and dream about para-gliding and mountain biking on a tandem bike :-)  Can't wait til eternity when we can do these things together!!


The rest of this blog is 2 posts I've written in previous years to honor who Jenn is....not was but is.  She is very much alive and well at this very moment because of the gift she chose to receive from our wonderful Savior Who gave her eternal life...Thank You Jesus for eternity and for my friend Jenn. 


"Hope and Courage Offered Through friendship-written May 8, 2008


May 9th 2006 was a Tuesday. I remember waking up that morning at Shalom retreat center. I spent the morning sitting with friends as we all participated in our very last session of something we called "The God Story". We had all been on a journey together during the past nine months-a journey of discovering how alive God's word is, a journey of discovering what it means to live in community (and what it doesn't mean as well) and particularly for me a journey of learning to trust God's love in my life.

We all listened intently as images of heaven filled the room, we were going through the book of Revelation paying special attention to the hope presented in the book. We talked about eternity, the joy of being with Jesus always. We talked about victory, the joy of overcoming death and pain. We talked about worship, the joy of praising Jesus without ever ceasing.

As soon as we had finished our last worship song a strange feeling of urgency came over me. I knew I needed to get to my phone. Everyone knew I was on a retreat in the-middle-of-nowhere-Kansas and so I wouldn't be able to get to my phone yet there was a new voicemail. It was my friend simply telling me to call as soon as I could.

I knew immediately what she was going to tell me. Our good friend Jenn had been fighting cancer for the past four years and this was the end. I called her back anyway and she only confirmed what I already knew in my heart. I stood there shakily holding the phone and could do nothing except melt into a puddle of tears. A few of my close friends surrounded me and prayed. The next few days were a blur as I tried to focus on the task at hand-bringing closure to this chapter in my life called Transit. I didn't let the grief come, I swallowed it so that I could be present during our graduation ceremonies and then I left for a month overseas.

I miss Jenn often. Last Sunday a worship song at church brought back memories of her after chemo treatments and I felt the sadness as if it were a punch in the stomach. So sudden and so real. Sometimes when I share ice cream with friends I remember the last time she and I had ice cream-it was the fourth of July and she wasn't well enough to go to a concert at Jones Beach as we'd planned so instead we had ice cream :-) During Transit she would send me "care packages" (her way of making sure that everyone in Kansas City knew that I was loved by people in New York) and I recently found a sticky note she'd attached to a card, it says, "Pray for me, I need it to beat this stupid cancer."

And we did pray. My friends and I prayed hard...in the beginning. Then, it sort of became commonplace that Jenn just had cancer. It didn't stop her from doing the things that she was passionate about-she still volunteered as a youth leader, she still worked at the campus library, she still got A grades in Professor Poston's classes. Although she had cancer it was never what defined her, at least not to those of us who really knew her.

I know that this has gotten rather lengthly and I really could just keep writing about all that Jenn was. I am just so very grateful that the Lord blessed me with the privilege of calling her friend and even sister. Last November I was on a retreat and Jesus prompted me to write her a letter, this is part of what it said,
"I think about how well I was loved by you even though we never talked about 'that stuff'. I think about your will to live life to the fullest. Jenn, you knew that life was rough and unfair but still you enjoyed it. You chose to trust Jesus despite so many things. You have given me so much hope and so much courage. Thank you for your example in choosing to follow and trust Him."

If you knew Jenn may you be reminded of her courage and hope, celebrate her this week-that is what she would want. If you did not know Jenn please think of those whose lives show you hope and give you courage-thank them and thank God for His blessings in your life."


"Loss=written May 12, 2006


I lost a part of my life last Tuesday. For the past five years I knew someone who was an amazing woman. Her name was Jennifer, but everyone called her Jenn. She was one of a kind. She had the most beautiful eyes. They were always filled with joy and hope because more than anything she knew that her Jesus was real and everpresent.
She had a zeal for life that was unmatched. She loved to camp, mountain-bike, kayak...anything that had a hint of adventure to it was meant for her!
She possessed such real tenacity and dilligence. I could always count on her courseload consisting of the maximum number of credits allowable each taught by the most challenging professors. She never earned less than a B in any class.
Jenn was a fighter. She battled abandonment from a young age and came out of it with a desire for all to belong. She battled parents who never really knew her and her last words to them were that she loved them and wanted them to know that she is alive and well with Jesus.
Her greatest battle was a three and half year all out war against a cancer that she so unaffectionately named Jezebel. She endured three rounds of Chemo, each one sending her into a short lived remission.
Jenn was one of my best friends. During the past five years we have laughed together countless times! We cried together, fought with God together, shared sarcasm....sometimes a bit too much :) Two weeks ago, I had the honor of being in her company one last time.
Last Tuesday, May 9th, Jenn went to be with Jesus. She told me not to be sad, she will be in heaven and it will be truly amazing. She will have new mountains and streams to explore everyday...and for that I am grateful, I am so glad to think about her spending her 23rd birthday on May 10 with Jesus....alive and well......But, I am so sad for the loss of my friend. My heart hurts more than I thought possible. We will never have another moment together in this life, the ones we've had will have to suffice until we meet again. The tears are coming now.......again........I feel the ache of a friend lost."

Missionary Moses and me

I've been thinking a lot about Moses lately. His story is really a great one. Born during a time when he should have been killed-just for being born!-he had a mom who let the Holy Spirit lead her to risk everything in order to save his life. She hid him for 3 months then sent him in a basket adrift on the Nile. 


God really did have BIG plans for this boy. 


Not only was he found, he was found by none other than Pharaoh's daughter! AND, (I love this part!) she offers to pay Moses' own mother to care for him as a young child! 

When he gets a bit older he is sent back to the Pharaoh's daughter and grows up as an Egyptian. Oh, wait, not just any Egyptian but royalty. 


So, this little boy was born and should have died. Not only is his life spared but his mother gets to watch him grow then he is given the honor of being treated as royalty-God's big picture is much more grand than we ever imagine.

One day, God speaks to Moses and his life is never the same....sound familiar to anyone else?

God allows Moses the privilege of fighting on behalf of an oppressed people. And, not only fighting for their freedom but, fighting for their freedom so that they can enter into relationship with the one true God (yep, missionary).

Sounds kinda great doesn't it? Fighting for justice. Fighting on behalf of people who need someone to fight for them. Fighting to see people enter into relationship with God....I like the sound of those kinds of things!

But, were I Moses, would I have liked it?

Moses had to go before the King...and demand that he stop oppressing the Hebrews. Moses didn't know the Hebrews, they were a foreign people to him but he was moved with fierce passion to see them treated justly (did I mention, I think Moses was a missionary?). In order for this to happen he went to Pharaoh and told him that if he wouldn't let the Hebrews go awful things would happen to the Egyptians.

This is where I'm not sure I would've been able to do what Moses did...when Pharaoh didn't let the people go it was Moses' job to initiate all kinds of awful plagues on the Egyptians (frogs, boils, locusts, darkness...eventually the death of every firstborn son). 
For the sake of justice for one group of people he watched as destruction came upon another group. Pharaoh was the one making the decisions and the plagues came upon ALL of the Egyptians.

I just don't know that I would have had the strength to watch hardship come upon an entire group of people based on their King's hardheaded decision. I'm certain that the only thing that would've kept me going would have been the knowledge that God told me to....

But, then again....

If today I had the opportunity to

free orphans... 

or child prostitutes... 

or homeless people.... 

or widows....

 from oppression 

and lead them into relationship with God 

BUT the condition 

was that I had to initiate and watch destruction come upon an entire people group associated with their oppressors.....what would I do then?

I don't know......other than to say that I'd follow God with all of who I am....His plan is so much bigger than the small, momentary glimpses we get during our time on this earth. Yeah, I'd follow Him.

(I really do not know why the font is different sizes and can't figure out how to change it....sorry!)

Awkward Love

Lately, I've been reading A LOT.  I know, some of you are thinking, "Yvonne, you read A LOT all the time..." and, you're probably right. But, I've been reading specifically about love and how men and women have such different experiences with it. So, I guess the correct sentence should be, lately, I've been reading A LOT about love. I'm doing some specific research for the opening of the Boys Center in Camboida.
Lots of people out there have many more years of experience than I do so, for a while, I may just share with you the wisdom from others that stands out to me.

Here's another excerpt from John Eldredge and as for the parts that relate to women, I think I fully agree.  It is not easy for anyone, male or female, to love others and to open ourselves up to the vulnerabilities that come with it.
But, I'm sure gonna keep on tryin' cause it is so worth it for the relationships that grow and mature...

"Honest communication in love is the only way to live and grow in friendships including marriages. There are ebbs and flows. There may be real hurt and disappointment. But with the grace of God firmly holding us, it is possible to nurture and sustain deep friendships. We are designed to live in relationship and share in the lives of others. We need one another. God knows that. We have only to ask and surrender, to wait, to hope, and, in faith, to love. We must also repent.

Christianity, as it currently exists, has done some terrible things to men. When all is said and done, I think most men in the church believe that God put them on the earth to be a good boy. The problem with men, we are told, is that they don't know how to keep their promises, be spiritual leaders, talk to their wives, or raise their children. But, if they will try real hard they can reach the lofty summit of becoming . . . a nice guy. That's what we hold up as models of Christian maturity: Really Nice Guys. We don't smoke, drink, or swear; that's what makes us men. Now let me ask my male readers: In all your boyhood dreams growing up, did you ever dream of becoming a Nice Guy? (Ladies, was the Prince of your dreams dashing . . . or merely nice?)

Really now-do I overstate my case? Walk into most churches in America, have a look around, and ask yourself this question: What is a Christian man? Don't listen to what is said, look at what you find there. There is no doubt about it. You'd have to admit a Christian man is . . . bored. At a recent church retreat I was talking with a guy in his fifties, listening really, about his own journey as a man. "I've pretty much tried for the last twenty years to be a good man as the church defines it." Intrigued, I asked him to say what he thought that was. He paused for a long moment. "Dutiful," he said. "And separated from his heart." A perfect description, I thought. Sadly right on the mark.

Men enjoy relationships in which we are challenged, relationships that require more from us than the church expects. As men we long to protectors, we were made to stand up for truth, justice, righteousness.  The enemy of our souls wants us to believe that our voice is not needed-this is a lie.  The enemy wants us to bellieve that our passion in life is evil-this is a lie.

For a woman to enjoy relationship, she must repent of her need to control and her insistence that people fill her. Fallen Eve demands that people "come through" for her. Redeemed Eve is being met in the depths of her soul by Christ and is free to offer to others, free to desire, and willing to be disappointed. Fallen Eve has been wounded by others and withdraws in order to protect herself from further harm. Redeemed Eve knows that she has something of value to offer; that she is made for relationship. Therefore, being safe and secure in her relationship with her Lord, she can risk being vulnerable with others and offer her true self.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable . . . The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers . . . of love is Hell. (C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves)"

(Wild at Heart, 7-8, The Sacred Romance, 44, Captivating, 181-82)

Learning of the Pain That Comes With Love

Oh gosh.....I just don't really know where to even begin....

At the bottom of this post is a video of a the song, "I Saw What I Saw" by Sara Groves.  Her lyrics seem to meet my emotions quite perfectly these days.  Once again, I'm reminded of what a wonderful gift music is and am so grateful for skilled writers!

I want to be able to share stories with you about my recent trip to Cambodia.  The problem is, right now, all I can think of  are the stories that are not so fun to tell :-(

I mean, I can still share them with you. And, maybe they will even lead you to greater times of prayer for the people I know and love or maybe they will give you the courage to share some of your own "not so fun to tell" stories.  That would be a good thing, right?

While in Phnom Penh I was able to see many of the people I'd hoped to reconnect with.  There was one big difference in being there this time though.  It was like I was  able to feel all the emotions that were alive around me for the first time.  I think that while I was living there for nearly 6 months I simply let every part of my life become routine and in doing so was able to stop myself from feeling the raw emotions that could have easily accompanied any given day.

Returning to Kids Club at Wat Phnom was so great....for the first ten minutes. Then, I just found myself sitting in the middle (quite literally, they were ALL OVER ME) of a group of 20 kids who I've spent countless hours with.  But, this time I felt pain.  It was painful to watch as my 4 year old friend so easily went up to any stranger and asked for....wel, anything he could get really.  This is how he and his 6 year old sister spend their days-begging for food, money, water.  All of a sudden the reality that this is NOT right came crashing down on top of me as never before.  It was painful to think about what happens each night (drug deals, transvestites selling themselves, currupt police officers adding to the chaos, children wandering aimlessly and unsupervised....oh, the list could go on....) in the very park where we have club each day.  THIS IS WHERE THESE SWEET ONES ARE GROWING UP.  And, it hurt, a lot. 

I visited my friends in Svay Pak, the village where I'd spent every morning, the very same village that was written about in Gary Haugen's book, Terrify No More. From June through October I would arrive each morning with any of my various teamates and we would be blown away at the joy with which we were met!  Our students were eager to learn, the  younger kids were LOUDLY singing whatever the newest Bible song was that they'd been taught the afternoon before and the young women along with the Pastor's wife were all chatting and laughing in the kitchen as they prepared for lunch later that day....always lots of fun! This time though, I was met by my dear friends who are still grieving the loss of their son, Daniel, earlier this year.  The reality of such strong leadership mourning was thick and heavy (as mourning usually is).  One of my brothers there told me about his 30 year old sister-in-law who had just been diagnosed with stomach cancer and sent home to die.  We prayed-he prayed for my eyes and I prayed for his family. This morning I got an email telling me that his sister-in-law, Pov, has gone to be with Jesus. I cried...and will probably cry some more.  

My mind is too tired to keep making sense of the things I felt during my short visit.  Maybe in a few days I'll have the energy for more.....

For now, please join with me in prayer in whatever way you feel led.  Thank you for coming along for the journey...it's certainly not over yet.

And, it certainly does not end in despair.  My God is a Redeemer and He is already redeeming in Cambodia.  I will continue to look for the hope in each story. And I also promise that I won't be afraid to share some of pain as well....I believe that He allows us to feel the pain so that we will be able to experience joy in all of its fullness. 


Yes, Lord, I will live with the pain for a time because I KNOW the joy of Your glory in every circumstance is more than worth it!

An Ache for Cambodia that Leads to Something More....

I know, it's the beginning of a new year and instead of writing about a resolution or the expectation of all the amazing things God has in store for me I'm writing about aches. 

But, just give this post a chance because I think it will end up being a realization of something much grander than just the pain of the moment that it is inspired by....

Since I've been back from Cambodia for the past 2 months some intense things have taken place there in the lives of those I know and love.  My friends and brothers, Panha and Veasna, had their Dad's tuk-tuk stolen less than a week after I'd arrived in Kansas City. I found myself shocked at the news-this happens to other people but, not ones I know!  There was a sick feeling in my stomach all day. The only thing that I thought could console me would be to be there with them, to be able to speak words of comfort, to be able to sit in silence with them as we all wonder about what this will mean for their family. But that wasn't His perfect plan, it was my teeny, tiny idea of what I could do.

His plan was SO MUCH BIGGER. I sent out an email telling friends of what had happened. An email with very little expectation of any real response. The response was overwhelming and two days later I found myself in a bank wiring over $1,500 to my friends so that their family could purchase a new tuk-tuk! And, it doesn't stop there; not only did they get an awesome tuk-tuk but, their Dad who was the only member of their  immediate family to still be a Buddhist, gave his life to Jesus after seeing the power of God's Kingdom to truly change things!

A few weeks later my friend Coen, who has been to Cambodia with me, and I were standing in our Pastor's office reading a news article on CNN about a tragic stampede that took place just hours before during the annual Water Festival in Cambodia.  The report stated that over 300 were dead.  Again, shock filled me followed by fear and even worry-were all of my friends alright? What had caused this? How were people responding? There were so many questions. I began frantically sending text messages to everyone in Cambodia whose phone number I had and, even though it was the middle of the night there, I got speedy replies.  Yes, everyone I knew was indeed safe.  However, some of their family members were not.  Many people I know personally were affected by the stampede through the loss of loved ones. I found myself mourning with people I love, weeping over their pain and at a loss for words as I thought about the spiritual darkness that hovered over a country so lost and desperate for hope. As I took communion that next Sunday I wept and wept over the goodness of our God.  I wept because for the first time I truly understood what it meant that His life was a worthy sacrifice for my sins.  Cambodia is a 95% Buddhist country and following the stampede people were putting out literal material things as sacrifices to appease the spirits in hopes of holding any other catastrophe at bay.  Their sacrifices are empty and worthless....I wept over a country so blinded by deception.

Yesterday as church was ending I received a text message from a colleague in Cambodia informing me that our dear friend lost her baby after he only lived for a day and a half. This is never news that can be taken in easily. This time though, it brought me to almost immediate tears.  My dear friends, Pastor Chantha and his wife Bunthan, live in Svay Pak. They pastor a church that is found in a building that used to be a notorious brothel where young children were sold for sex nightly.  They also mentor and care for 26 young adults who have chosen to follow Jesus despite the attempts of Satan to steal each of their lives through gangs, lucrative money making opportunities as pimps, horrid abuse and many other awful tricks. And (yes, this church is truly a light in one of the darkest places!) they even run a free medical clinic two days a week, have a school and offer English classes to the community.

These dear warriors in the Kingdom of heaven lost their second son yesterday.  My heart aches with grief for their loss.  But, there was also something fierce that rose up in me. A cry declaring that the enemy DOES NOT have any victory in this situation!  I will alert Satan as long as it takes for him to know that this will not be a foothold for him in that community. The faith of my brothers and sisters may be shaken for a moment but God will prevail, His faithfulness will outweigh any question or doubt!

So, yes, my heart aches today. My heart aches again for people I love in Cambodia, brothers and sisters who have changed my life with the way they worship our King, with their kindness, with their love.  A year ago I had not idea how my life would be changed because of some Khmer people who would quickly work their way into my heart.  And, today I find myself so grateful.  Even grateful for the ache.  The ache leads me to a place of intercession that has been dormant for quite a while.  The ache causes me to recall His faithfulness in my own life so that i can continue to claim it over Cambodia.....over those I've grown to love.

A Tale of Two Cities (Written Nov. 19, 2007)

I ask that if you are going to read this post that you would also please read the one preceeding it, "Love in Ukraine" because I would hate for anyone to have only half of the full picture of how these children have entered my heart and it will never be the same again.

During the months of June 2006 and June 2007 I lived in orphanages in Ukraine. This had been something I had dreamed about diong for five years before it finally happened. The first year was the most wonderful experience of my life. Jesus revealed Himself to me in so many ways through Misha, Tonya, Dima, Bogdon....

Deep, everlasting heart connections were made during that first trip. At any time I can close my eyes and see so vividly the faces of those young lives that have ultimately changed my own life. I can hear their laughter, feel their arms squeeze me in hugs and see the earnest desire for the truth in their eyes as they asked questions about Jesus. I will never forget their stories even though they are not written down on paper because they are etched in my heart...they mingle with my own story...

Throughout the month my teamates and I were privelliged to watch the seeds of life, joy, redemption...be planted in the hearts of 120 precious lives. I saw that Bogdon has hope for life as he drew pictures of houses surrounded by blue skies, picket fences and great big trees. Olieg has hope for redemption because the transforming power of the word of God in Ps. 27:10 took root in his heart. Misha was able to experience a few moments of pure childlikeness as we sat together for over an hour and I simply held him. The Lord showed Dima that even though he has been rejected many times during his ten years of life, that is not the end because He is loved so much by a God who sends people from his own country and far away to receive him simply because of who he is....I could write like this for days about those kids in an orphanage in Berdychiv...

I went to an orphanage in Neeperderzhinschk (I'd almost guarantee that's not how it's spelled and don't even ask about pronunciation!) this past June. I began the process of this trip knowing that there was a possibility that I would not return to the orphanage in Berdychiv...and I thought I was okay with that. I thought that I understood what that would mean for me, for my heart. I thought that I could build up enough excitement about being able to go again, excitement about being able to bring the love of Jesus to more orphans, I thought that I could use the excitement to drown out the pain of finding out that I would not be seeing those same kids again. It didn't work.

The kids I encountered this past June were very different kids. Their lives were very different. In some ways I would even venture to believe that their lives were more difficult. My kids from 2006 were completely abandoned. My kids this year...they went home for weekend visits, relatives would show up when they felt like and then come drop the kids back off when they felt like it...nothing was stable, nothing was secure ...their lives were chaotic. On day one they wanted to know how much money I had been paid to come spend time with them, they wanted to know when we were leaving and as the days went on many of them became increasingly aggressive as I ran out of tangible things to give them.

That month I saw small glimpses of the Lord, enough to give me the hope I needed to be able to pray. One of the older boys chose to stay at the orphanage instead of go home for his weekend visits because he wanted to be around us as much as possible. One day my little Vova would threaten to use sticks and rocks to hurt my friend Amanda and I and the next he sat on a tree stump and colored with me for 30 minutes. During our birthday party I watched Roma come back inside to sit alone in a corner and look at each of the gifts he had been given with astonishment in his eyes.

I held out hope during that entire month that maybe, just maybe, we could take a trip across the county of Ukraine (the size of Texas) and I could see my kids from last year...That didn't happen. And now, here I am, nearly six months later, still so vividly seeing the faces of my 2006 kids and struggling to remember the names of my 2007 kids.....

Berdychiv was wonderful. I was changed. I will never be the same. Neeperderzhinschk was rough. I was changed. I will never be the same.

Jesus, please teach me to love as You do. Teach me to love even when I am hurt. Teach me to love even when my love is not reciprocated. Teach me to love even when I don't feel like it, when I don't want to. Most of all, please teach me to love simply because I am loved by You.

Love in Ukraine (Written May 29, 2007)

Next Monday, at 7:30am I will get on a plane and travel for 21 hours until I reach Kiev, Ukraine. I will then travel by bus to an orphanage where I will spend a month living with orphans, showing them the love of Christ Who lives in me. I did this last June as well. Here are some of the ways my teamate Amanda Kane and I were able to see love during that month....this is why I'm going back...

Love was hand games until your hands turned red.
Love was holding those red hands.
Love was playing with a little girl's hair, and letting her play with mine.
Love was bedtime prayers, and mornings full of "rise-and-shine" singing.
Love was running laps while holding a little boy's hand.
Love was picking up that little guy when he fell and giving him a band-aid.
Love was helping kids with morning chores of gardening, shoveling rocks, white-washing, and wallpapering.
Love was filling our pockets with sunflower seeds that the kids would not let us refuse.
Love was learning "kavitochka" (flower), and "ya tibia lublu" (I love you).
Love was hugs so tight we thought our lungs might pop.
Love was receiving a gift of wild strawberries strung on a long wheat blade.
Love was letting a child feed you a sweet red cherry.
Love was wiping tears away from chubby cheeks.
Love was finding a smile that tried to remain hidden.
Love was skipping and jumping rope.
Love was drinking thick sour milk and eating stale wafer cookies at snacktime.
Love was rolling up pant-legs to wade through massive puddles after the rain.
Love was swimming in the "river" that turned out to be a mucky pond.
Love was repainting the play ground, and letting the girls clean the paint from our skin with paint thinner.
Love was holding a little one and playing peek-a-boo.
Love was lying on a blanket under a shade tree with the girls while the boys learned "Americansi Futbol."
Love was kisses on the cheek and kisses on the nose.
Love was sitting on a bench with an 8-year old boy who was showing off his reading skills while I didn’t understand a word of it.
Love was letting them use my shampoo to make more bubbles when we ran out.
Love was a little girl standing in a hug for over an hour while everyone around us played.
Love was finding Ps. 27:10 in a Russian Bible and watching a little boy's face light up........